Saying it out loud

I never thought in a million years you would get me to verbally say my weight out loud. Maybe to a very close family member, only under duress to a friend, outright lie about it on a drivers license, but Never ever ever ever to a stranger.

But lately with this whole gym experience I have been saying it a lot. They all ask, from the membership coordinator, to the trainers, It is the first thing. How much do you weigh? How old are you? How much do you want to lose? What is the time line?

330, 330, 330, 330!

And I swear I am even starting to say it without pause, without shame attached. Almost nonchalant.

That is huge, for me.

I weigh 330 lbs (actually 328 now!) It is a fact, a statistic, a number. That is all. Yes that number represents a whole lot of work to be done. But I am working at it.

Weigh in Wednesday

Hey I know that this is being posted on a Saturday, but I am catching up here. I gained 5 lbs. Isn't that absolutely ridiculous! But I am not upset at all, because by I jumped back on the scale on Friday and it was all gone. Damn you water weight, and bloating and chocolate cravings associated with various hormonal cycles.

The scale gods, should be better to me next week.

The rest of the "Gym" sessions

I have finished the rest of my Gym introduction sections, or where they try to sell you stuff in a 1 hour period.

Two of the sessions were workouts with a trainer. The first one I had the same guy from when I was all measured up. And I still found him mildly insulting. He really tried to sell me on the purchasing personal training sessions which I informed him I could not afford end of story. He kept saying how he didn't feel right "putting his name to this" since I didn't know what I was doing but in the end since I still wouldn't budge he showed me some of the gym machines and did give me some instructions. Workout number 2 was with a young female trainer, who was nice, but promptly forgot my name and called me "sweetie" the entire time. She gave me the sell spiel but dropped it when it wasn't promising. She did an actual workout with me, that I could still feel the next day.

The nutrition session was a big sales session as well basically I learned nothing from it but if I paid X amount of dollars every 2 weeks and came in for a 10 min session once a week I would learn the big secret to losing weight. Huh, imagine that. I declined.

The last session was Boxing. The Boxing gym isn't included in the membership. However boxing was fun. You can't go wrong when you get to punch things! The guy was pretty straight forward and didn't say a bunch of crap to try to make me buy a membership. And at the end of the 45 mins I was exhausted. I also learned I need to make skipping a priority, cause seriously I was supposed to skip for 2 mins and could barley go 10 seconds straight. Man I am out of shape!

Now I am done their introductory session, they can leave me alone and I can do my own thing. There is no doubt I need instruction, direction, and occasional motivation but when I feel that I have come to the point where I need a change I will think of buying some personal training sessions or a boxing membership. But until then bugger off with your sales pitches!

My computers back

So much to catch up on. Two weeks away from my computer has been a real pain, from reading other blogs, to research to keeping up with friends, an of course keeping myself entertained, had been reduced to surfing on my i pod, which had its limitations. I couldn't post at all, I just couldn't make myself type on that little screen, it was enough to drive me up the wall. I had to have a new hard drive installed which meant I lost all my data and programs, though I didn't really have anything on there that was too devastating to lose. My only real concern was my music, especially since the i tunes I installed wanted to erase my i pod and sync it to the blank library. Thankfully I stopped it and saved my music. I downloaded a program that was able to copy everything off my i pod and back to i tunes, I am not sure why i tunes couldn't just take it off my i pod in the first place!

I did lose the work out play list I had made, oh well I will just have to remake it.

Workout

Headed to the gym again today, I hadn't been able to get there since Wednesday afternoon due to work. I did go for a swim on Thursday at the rec center, so I am averaging every other day physical activity. I did 30 mins on the elliptical. It really felt great, I can't believe I maintained an activity at a fair intensity level for that long. I was going to do some more cardio on the treadmill just a brisk walk, but my friend suggested we check out the yoga class. It turned out great. I haven't taken yoga except for a free class in college I enjoyed it then but I was a bit worried it would be too advanced. I shouldn't have worried some poses were hard to do, some I just can't do simply because my belly is in the way but the instructor told you what to do if you were having difficulty. I felt quite relaxed after the class and my friend and I have decided that we are going to make a routine out of that for our Sundays, head to the gym for a work out and go to yoga on Sundays. It is really nice that we now have an shared activity we can go and do together, something that is healthy and we are not stuffing our faces.

