obesity documentries

I have to say, often I am unable to watch those obesity documentaries all the way through. I can only watch them in spurts until something either in the editing, or the camera shots, or in the narrations bothers me to the point where I have to change the channel. This is probably because I see too much of my situation in these documentaries.

There was quite a few of these shows on TLC recently, for example "Living Large" and "I eat 33, 000 calories a day" these shows are toting themselves as trying to show how difficult it is to live as an obese person, that they are just like every one else, that obesity is a disease, not a weakness etc. I agree that their intentions are good, however I don't believe the message requires 10 minutes of up close footage of a super morbidly obese man chewing large quantities of food, or distance shots of the ass and thighs of a morbidly obese women who carries most of her weight in her lower body. Also the shots of them without a shirt on or only a towel covering their private parts are totally unnecessary and dehumanizing, as well as disrespectful. I mean obviously these people signed releases but it equates to the same thing as going to the circus to see the fat lady at the sideshow. Oh does this help or lot in society. It certainly doesn't improve my feelings of self esteem and worth, and it certainly doesn't change how others in society treat or view me.

They also like to mention how very unlikely it is that anyone featured on that particular show or any obese person will lose a substantial amount of weight and keep it off. I mean if they really want to help people stop telling them how they are never going to accomplish anything and actually encourage them. Sure it is rare, but their are successes, no matter how that is accomplished, either by surgery or not.

So there are my pet peeves regarding these documentaries, sure I know the producers have to include these things in the show, its sensationalism, no one would watch without a little sensationalism or hint of something taboo, its the same as why you can't take your eyes away from a car wreck. Okay that last comparison may have been a bit extreme.

November 2008 recap

Well I started the month out at 375.1 lbs, and ended it at 365.5 lbs, so if we ignore the decimal points, I basically lost 10 lbs, or 2 lbs a week, which is my ideal goal. If I do that I can be at my goal weight in 16 months (I hope). But things happen so it is an idea of where I wan't to be a goal line so to speak.

Current weight

Well it was a hard week, I just wasn't eating as well as I should have been, and overeating a bit, I just felt really really hungry, wanted to snack constantly etc. I stayed the same weight wise, at least I didn't gain. Of course I weighed in before my Saturday night staff party, talk about totally overeating, I actually ate a piece of KFC, my arteries are crying out in shame, I did show some restraint, believe me I could have eaten a lot more! But I am not beating myself up for it, I can't eat perfectly all the time. Well it is a new week, and time to get my act together.

Needs

Well I thought I would list the reasons why I NEED to lose weight.

1. My health

yeah this a pretty big reason, should be the top reason, that's why it gets to be #1. Without your health where would you be. Then there is the family history of diabetes that at my current weight is almost a certainty and arthritis, those poor joints just can't hold up to the forces that my weight puts on them.

2. Energy

I am tired of being tired. It is just way too tiring to lug around this weight, I just want to sleep, but no matter how long I sleep, I never get the energy I want.

3. Living Life

I want to get out and do so much more! More then I can do now. There is so much more to do out there beyond the couch!

4. Happiness

I know that I have more problems then just my weight, and those certainly won't go away with the pounds. But It is such a big issue in my life, I would like it to be something less emotionally draining.

5. Access

lets just say I would like to be able to walk through a shopping turnstyle without becoming a contortionist.

Current weight

Hey its that time of the week again, have an exhausting day at work, head home, pick up dog, eat dinner, sit on couch, get weighed, write blog posr. It seems funny but I think getting weighed at the end of the day works for me, that way if I gain weight I won't be brooding about it all day.

Anyways that is not the case this week, it's not much but I lost 1 pound. At least it is down trend, I really need to start adding some exercise to things but currently I have too many excuses to name. Also I lapsed on the calorie recording, but I am back to it first thing. Also I picked up some ice cream that was on sale this week, its some of that fat free stuff which is absolutely horrible for you, tons of chemicals, but it was on Sale, seriously it is never that cheap, its not like I have eaten the whole container, I am proud to say I haven't even eaten a third of it yet.

