on my own time

I've never been one to follow standard timelines easily. I feel like I am always either ahead or behind everyone else. I was a week late, I always (still do) oversleep, It took me forever to learn to tie my shoes, It took me five years to get my full drivers license, I took three years off between high school and college, ( sound like a real sharp tack, don't I?) on the other hand I learned to walk before crawling, read at an early age, did my own laundry by the time I was 7. Sometimes I get caught up with comparing my self with other peoples milestones, most of my friends of similar ages are getting married, buying houses and having babies all of which does not appear to be in my immediate future.

While I was thinking about all this I suddenly realized that I always thought of those big three milestones being associated with being thin. One day when I get thin I will be attractive and find the man of my dreams, then we will get married and have kids and my life will be perfect. So I have been waiting all this time to live my life when I get thin. Well that hasn't happened yet, and sure I am working towards being a healthy weight (thin is not really what I am aiming for) but my life will not be perfect, no ones life is. I could have these things even if I stayed the same weight I am today.

The main idea here is to stop comparing my progress in life and in weight loss with others. Well I find great inspiration in reading others weight loss journeys I need to stop comparing my progress. It is my life and I will live it on my own timeline, and it is my weight loss journey and I will lose weight when I lose it. And I may not be ready for the whole love, marriage, kids yet , I figure when I am ready for these things to happen, they will happen, on my own time. It doesn't mean that I am less successful, or am somehow less of a person. And that is what I need to realize, and I am starting to do that, finally. I will be much happier for it.

Not doing enough

Sometimes I think to myself (usually after watching the Biggest Loser) That I am not doing enough to reach my goals. I mean I am losing 1 to 2 lbs per week which is pretty darn good, but I could be doing more. Working harder, eating less, losing more. I swim about three times a week and walk for half an hour or longer twice a week, so there is five days where I have some physical activity outside of breathing! I don't know if I am ready for more. I am not financial able to join a gym at this time. I also work long days, I know excuses excuses. I think a point will come where I will have to start doing more to continue losing, but I am not there yet.

Other things holding me back are of course plain old embarrassment (considering I appear in public in a bathing suit on a regular basis that is a laugh) but there is something about exercising where others can see you that makes you completely paranoid that they are thinking all sorts of fat jokes in there minds, or heck taking a photo of you to post on their "fat people exercising" website that gets 50 000 hits a day. Yes this sounds completely bonkers but I am sure it probably exists somewhere out there in cyber space, after I found people of walmart website, I now never go into that store without a checking out my appearance, their favorite post is of overweight people poorly dressed out shopping.

Anyways back to the subject, this all probably steaming from all those feelings of failure etc, that somehow I am not good enough to deserve to lose weight, that I won't make it happen, yada yada yada..... so even though I sometimes feel like I am not doing enough I really don't want it to take over my life. I want eating and physical activity to be part of my life, not be my life.

So when these thoughts enter my head, yes I can probably always increase my effort, but I am going in the right direction, and unless I want to quit my job, not see my friends and family for months, check into a ranch where I have personal trainers and my entire daily purpose is to exercise then well I guess I am doing all right for myself.