My laptop has decided to give me problems and is in for service, so I am without a computer for now and that means I am also without my main source of entertainment, since it also acts as my TV, my reading material and my DVD player. I am hoping it is not an expensive fix.

Goals and Timelines

At the gym a lot of the forms I had to fill out asked for my goals and the timeline that needed to be met. As for timeline, I told them that there was no timeline, I lose this weight when I lose it, and that raised a few eyebrows. Apparently I should be in a rush, some event I must be thin by. But I have no looming wedding, or high school reunion, I just wish to become healthy.

Over the last few months I have been very leery on even stating a number I wish to lose in a week, month or year. Being afraid that I may put to much pressure on myself, and when I am unable to perform up to that standard I would feel failure and quit.

However on my first post of the New Year, I said I would like to lose 100 lbs by the dawn of 2012. That is a huge number, one that would bring me down to 233 lbs. But I'm still afraid. Afraid of failure, disappointment, continuation of my unhealthy lifestyle. Gaining back the 51 lbs I have already lost. But I am biting the bullet and stating that I am going to lose 100 lbs in 2011.

So I thought I would break it into smaller more manageable goals. For each quarter of the year my goal is to lose 25 lbs. That is an average of 1.9 lbs per week. See manageable. And now in the first 2 weeks of the year I have already lost 5 lbs.

I do have a slightly higher goal in mind for the first quarter of the year. I would like to be under 300 lbs by my birthday. To do that I will need to lose 2.5 lbs per week.

Weigh in Wednesday and measuring up

Well according to my scale, I am down to 328! Past the 50 lbs mark baby! whoohoo!

Today was the appointment with the gym to be all measured up and documented. And answer a lot of questions for insurance purposes, just in case I suddenly die in the midst of a zumba class or something.

First off I did have to fill out a questionnaire about my goals, my setbacks, previous attempts, my height and weight, my nutritional knowledge, fitness knowledge etc. Most of this whole questionnaire was designed so they could better sell me on their weight loss program on which I have no desire to purchase and won't be talked into. I am sure the gentleman who was doing my "assessment" has a quota to fill, and he did his best at trying to make it appear financial feasible after I informed him I'm pretty broke and just joining the gym is a stretch on the wallet. He was a little surprised that I appeared to know more about nutrition and exercise than expected.

Part two and this was really weird for me, not only did I say how much weight I wanted to lose, but I stepped on a scale, and verbally said my weight in front of a total stranger (who also happened to be a man, definitely not my comfort zone. Then out came the measuring tape. Another awkward moment between strangers. I then had my body fat percentage read using some electrodes on my hand and foot, basically I am mostly fat. This is not news to me. 67%.
My BP was a bit high, but the gym guy said that wasn't abnormal most people are stressed out. However he said my resting heart rate was unusually low, but for me that is normal.

Basically since I wasn't going to sign up for their weight loss program or hire on a personal trainer his only exercise related advice was to do "cardio, cardio, cardio" but stay off the treadmill cause this wasn't low impact and to maybe try aqua fit. And that because I wasn't going to join one of their programs I would probably be prone to injury. I do have another session with him next week, where he shows me how to work out and use some of the machines.

I did feel mildly insulted over the exercise advice, because I am sure he doesn't realize how physical my job is, and how I have been swimming 3 x a week for the last 7 months and doing 2 hour hikes. So I am not just starting out, I have been at this for awhile. I just kept thinking to myself, I have already lost 49 lbs (51 now!) on my own, so really I totally rock.

After all this, which took about 45 mins, I headed to the gym section ( the women's only part) and did a small work out, 20 mins on the elliptical machine, and 20 on the treadmill, as these are really the only machines I'm not afraid of.