Current weight: 365.5 lbs.

Dinner

I spent a large part of my weekend cooking. You would think that this would be counter productive to losing weight, but I didn't eat the food I just cooked it.

I get home from work each night about 7 pm and I want to eat Immediately! Or as close to immediately as possible, so I don't really want to wait another 30-45 mins preparing a meal. So far I have found the best solution to doing this is to pre cook my food and freeze it. Also I package anyl the leftovers from a regular meal for later as well, and I don't have to do dishes each night which I totally love (sort of feeding into my lazy nature, which is totally unrelated to being fat!) So I have a ton of chicken, chicken pot pie, mashed potatoes, grilled potatoes with rosemary and garlic, turnip, turkey soup, pasta with hot italain sausage just waiting in my tiny little freezer. This way I am less likely to snack in desperation as I am waiting for my dinner, and my portions are more controlled. My only mistake was making a whole try of homeade rice krispies thinking I would be saving money on not buying the individual wrapped store bought snacks, however in the end I just ended up costing myself calories. mummmmm they were good. Oh well no regrets.

Current weight

366.5 lb

2.5 lbs loss

Missing out

I am a pretty recreational active person despite my obesity, I go walking, swimming, go out to social events, movies. On a whole my policy is to not stop myself from doing something because I am fat, even though I am naturally a shy person and sometimes have to force myself. But there are always those instances where I just know that I can't join in on this activity, or do something physical, it just isn't going to work.

Of course it's always something I would love to do, or that may be difficult to excuse myself from without getting into the reasons why. I just know that I do have physical limitations and I have caused them myself.

I found out today that some of my co-workers are organizing a trail ride for all interested parties. I love horses! I love riding! I haven't been on a horse in more then 10 years because I don't want to kill the horse! I also always had an issue with mounting since an injury to my knee. So not only am I going to miss out on an activity I would love, I will miss out on the socialization with my co-workers in a non work setting.

According to this article on the weight watchers site:

http://www.weightwatchers.com/util/art/index_art.aspx?tabnum=1&art_id=59481&sc=3039

There is no set upper limit for the rider's weight a horse can carry, but a lot of riding schools will place weight limits so their horses are not injured or overworked. But better to be safe then sorry, I would never want to inadvertently injure an animal, its not like when you sit on a chair and break it, that's embarrassing. Imagine breaking a horse, I don't think I could show my face at work again, or outside my door for that matter. Most riding schools seem to range from about 220-250 lbs as the maximum weight allowed. So lets say I lose 10 lbs a month (wishing and hoping) then maybe the earliest I could start horseback riding would be a year from now ( I totally should not have figured that out! that is more depressing then encouraging!)

I am trying not to dwell on all the things miss due to my body, but to currently enjoy the things I can do. Another good reason to continue on....

The wagon

Well I decided to start off this weight loss effort more slowly. I don't want to overwhelm myself. In the past I have gone all gun ho from the start and at 150 % effort and enthusiasm which I just can't keep up with in the long term. I will fall off the wagon from time to time, that is inevitable, but what I really want is to be able to get back up on it. In the past I will fall off the wagon HARD, and the jar from the fall will cause me to stay off the wagon for weeks, and I will keep telling myself that I will start back tomorrow, or the next day, or the next month, and before I know it I have been the wagon is so far up the trail I am left in the dust (okay too much imagery??) and I have lost all the ground I had gained. I feel so disgusted about myself for allowing myself for falling off in the first place, and also for allowing myself to get in this condition. So I have started off slowly. I want to learn to drive this wagon and stay on (again with the imagery, I just can't seem to stop.)

So week one, I was just trying to get back into control. I was eating portions (maybe slightly bigger then normal portions) but with enough control that I wasn't feeling all that hungry. I also was tracking my food intake, and caloric intake. But that was the extent of my juggling act (don't want to start off with too many balls flying in the air). This week I will try to incoporate some exercise, not alot at first, but just get my feet wet.

