70 lbs

I am down 70 lbs, in 8 months.  I have to remember that fact because latley the weight loss has been slowing and the eating has been getting erratic, it is easy to forget that you can do it, you just have to focus.  You have already managed to lose 70 lbs.  You are only 8 lbs from your lowest weight in the last 10 years, you are only 24 lbs from breaking the 300 mark.  You can do this. 


I have hit the gym again, I am thinking of looking for a closer gym to my house or a less expensive one, but I like the fact they have a women only section I can hide in.  And they are open late at night so I can go at like 9 or 10 pm.  But I do have to drive.  There is a boutique gym with in a 3   min walking distance from my home, but it is co-ed.  I also imagine it is more expensive.  I was also thinking about a few personal training sessions, as I really don't know what I am doing, but after my introductory sessions at my current gym I really got the impression that they really didn't care or I was just another resolution joiner that would be gone in a few weeks. 

I guess for now I will stick with where I am comfortable and then see about changing when I need more of a challenge.

Friday, September 20, 2013 Posting this now, even though it is 4 months later......

Friday, September 20, 2013

Well after almost a year hiatus on my mission to become healthy, I am back. I reached my highest weight ever 394 lbs sometime in February. I ate whatever the hell I wanted, in large quantities. I felt very negative, probably was depressed or close to it. All of my uniforms were to the point of ripping if I moved the wrong way. I generally felt tired and crappy. Maybe some of this had to do with it being winter, but mostly because I felt my life slipping by with so many things I would never get to do at 394 lbs. I was even researching weight loss surgery options, feeling like it may be the only way to go. I finally contacted my Doctors office and asked for a referral to a weight management clinic, and also to get some blood testing done, something I had avoided for far to long. If nothing else maybe I could be referred for surgery. It took almost 5 weeks to hear back from the clinic, which was a good thing, it gave me time to get my birthday out of the way, and all the cake associated activities. It let me step back and think for awhile, what I really wanted to do. Two days before my scheduled appointment I decided that was it I was going to start again. Start over because I can't live another day like this, because before I knew it another 10 years would go by and I would be in the very same position almost 400 lbs. I attended the first appointment of the weight loss clinic, which is covered by OHIP but is basically sparkpeople with a Doctor supervising. Lots of small meals, a decent calorie count, focusing on protein, get your exercise in etc. The only thing they don't really seem to do is put any focus on the emotional aspects of overeating behavior. But more on the clinic at another time.
So I have been working hard the last four months, and have lost 56 lbs. I only focus on the next 2 lbs. I can't think any larger then that. 2 lbs is doable. It is only 2 lbs.

Day one is easy Day two is hard

Day one, you are on an emotional high, you have made a decision. You are going to be healthy and happy and you are going to get slim.  You are going to shed this poundage that is holding you back and down.  You are euphoric when you turn down every bad food choice, you are going to succeed. If only that feeling on the first day of your diet lasts.  When you are at day 5 or 25, and you have been the outsider at a function involving food, when your peers say "oh one piece won't hurt you", or when despite your hard work the scale is not showing you a reward.  Then maintaining your healthy eating is hard.  

I am at Day one again, and I am feeling that desperation for success, for changing my life. Today was easy.  I was at home, I had control over all my meals, no treats or temptations to distract me. Tomorrow will definitely harder I will be at work (with most of my exceedingly skinny co-workers, with high metabolisms) and we usually order in on Fridays but I will brown bag it.  And then after a long day at work dinner at my mom's.  I have asked her to cook something healthy, if at all possible.

It is time to change my life.  Now or never.  Get busy living or Get busy dying. (a little shawshank redemption for ya)

Weigh in: 374.5 down 9.5 lbs

9.5 lb loss was a nice positive reinforcement to my "Today I will not overeat" stagey.  

So week two begins, and I had some anxiety today because my BF called and wanted to meet for Lunch at Cora's breakfast bar.  So I said hey why not! They serve fruit, it must be very healthy.  To be diligent I googled the menu looking for the nutritional information, which as it turns out the company doesn't provide. I am not sure what company doesn't provide nutritional information now a days, I mean the pizza joint around the corner from my place does, and this a franchised restaurant. Well plans were already made and I choose what look the least dangerous calorie wise.  It was delicious and I enjoyed every bit.  I don't want to go off track, I am still dealing with the overwhelming disappointment of having gained 60 lbs back in a year, but eating out is not really a trigger for me, it is sitting at home all alone that I do the most damage to my diet.  Sitting on the couch mindlessly eating. 

