why buying a workout DVD felt like a dirty magazine

I mentioned last month that I had tried the 30 day shred. Well a few weeks before cracking it open I purchased it from a book store (more like conglomerate). I went in for the express purpose of purchasing the video. However it took me almost an hour to walk up the the cashier with it. First I headed to the section with the health and fitness stuff, where I previously had scouted it's existence. However there was a couple there and I didn't want to be seen in that area, so I picked up a few books and read the jackets. After a few minutes the couple walked away and I whisked to the shelves grabbed the copy and almost grabbed a biggest loser workout, but left it. I then quickly dashed out and continued to browse books all while carefully holding the DVD between my arm and body with only the bottom of the back showing so others wouldn't be able to see what I was buying. After awhile when the line to the cash was shorter I bought it.

What in the world was I afraid of? That a complete stranger that I would never speak to, or see again would see me buying a work out video. My gosh it wasn't Porn, but that is almost what it felt like to me. It was shame. Shame that I am fat, embarrassed because in my mind the cashier or strangers would be thinking, "oh yeah here is another fat person buying an exercise tape, like she will ever use it." In reality the only person thinking that was me. Still afraid of failure, and what others will think. I still consider this part of my life very private, I don't share it. I am sure that is all part of the fear of failure, and others knowing I have failed. I am most comfortable exercising in an environment where there is the fewest witnesses possible to my disgrace, and the efforts to change it.

But I am making headway into the problem. I swim in public, I use a public walking trail, I go the a support group.

One day I may be able to join a class, a gym, share my successes with others.

But for now, I will tightly close my dining room curtains before popping in the DVD and getting down to business.

Oh and to top it off, the cashier bagged my DVD in a plain brown wrapper.