First Gym experience

Well it wasn't so bad. I had feelings of trepidation, but I was also slightly excited (go figure?). I headed to the gym right after work, and met up with my friend and her mum. They had come early to try out a zumba class but weren't that thrilled with it. We are going to try another one on Sunday when I can go. It was more of a get to know the place and machines. I did some cardio on the treadmill and elliptical, and some weight machines. Then we hit the pool. I am not as thrilled with the pool, but I think that is because I have been at a pool where that is the main focus. I am thinking I may keep my membership at the rec center up, so that I can do some swimming there still (I still have several months to go before that expires). I really need a lot more instruction regarding exercises etc, but I will muddle through, I know that there are a lot of great resources out there like spark people etc.

You are now leaving the comfort zone

I'm not really ready for this excursion into the gym world. It was in my grand scheme of things eventually, maybe when I had lost 100 lbs or more, until then I was planing on sticking to the pool and walking trails, and maybe graduate to the mountain brow stairs. It was always going to be "someday" I will join a gym. While today was that day, and I still feel really uneasy about it. My friend had negotiated with the gym previously for memberships for her family getting them to knock off up front fees etc, and she was nice enough to include me in the negotiations, I was able to join as a previous client even though I have never been there before. We were supposed to go together but due to an emergency I had to brave it alone. I had to answer a questionnaire asking questions like my weight, my fitness goals etc, I received the tour, and their additional services sale pitch which I declined. As we were touring I seriously wanted to shrivel up or throw on an invisibility cloak. As we walked into each room people automatically look up, and I could feel their eyes on me, ugh it was enough to make me want to throw up.

I really need to get over this anxiety. No one is looking at you, No one cares, and if they think oh my god another New year recruit, February dropout well screw 'em . It doesn't matter, you are here for you. I think I may be spending a lot of time in the section of the gym reserved for women only, I may be more comfortable there.

The Gym provides a fitness assessment, Which I will be doing later in the week, apparently there will be a lot of measuring going on and then some sort of 5 min cardio, which I will not do all that great on.

Ahh what have I gotten myself into???

why buying a workout DVD felt like a dirty magazine

I mentioned last month that I had tried the 30 day shred. Well a few weeks before cracking it open I purchased it from a book store (more like conglomerate). I went in for the express purpose of purchasing the video. However it took me almost an hour to walk up the the cashier with it. First I headed to the section with the health and fitness stuff, where I previously had scouted it's existence. However there was a couple there and I didn't want to be seen in that area, so I picked up a few books and read the jackets. After a few minutes the couple walked away and I whisked to the shelves grabbed the copy and almost grabbed a biggest loser workout, but left it. I then quickly dashed out and continued to browse books all while carefully holding the DVD between my arm and body with only the bottom of the back showing so others wouldn't be able to see what I was buying. After awhile when the line to the cash was shorter I bought it.

What in the world was I afraid of? That a complete stranger that I would never speak to, or see again would see me buying a work out video. My gosh it wasn't Porn, but that is almost what it felt like to me. It was shame. Shame that I am fat, embarrassed because in my mind the cashier or strangers would be thinking, "oh yeah here is another fat person buying an exercise tape, like she will ever use it." In reality the only person thinking that was me. Still afraid of failure, and what others will think. I still consider this part of my life very private, I don't share it. I am sure that is all part of the fear of failure, and others knowing I have failed. I am most comfortable exercising in an environment where there is the fewest witnesses possible to my disgrace, and the efforts to change it.

But I am making headway into the problem. I swim in public, I use a public walking trail, I go the a support group.

One day I may be able to join a class, a gym, share my successes with others.

But for now, I will tightly close my dining room curtains before popping in the DVD and getting down to business.

Oh and to top it off, the cashier bagged my DVD in a plain brown wrapper.

Goals I am most excited about reaching

• Under 300 - I haven't been under this weight for at least 7 years maybe more.