Weight

I weighed myself Saturday morning and my first week of trying has rewarded me with a six pound weight loss. I was hoping for 2 lbs, so I was very very very happy to see I had lost six.

Current weight 369 lbs.

Weekend wasn't too bad

Well my weekend was not that bad, on a whole I was pretty good, food intake wise, I probably should have stayed a bit further away from the tortilla chips, but otherwise I was good. I did have a small slice of cake, but I also had veggies and fruit. I snacked to much when I got home today, I was hungry from the long drive but it wasn't anything to be discouraged about. So I will officially consider this weekend as a neutral event, I could have done better, I could have done worse. So yeah me.

First test of temptations

Well this weekend will be my first real test of temptations, going to places where there is no control of what is served. I am not only going to a baby shower, but as well the next day I am going to a huge fair. As well as staying over with friends. So we will see how it goes. I am wondering if it is a bit over the top to bring some of my own snacks if I feel the need to munch. Obviously not during the festivities, but for car rides, long lines, ect.

Just have to remember, if I mess up a little, it's not the end of the world.

Control

Well here we are on day 4 of this renewed effort, the latest wake up call. I think I am doing pretty good, I am feeling upbeat and positive, I haven't had any major cravings, or gone on a out of control food binge, Sure I know that this won't last, I am still experiencing the euphoria from finally doing something.

Just being in control of what I am putting in my mouth is making me feel so much better. I know I have always been in control of what I eat, however before I would try to stay on the wagon, but my heart wasn't into it, so then I would just eat and eat and eat, like I was never going to get to eat again. I also was eating like I would soon be cut off of chocolate or candy or restaurant food when I finally did start watching what I eat. And rationally I know that's not true, that I can have those foods, just not a lot or too often. I will be holding off for a while just taking a break from the sugar overload that was october.

I have written down everything I have eaten for 4 days now, and my caloric intake has been pretty reasonable, less then I thought, but I am also making conscious food choices, and not eating mindlessly.

Critical mass

There is always that weight that you get to where you reach a critical point. Its that point where all your fat clothes are too tight, and there really isn't another size up unless you wish to start wearing mu-mus. The point where you have to stop denying that you are fat and healthy but that you are obese, morbidly obese ( I seriously hate that term). The point when you can see your future and it definitely isn't pretty. I have reached my critical mass. I am at the point where if I gain any more weight I won't be able to function easily. I have noticed in the last few months especially the last few weeks, how difficult it has been bending over, I have caught myself doing my fat bend or how I don't actually bend but sorta lean over without bending my knees with one leg stretched out balancing me so I don't topple over. Yeah that's attractive. I also have been avoiding going down stairs at work, I actually found myself upset at work cause someone didn't ask me to get something from down in the basement when I was down there and instead I had to make a second trip. Getting winded more easily. Praying to god that my pants don't rip.

I could gain more weight I mean it is physically possible but I have reached my personal stop point. I know I need to stop now, before I end up being one of those people confined a bed all alone all day because I cant work anymore or go out with my friends, or only get to the bathroom once a day because my joints can no longer support my weight. That thought terrifies me.

But I am going to do it, I am going to get healthier. I am going to look damn good one day I tell ya.

Current weight

Oh yeah with all my interesting observations about my psyche I did actually step on a scale today.

170.5 kg or for the less metrically minded thats a whopping 375.1 lbs!

Diet mode switched on

Losing weight has been an ongoing project for a long long long time, since I was 4. I have had periods of success, periods of failure, and periods of no change at all. During my periods of no change and failure I haven't felt any real energy to devote in the actual process, I tend to sabotage, or make excuses, deny possible consequences. I'm not stupid, I know that I am going to gain weight, when I eat more and exercise less (or not at all) but nothing will get me moving in the right path until I am good and ready. I have always imagined it to be like a light switch that I am off with no light and then all of a sudden the switch has been turned on and it is time to be successful again. The thing is that the switch will come on in its own time, by a series of factors or experiences but there is just no willing it to come on. Believe me I have tried.

