70 lbs

I am down 70 lbs, in 8 months.  I have to remember that fact because latley the weight loss has been slowing and the eating has been getting erratic, it is easy to forget that you can do it, you just have to focus.  You have already managed to lose 70 lbs.  You are only 8 lbs from your lowest weight in the last 10 years, you are only 24 lbs from breaking the 300 mark.  You can do this. 


I have hit the gym again, I am thinking of looking for a closer gym to my house or a less expensive one, but I like the fact they have a women only section I can hide in.  And they are open late at night so I can go at like 9 or 10 pm.  But I do have to drive.  There is a boutique gym with in a 3   min walking distance from my home, but it is co-ed.  I also imagine it is more expensive.  I was also thinking about a few personal training sessions, as I really don't know what I am doing, but after my introductory sessions at my current gym I really got the impression that they really didn't care or I was just another resolution joiner that would be gone in a few weeks. 

I guess for now I will stick with where I am comfortable and then see about changing when I need more of a challenge.

Friday, September 20, 2013 Posting this now, even though it is 4 months later......

Friday, September 20, 2013

Well after almost a year hiatus on my mission to become healthy, I am back. I reached my highest weight ever 394 lbs sometime in February. I ate whatever the hell I wanted, in large quantities. I felt very negative, probably was depressed or close to it. All of my uniforms were to the point of ripping if I moved the wrong way. I generally felt tired and crappy. Maybe some of this had to do with it being winter, but mostly because I felt my life slipping by with so many things I would never get to do at 394 lbs. I was even researching weight loss surgery options, feeling like it may be the only way to go. I finally contacted my Doctors office and asked for a referral to a weight management clinic, and also to get some blood testing done, something I had avoided for far to long. If nothing else maybe I could be referred for surgery. It took almost 5 weeks to hear back from the clinic, which was a good thing, it gave me time to get my birthday out of the way, and all the cake associated activities. It let me step back and think for awhile, what I really wanted to do. Two days before my scheduled appointment I decided that was it I was going to start again. Start over because I can't live another day like this, because before I knew it another 10 years would go by and I would be in the very same position almost 400 lbs. I attended the first appointment of the weight loss clinic, which is covered by OHIP but is basically sparkpeople with a Doctor supervising. Lots of small meals, a decent calorie count, focusing on protein, get your exercise in etc. The only thing they don't really seem to do is put any focus on the emotional aspects of overeating behavior. But more on the clinic at another time.
So I have been working hard the last four months, and have lost 56 lbs. I only focus on the next 2 lbs. I can't think any larger then that. 2 lbs is doable. It is only 2 lbs.

Day one is easy Day two is hard

Day one, you are on an emotional high, you have made a decision. You are going to be healthy and happy and you are going to get slim.  You are going to shed this poundage that is holding you back and down.  You are euphoric when you turn down every bad food choice, you are going to succeed. If only that feeling on the first day of your diet lasts.  When you are at day 5 or 25, and you have been the outsider at a function involving food, when your peers say "oh one piece won't hurt you", or when despite your hard work the scale is not showing you a reward.  Then maintaining your healthy eating is hard.  

I am at Day one again, and I am feeling that desperation for success, for changing my life. Today was easy.  I was at home, I had control over all my meals, no treats or temptations to distract me. Tomorrow will definitely harder I will be at work (with most of my exceedingly skinny co-workers, with high metabolisms) and we usually order in on Fridays but I will brown bag it.  And then after a long day at work dinner at my mom's.  I have asked her to cook something healthy, if at all possible.

It is time to change my life.  Now or never.  Get busy living or Get busy dying. (a little shawshank redemption for ya)

Weigh in: 374.5 down 9.5 lbs

9.5 lb loss was a nice positive reinforcement to my "Today I will not overeat" stagey.  

So week two begins, and I had some anxiety today because my BF called and wanted to meet for Lunch at Cora's breakfast bar.  So I said hey why not! They serve fruit, it must be very healthy.  To be diligent I googled the menu looking for the nutritional information, which as it turns out the company doesn't provide. I am not sure what company doesn't provide nutritional information now a days, I mean the pizza joint around the corner from my place does, and this a franchised restaurant. Well plans were already made and I choose what look the least dangerous calorie wise.  It was delicious and I enjoyed every bit.  I don't want to go off track, I am still dealing with the overwhelming disappointment of having gained 60 lbs back in a year, but eating out is not really a trigger for me, it is sitting at home all alone that I do the most damage to my diet.  Sitting on the couch mindlessly eating. 