• Under 280- This is the weight before I will allow myself to get on a horse. I once read in a magazine when I was a kid that this was a maximum weight a rider should be and that figure stuck in my head. I don't know if that is true. But I feel like if I weigh more then that I am asking too much of the horse. In reality I will probably wait till I am around 250. Otherwise I would just feel bad for the horse.

• Fitting in 2 X - Most clothing manufactures do go up to 2 x, and all the really cute scrubs sets only go up to 2X.
• Purchasing clothes in a normal store, I have never purchased anything that wasn't in the "above average section" or a specialty plus size store.
  

• Being able to do a yoga position normally without the belly getting in the way.

• Being able to run for greater then 5 seconds

• Stop being embarrassed about being seen exercising in public

• When I can get up easily from the floor.

• Easily passing through a turn style you know those ones you go through to get into a store or onto the subway platform.

First weigh in of the New Year

Down 3 lbs. Back down to my pre holiday weight of 330, almost to the 50 lb mark.

My Best friend and her entire family are joining up to a gym for their new years resolution for getting into shape. My friend is a big negotiator and is haggling with the gym regarding fees etc. She called me up tonight and asked if I wanted in and the price she has given is great so I said yes. But I don't know if I am ready to face a gym yet. For one thing, at least I will be in good company, so I won't be facing it alone, but I don't know if I am up to handling classes etc, and I am still so self conscious being seen exercising in public. Another bonus is my friend and I would be spending more time with each other, also a big new years resolution with us. We tend to let our busy lives take over and we haven't gotten to see each other too much even though she has moved back to the city.

I am sure there will be people who stare, but I guess at this time of the year there will be lots of unfit people who will be at the gym. I just need to get over my self consciousness.

Making Goals, not resolutions

So weight loss is not a New Years resolution this year. Why not? first I haven't made a resolution I haven't broken so I don't make them. Secondly I was already losing weight last year so really it is a continuation, not something new.

But I have a goal in mind for 2011.

Now because of past failures, I was very hesitant to state any sort of timeline or put to much pressure on myself regarding numbers and results. I was just seeing how it went. I wasn't very confidant in my myself or my mission.
But thanks to a whole wack of optimism from goodness knows where (this is awfully strange to me I am naturally a pessimist) I suddenly have confidence, I will do it, I will succeed. I am amazing, and awesome, and will kick my ass outta here.

So here it goes......in 2011 I will lose 100 lbs. *eek there I said it out loud*

Yes it sounds like a lot but I am looking at it like this, each quarter of the year, I need to lose 25 lbs. Now see doesn't 25 lbs seem doable?

So here goes my first quarter of the year, January to March, starting weight 333, (but weigh in is on wed and I need to account for all that extra eating and chocolates confessed to yesterday). With 13 weeks that means I need to lose 1.9 lbs a week.

Yeah! 2011 is here

I am very relieved to be welcoming the New Year. For most of December I felt like, "is it January yet?" It will be so nice to be able to get back into my routine and not have the dread of holiday feasting to live with. The pool is back open this week, it will be so great to get back in the water, it has been three weeks since I got my feet wet (so to speak). And the Christmas goodies will clear away from the office, only the stuff no body likes is hanging around now. I could have done worse over the holidays, and I could have done better. I did very well until Dec 24th, when as the poor suckers who had to work we decided to throw ourselves an impromptu party and order in Chinese food and then it was a free for all calorically from then on. Then there was the chocolate consumption, I alone consumed an entire box of turtles. At least this was over the period of 5 days. No excuses I know, but I was fighting those lovely hormones at the time.

Finally it is a new year, a new decade, how exciting. I was thinking on what kind of outlook I usually have at the beginning of a new year, and usually it is really negative, for example;

"Gosh how could you get so fat"
"Another year gone and still fat, what a waste."
"you'll never get it off"
"I guess I will give it another try! But I just can't do it" .

But this year I feel really optimistic regarding, well just about everything not just weight loss. Someone must be slipping me the happy drugs without my knowledge.
I lost 47 lbs in 2010 and I fully intend to continue on with that pattern.

Happy New Year, Here's to a new you.