The good news is that the switch has been turned on! Yeah I can start to move forward now. Why it has turned on there are various reasons but I am just glad it has. I finally feel more positive about everything.

full plate

Hey as a metaphor for my life a gigantic pate overflowing with stuff isn't a bad one, considering that my food plate also tends to be overflowing with food which is why I am writing this blog in the first place. I am still trying to figure out all the little portions of my life and try to balance them all. This is not an easy task, every time I think I get one area going, something slides the most likely canidate is house cleaning. Between working full time, all the stuff I do for my family, trying to lose weight, doing extra education to try to advance my career, my hobbies, sleeping, goals and side projects, I feel like I end up getting nothing done. Also there is the whole balance of finances especially since my second job is now kaput. At least I now have that extra time. Anyways basically I am stressed. And what do I do when I am stressed? I eat of course. Lets just say yesturday I got really cosy with a can of frosting.

I keep thinking what can I do, I just need time to sit down and get organized but it seems like that never happens. I usually end up getting distracted.

well one more thing to work on for my overall self improvement.

Coming clean

I have been a coward. I have been sticking my head in the sand for the last month, not wanting to touch a scale in fear of the number it will show. But to know where you need to go, you need to know where you are starting from. So yesterday I stepped on to that scale and faced the fear (cue execution music) and found my self to weigh 366.3 lbs. yuck, total disaster. I knew I had gained of course, I am very aware of my body. My feet have been hurting more, bending over has been getting harder, I have been so flipping tired. The writing has been on the wall. But I am just so tired of trying to lose weight. I never seem to get anywhere, or I do well for awhile and then I gain it all back because I just lose the will. I need to stop looking at the big picture, I mean saying to your self I need to lose 160 lbs sure is a lot more discouraging then saying to yourself, "I need to lose 10 lbs". So there is my goal lose ten pounds.

The mirror has two chins

And sadly they are both mine, well and there could even be a third one too. Okay not to bash myself about (which I am very very good at) too much but going clothes shopping is one of those experiences in which you are forced to see yourself and just how bad you look. I was out shopping today searching for a summer-ish dress for a family occasion. I probably could dig something wearable out of the closet but most of my dress up clothes are pants and blouses (and now I realize why, pants hid a variety of sins!) and I was really hoping to have something nice to wear that I look good in, so much for that hope.

I don't go clothes shopping all that often, usually only when absolutely necessary, or when something comes up, partly because of budgetary concerns but also because of what a depressing experience it is. I tried on at least 7 dresses and two skirt combos, and I wouldn't be seen in public in any one of them. First off white does not even begin to describe my lack of a tan, but since I have barely been outside this summer it is not a surprise, I usually am good with lack of a tan, I consider it skin cancer prevention but when trying on sleeveless dresses it isn't an asset. Secondly there is the back fat, big hips, huge belly, the bumpy thighs, the thick shoulders, the whole Una-boob that big women get with ill fitting bras. I should be glad at least that the dresses all fit me at least but the sad thing is I am like one size down from the only fashion available being a flowered mu mu!

This of course should be a screaming wake up call, yelling LOSE WEIGHT! LOSE WEIGHT! But why am I not hearing it. I have the desire but not the will yet. Must get will. Must get will power. Must find dress....

Well I will continue shopping mainly because I have this $25 gift certificate that expires on august 2 nd.

Weighing in: 352

I would like to say several bad words about this number, but I will refrain. I can't believe I am up 5 lbs in one week, it is totally ridiculous! I didn't even HAVE that much food in the house to eat. This has got to stop. Immediately. I am almost right back where I started from my highest weight of 369 Lbs. To say the least I am not happy about that. July will be a whole new start. I am making a list of meals, and planning and pre-cooking as much as possible. I have printed off some blank calendars to help with meal planning, and exercise scheduling. I feel like I keep falling so far off the wagon I can't even hear the horses anymore. AHHHHHHHHHH

Step away from the cereal box

"You have the right for your mouth to remain closed, you have the right to Not ingest all those calories"