We had a girlie day which also included pedicures, shopping for clothes and shoes an just hanging out. I managed not to purchase any of the amazing sweets or biscuits at one of my favorite bakeries when were out shopping, which if I had brought those biscuits home they would be gone in a few days. I just kept repeating my mantra in my head. 

It was a really nice day, I definitely am going to treat myself to more pedicures in the future, nice and relaxing and no calories!

Back to swimming

I have decided to go back swimming.  The gym experiment was a terrible one, it was originally supposed to be something my friend and I could do together, however our exercise needs and interests lay in different directions, and our schedules never meshed. And then the gym chain went out of business so the location I belong to is no longer convenient for me. And of course the biggest factor of all is that I just stopped going, I mean I stopped doing everything health related.  I can't think about how far I have fallen, I have to just focus on the today. Not how far I need to go.  My main goal right now is to feel comfortable in the clothes I have again.  So I must remain focused on my mantra, I will not overeat today.

I have been pretty good not overeating, I have been very conscious of what I put in my mouth, and I am trying to stop the habit of grabbing a fist full of cereal, or crackers when I pass through the kitchen. Tomorrow is weigh in day, we will see if it paid off.

I purchased a new bathing suit, to fit my current size. It is a two piece a halter style top and a bottom with a short skirt, similar to a skort.  I have never swam in a two piece bathing suit in my life and it was a bit odd at first, the top fluttered a bit in the water when I dived under and I thought I was going to lose the whole top. 

Once again I chose to start back at swimming the week before the pool does it shutdown for maintenance. So now I have to drive to a different community pool.

Today I am not going to overeat

That is what I have repeated to myself over and over again, on my first day of getting back on track.  Today wasn't a bad day, I had decide last night after my weekly weigh in and my reaching of my all time high of 384 that enough was enough.  The last few months have been hard.  My uniforms are stretched to the limit, my wardrobe choices are limited, my back, knees and feet hurt (somehow the hip is doing okay) and every time I have to bend down to get something on the floor that chances of not being able to get back up are getting greater.  I knew this would happen, every day when I just shoved food into my mouth, when I didn't track my food, when I stopped swimming, going to the gym, walking the dog. But it is time to stop beating my self up for it.  It is done, now undo it.

One thing that I am going to change this time is screw the time line.  There is no set date for completion of weight loss, it will never be over, my life will always be filled with counting calories.  So I am not going to pressure myself with a number required to lose each week.

All that matters is today. And today I am not going to overeat.

Recovering Pop addict

Hi my name is Erin and I am a Diet Pepsi-aholic

I have always been a diet pop drinker, it was always was in the house, I was always allowed to drink it in fact I never drank milk or juice always diet pop. All the way into my adulthood when I realized what an addiction it actually was. If I would go without a pop for several hours I would begin to get a headache, my co-workers would joke "uh oh Erin hasn't had her pop yet this morning, watch out!" It was a staple on my grocery list. I would have a swig of pop first thing in the morning, drink a whole 710 ml bottle by noon, have another one at lunch, one a dinner, and one or more in the evening till bed. In one day I was consuming up too 5 bottles in a day.

If anyone ever commented on my addiction I would answer that there were way worse things to be addicted too. It's not like anyone was ever arrested for driving under the influence of soda, I never missed work because of it and no one my family had staged and intervention. So there. It was a vice that wasn't really that bad. I loved the drink. But I made a decision to give it up. That sure it wasn't so bad but it was an addiction, I needed to stop. So despite my hatred for New year resolutions the date is pretty symbolic for changing something in your life, I chose to quit drinking pop.

I drank my last Diet Pepsi at 15 mins to midnight. I am now 20 days out. It wasn't easy. The first four days I had this fuzzy headache feeling. I was absolutely exhausted the first week, because I was also giving up caffeine since I don't like coffee. I was in bed by 9:30 pm each night since I could barely keep my eyes open. Luckily I didn't have too many mood swings so I wasn't unbearable to be around. What I have noticed is that since I got over the withdrawal my mood has generally stabilized no more highs and lows during the day. I have been going to bed at a normal time and having an easier time getting up in the morning. And I am saving money which is always a great motivator for me.