We had a girlie day which also included pedicures, shopping for clothes and shoes an just hanging out. I managed not to purchase any of the amazing sweets or biscuits at one of my favorite bakeries when were out shopping, which if I had brought those biscuits home they would be gone in a few days. I just kept repeating my mantra in my head. 

It was a really nice day, I definitely am going to treat myself to more pedicures in the future, nice and relaxing and no calories!

Back to swimming

I have decided to go back swimming.  The gym experiment was a terrible one, it was originally supposed to be something my friend and I could do together, however our exercise needs and interests lay in different directions, and our schedules never meshed. And then the gym chain went out of business so the location I belong to is no longer convenient for me. And of course the biggest factor of all is that I just stopped going, I mean I stopped doing everything health related.  I can't think about how far I have fallen, I have to just focus on the today. Not how far I need to go.  My main goal right now is to feel comfortable in the clothes I have again.  So I must remain focused on my mantra, I will not overeat today.

I have been pretty good not overeating, I have been very conscious of what I put in my mouth, and I am trying to stop the habit of grabbing a fist full of cereal, or crackers when I pass through the kitchen. Tomorrow is weigh in day, we will see if it paid off.

I purchased a new bathing suit, to fit my current size. It is a two piece a halter style top and a bottom with a short skirt, similar to a skort.  I have never swam in a two piece bathing suit in my life and it was a bit odd at first, the top fluttered a bit in the water when I dived under and I thought I was going to lose the whole top. 

Once again I chose to start back at swimming the week before the pool does it shutdown for maintenance. So now I have to drive to a different community pool.

Today I am not going to overeat

That is what I have repeated to myself over and over again, on my first day of getting back on track.  Today wasn't a bad day, I had decide last night after my weekly weigh in and my reaching of my all time high of 384 that enough was enough.  The last few months have been hard.  My uniforms are stretched to the limit, my wardrobe choices are limited, my back, knees and feet hurt (somehow the hip is doing okay) and every time I have to bend down to get something on the floor that chances of not being able to get back up are getting greater.  I knew this would happen, every day when I just shoved food into my mouth, when I didn't track my food, when I stopped swimming, going to the gym, walking the dog. But it is time to stop beating my self up for it.  It is done, now undo it.

One thing that I am going to change this time is screw the time line.  There is no set date for completion of weight loss, it will never be over, my life will always be filled with counting calories.  So I am not going to pressure myself with a number required to lose each week.

All that matters is today. And today I am not going to overeat.

Recovering Pop addict

Hi my name is Erin and I am a Diet Pepsi-aholic

I have always been a diet pop drinker, it was always was in the house, I was always allowed to drink it in fact I never drank milk or juice always diet pop. All the way into my adulthood when I realized what an addiction it actually was. If I would go without a pop for several hours I would begin to get a headache, my co-workers would joke "uh oh Erin hasn't had her pop yet this morning, watch out!" It was a staple on my grocery list. I would have a swig of pop first thing in the morning, drink a whole 710 ml bottle by noon, have another one at lunch, one a dinner, and one or more in the evening till bed. In one day I was consuming up too 5 bottles in a day.

If anyone ever commented on my addiction I would answer that there were way worse things to be addicted too. It's not like anyone was ever arrested for driving under the influence of soda, I never missed work because of it and no one my family had staged and intervention. So there. It was a vice that wasn't really that bad. I loved the drink. But I made a decision to give it up. That sure it wasn't so bad but it was an addiction, I needed to stop. So despite my hatred for New year resolutions the date is pretty symbolic for changing something in your life, I chose to quit drinking pop.

I drank my last Diet Pepsi at 15 mins to midnight. I am now 20 days out. It wasn't easy. The first four days I had this fuzzy headache feeling. I was absolutely exhausted the first week, because I was also giving up caffeine since I don't like coffee. I was in bed by 9:30 pm each night since I could barely keep my eyes open. Luckily I didn't have too many mood swings so I wasn't unbearable to be around. What I have noticed is that since I got over the withdrawal my mood has generally stabilized no more highs and lows during the day. I have been going to bed at a normal time and having an easier time getting up in the morning. And I am saving money which is always a great motivator for me.