I wish that would yell out whenever I went near a cupboard or the fridge. I am having the hardest time trying to get my eating under control. I think one of my big problems is that I am so busy at work that it is close to three o'clock in the afternoon before I get a chance to eat, and then by the time I get home from work it is at least 7:00pm and then I am absolutley starving so I will just shove whatever is edible to satisfy me for the moment. Uggg I can't stop it seems. I know I can, I just have to keep trying. What was even worse was tonight I got home and I was too lazy to go grocery shopping yesturday so I didn't have a lot in the house to eat. So good ol captain crunch (which I bloody very well shouldn't have in the house in the first place) was what I ended up eating untill my dinner cooked. So Dear Captain, after your box is empty I am saying good bye to you sailor and all of your shipmates. I have always loved cereal, it is my biggest snacking/comfort food. When I was on a previous weight loss effort, I was once told that when I had a big craving to "eat a box of fruitloops and call me in the morning". I think I took that comment a bit too much to heart! So I am swearing off cereal, sugary or otherwise, only my good ol standby Oatmeal is allowed in the house.

Weighing in: 347

Yep I gained 2 lbs this week, not the direction I go in. However I do have that handy little excuse for weight gain women have each month. So I will blame that. I could blame that BBQ I went to but that was only yesterday and I couldn't have consumed THAT many calories in a few hours.

Summer BBQ's are a big problem, not that I go to a lot, but all that food sitting out and the host saying "Eat Eat, I don't want to be left with all this food". It is hard to balance being rude not eating a lot and pigging out. I didn't do too badly though, I only had one hamburger, though I almost had another one and then stopped myself. But the tortilla chips were right in front of me. I don't even want to think about the amount of salt I must have consumed last night. When I woke up this morning I was actually swollen, I couldn't get my ring off my finger, and I swear when I poked my skin I could leave and indent. Plus I was absolutely starving. I worked all day and I wasn't going to drive all the way home (a neighboring city) and waste gas so I went shopping till the party so that was several hours.

So I will trudge along, I am sure next week I will see a downward trend on the scale.

Planning stages

I am a planner. I need something written down, in place so I will follow it. I am like this in pretty much all aspects of my life. I need to plan all the things I need to do on my day off, or they will not get done. So I isn't a surprise that I am floundering a bit in this new weight loss effort, I haven't planned anything, no lists, no expectations, so no progress.

So here is my plan (just the rough outline, details to come later)

• enter all food in food journal (June 17-24)
• start exercise 3x per week (June 24-July 1)

So I will work on that for the next couple of weeks, I am trying to create my healthy lifestyle slowly, make them become habits not just another fad.

This is a marathon not a sprint. So I am pacing myself.

Weighing in: 345

Well I am happy to announce I lost 5 lbs this week, I was fully expecting to gain or at least stay the same. I wasn't really trying this week, I was mostly trying to just get my head around the idea of weight loss by starting my blog. I didn't exercise and I didn't really watch my calorie count, I just ate the basic three meals a day and a couple of snacks. Well it is nice to start off with a small success. I hope once I start actually putting some effort into this I will continue to get good results. So now I am now 345 lbs, whoo hoo.

Trying new things

I have been on some kind of diet/weight loss effort since I was 4. At some point I probably have tried it all, groups, weight loss programs, trying it myself etc etc, but I have never written a blog . In my Internet wanderings I have come across several successful weight loss bloggers that I am a fan of. They are my "thinspiration" so to speak (yes I know I am using one of those popular slang terms) So I am hoping that by publicly airing this stuff (currently anonymously- with time comes courage!) and with absolutely no audience (LOL) I hope to keep my will power and my goals on track.

So lets define my problem, no I am not some skinny chick who imagines a muffin top in my size 0 jeans. I am 5'7 350 lb woman. Thats puts me into a size 28, or 4 XL clothing. I am vain, so yes part of this desire to lose weight is about looking good, but it is mostly about a desire to get healthy and stop watching life pass me by while I sit on the sidelines cause I can't fit my ass into the ride. So enough for tonight, its going to be a long journey so I need to keep some material for later use!