The slippery slope

Well What took me a year to lose took me six months to gain almost all of it back. The last six months have been one big disaster. Now there was no big trauma or life altering problem that shot me off track, It started off slow, I was very busy in July working two jobs. Even though this was short term it wiped me of energy. I stopped going to the Gym. But I would always start back tomorrow. Then in August there was a slew of birthday parties to attend, barbeques to go to sure I had gained 10 pounds but that could be fixed I would start tomorrow. I would always start tomorrow. Then 30 lbs had climbed back on my body and I was beginning to feel like a overstuffed sausage casing, I was feeling terrible, I couldn't face going to the gym, or even coming to read blogs I was exhausted all the time. But I would start next week back on track. Then in November I hurt my ankle really badly and was hardly able to walk on it for weeks, I said screw it I'll start in January. And here I am. I gained back 50 lbs in six months.

very very very bad eating day

Well it all started off on the wrong food with breakfast, I didn't know what I wanted, and I didn't feel like cooking anything so I lingered in the kitchen and started popping anything in reach in my mouth. And this continued on all day. But nothing was satisfying me, I just wasn't eating what I wanted, but i didn't know what I wanted. ugggh! I think there are a few reasons why I had a bad eating day, I ended up working overtime saturday which just added to the overtime I racked up this week so I was exhausted today, I didn't even hit the gym or make any effort to preform anything but the most necessary functions. Also there was some emotional eating component involved.

But on a positive note, I could have just ignored my less then stellar behavior and skip tracking but instead I tracked it all, not until the end of the day (maybe if I had done it sooner I would have stopped, but I doubt it!) and the total wasn't pretty, but at least it was honest.

Tomorrow is a new day, I cannot erase the calories I consumed today, but I can control the ones tomorrow. One off day is not a disaster. Oh and I will be leaving work on time and get my butt to the gym tomorrow night.

Weigh in Wednesday

I got my reward! 4 lbs down. Down to 315.

That is one pound less then what I dropped down to in 2007 and I think that means I am at my lowest weight since 2001.

Had a great week, hopefully it will show on the scale

My weigh in day also happens to fall on my day off of work. I don't know if it is the fact that my schedule is different on Wednesdays, since I get to sleep in etc, I always find that on my day off I tend to retain water, I can't get my rings off easily, which doesn't bode well for the scale. But if I had a weight loss, I should still be down water weight, or no water weight.

But I did have a good week. I exercised, my calories were in or close to the upper range. I generally feel really good about my progress. My snacking was reigned in and rice cakes did sneak back in the house but they remained uneaten. And I am proud that I managed to pass by the banana marshmallows twice without buying them. I cannot have them in the house, it is way to easy to justify to myself that it is okay to have just one more. I swear my brain recognizes sugar like a drug.

Banned

Hear ye! Hear ye! These items are henceforth banned from the premises:

Peanut butter


Rice cakes (all flavors but especially butter toffee)


Marshmallow Bananas


Maria cookies


For crimes against Erin's healthy eating goals. The exhile begins immediately for an indeterminate period of time, when you are no longer as dangerous to said healthy eating goals the ban may be revoked.

Weigh in Wednesday

One pound gain. Considering the humidity and the fact it hit 32 degrees today (Celsius) I was swollen up this morning and was unable to get my rings off. I did have a few bad days this week, mostly at night with snacking. But it is time to start getting that little problem under control.

Up to 319 lbs.

Back to tracking and a change in tracking apps

I got very lax with tracking my eating for a few months. I was ball parking the figures in my mind, which might explain a very very slow weight loss. Now when I first got my i pod touch back in September I downloaded a free calorie tracking app called Lose it! which also has an accompanying website and forum I loved it at first especially since it had a stand alone calorie database but eventually I got bored with the app and found it had limitations as well as a flaw for me. Whatever exercise I logged it added the calories I burned back to my calories I could eat.

