Anger

Sometimes I feel like screaming in frustration, but also I want to scream in anger. Mostly anger at myself. How did I allow myself to get like this? I mean this is not a couple of extra pounds, this is a whole other person, an overweight one for that matter. How did I think that it was acceptable to live this way? I knew deep down I could not ignore it forever. Every time my knees creaked when I got up after doing a task at work. Or when my uniforms got tight, to the point where you know it is NOT going to be that easy finding the next size up. When no matter how far I sucked in my stomach there was no way I was going to fit through that turnstyle. I am angry at myself for all of these things.

There are people who give anything to walk, run and be out of a wheelchair, while I have this body that has all the right neural connections but because of the choices I have made I can not run. I can walk only so far, I spend parts of my day trying to figure out ways to make less trips up and down the stairs because my knees hurt.

I am angry for all the times that I gave in to the pain of the situation and hit the fridge, and begin to ignore the situation again so that I could just survive each day.

I am sick of just making it through each day, I want to enjoy each day. I am only 27 years old and I have been dealing with these issues my entire life. And I am sick of it.

I am angry at a Society that tells me that I have to be thin to be pretty, that I must be lazy, slovenly and disgusting because I am not a size six. My entire happiness is not wrapped up in a size, sure I want things to improve but I know that this is only one aspect of myself.

I am angry at the people who told me I would have such a pretty face, if only I would lose some weight. (oh please who hasn't gotten that one!)

I am angry that I didn't have a better example of healthy eating and lifestyle growing up. But at the same time I realize how hard this is and I realize that it was not possible to give me that example. (So maybe I am not that angry! to much love and understanding blurrs this one)

Oh yeah and I am pissed at all the issues that are helping keeping me fat.