So when I put my foot down with myself and decided to start tracking again I downloaded the Sparkpeople mobile app. I have been a member of spark since 06, but like all things weight loss over the years I come and go with varying levels of commitment and success. I am really liking the app, I used to find their online calorie tracker too time consuming, but they have made changes to it and I am finding it more user friendly. The only problem I can see with the spark mobile app, is that you need to have access to the internet to be able to access the food database. Luckily most places I go (work, home, mum's) has a WiFi connection that I can use.

Now I am just waiting to see my results from all this good behavior and consistency. Have I mentioned how very impatient I am?

Down 2 lbs

I should have been ecstatic when I lost two lbs last night, but I wasn't. I wanted it too be more, I feel like it should have been more. Now I know that 2 lbs a week is a healthy weight to lose, but when I had gained the week before I felt that I should have lost that number as well to catch up. I still am being so on track and still feel like I am not getting the payoff yet. I need to take a breath and look at the long term picture. This is a marathon, I need to pace myself, I am still in the beginning miles and the finish line isn't just suddenly going to show up. Not only that I did have one bad night this week food wise that could have factored it as well.

Down to 318

60 lbs is nothing to sneeze at

I was reflecting on how I have been on track for a year. Finally a long period of time where I have been working in a positive direction. A few weeks earlier I had been calculating that if I had lost 2 lbs a week every week, I should have lost 104 lbs in that year, and I had only lost 60. Well If I could have shook myself silly I would have. It is 60 lbs less then last year, a year ago I believed that another failure was around the corner. That any minute another weight loss effort would be down the drain and I would gain whatever I had lost plus pack on more. It was a valid fear, it is not the first time that that scenario has occurred. But I managed to keep going one day at a time, and I am still doing that. So yes last year I only lost 60 lbs, but I gained so much more; I began to believe in myself, something that had gone missing for a long long time.

on my own time

I've never been one to follow standard timelines easily. I feel like I am always either ahead or behind everyone else. I was a week late, I always (still do) oversleep, It took me forever to learn to tie my shoes, It took me five years to get my full drivers license, I took three years off between high school and college, ( sound like a real sharp tack, don't I?) on the other hand I learned to walk before crawling, read at an early age, did my own laundry by the time I was 7. Sometimes I get caught up with comparing my self with other peoples milestones, most of my friends of similar ages are getting married, buying houses and having babies all of which does not appear to be in my immediate future.

While I was thinking about all this I suddenly realized that I always thought of those big three milestones being associated with being thin. One day when I get thin I will be attractive and find the man of my dreams, then we will get married and have kids and my life will be perfect. So I have been waiting all this time to live my life when I get thin. Well that hasn't happened yet, and sure I am working towards being a healthy weight (thin is not really what I am aiming for) but my life will not be perfect, no ones life is. I could have these things even if I stayed the same weight I am today.

The main idea here is to stop comparing my progress in life and in weight loss with others. Well I find great inspiration in reading others weight loss journeys I need to stop comparing my progress. It is my life and I will live it on my own timeline, and it is my weight loss journey and I will lose weight when I lose it. And I may not be ready for the whole love, marriage, kids yet , I figure when I am ready for these things to happen, they will happen, on my own time. It doesn't mean that I am less successful, or am somehow less of a person. And that is what I need to realize, and I am starting to do that, finally. I will be much happier for it.

Swimsuit Sunday Blog Challange at swimming it off

Here I am in my swimsuit, not only do I appear in public in it, on the internet now too! And I am in good company with all the other swimmers accepting Stacia's challenge. If you click on the blog title, it will Link to swimming it off.

One Year

I have been on track for just a little over a year now.

and in that year

I wrote 112 blog entries

I received 22 comments from 2 people Thanks guys!

I have read countless other blogs for inspiration

Dropped one size

I lost 60 lbs

I began to believe in myself

Thursday recap

Well I stayed on track today, I ate around 1700 cals, drank a ton of water (2.5 L) and it the pool for 40 mins. I did notice today that because I had not been swimming as frequently as I have been spending more time at the gym I was having a tough go, I seemed to need more breaks and I wasn't as fast. Also I think I had a muscle in the thigh above my knee cramp up, it felt like a hard lump and was painful, the muscle has relaxed now thankfully. So I am continuing to follow the path I have set out and hopefully I will get a number reward next week. I am hoping to drop 3 lbs.