Made swimming tonight

I swam 1000 m in 40 mins, yeah! I did 200 m sets of crawl or breast stroke. I really made myself focus on the swim rather then the time (how long have I been swimming???), which seemed to help a lot.

Down another pound

348 lbs. I have to say I am did pretty well this week, though I snacked a bit too much and I was so tired that I missed to swim sessions, cause I decided sleep was what I really needed. I don't regret it at all, those 8 solid hours of sleep did me a world of good.

My goal this week is to eat my vegetables. I love veggies, and dislike fruit, I know most people are probably the other way around, but I am weird and I know it. I went grocery shopping and bought cauliflower, celery, peppers and sugar snap peas, and my goal is to eat them all and not let them languish in the fridge until they become a mushy mess and a waste of good money. So tonight I cut them all up and put individual servings into baggies, for easy access.

Oh and I want to hit 345 for next week, I know 3 lbs is asking for a lot.

Body image, and further perspectives given from the Biggest Loser

Body image. Boy is that ever a loaded topic. I know I am fat. Morbidly Obese. I get that. But most of the time I just have to live my life, without thinking every second of the day about what I look like. I consider that healthy, I have other things to pay attention too. But when I do look in the mirror I try to make a frank assessment. No I am not attractive this way, and while occasionally I let that get the better of me and get down in the dumps about how my body looks (usually occurs during a stressful occasion such as getting dressed up for an event and looking like shit yet again) if I didn't put that aside and get over it I wouldn't leave the house.

So I take a look at myself in the mirror and inspect what I look like, but sometimes it doesn't sink in just how large I am.

I was watching the newest season of the Biggest loser, and it is the worst part (If I was in the contestants shoes.) the part where they weigh you in in front of all the people you know for all the world to see. And I am guessing their weights before they step on the scale. and this older Guy gets up there and takes off his shirt and gets weighed, and I think to myself, I bet he weighs gosh 410-420, he is a really big man, and he weighs in at 350 lbs.....my exact weight. Do I look like that! I ran to my mirror and started to asses, yes I am obese, but I don't think I look that big! Then another women gets weighed in and I think, yeah were probably the same weight and she ends up a good 70 lbs lighter then me.

So even accounting for differences in body shape, I obviously have a skewed body image since I can't even guesstimate which contestants are close to me in weight.

Reluctant Biggest Loser Viewer

When I first say previews for the Biggest Loser, ten seasons ago. I was horrified, what a horrible exploitation of obese people, who have enough pain to deal with on a daily basis without being publicly humiliated on television in front of millions of people. I thought how already how many fat jokes, fat suit skits were already on air and now you were making a reality show based on a disease. Hell except for sober house (which I despise) your never going to see a bunch of meth addicts trying to beat their addiction in a race for a quarter million dollars. Or at least I hope to never see that.

So I vowed not to watch, refused. And didn't for the first season. But I got pulled in the second season when when flipping channels I saw a contestant interview and of course what they were saying was what I was living and found myself watching. I had gone from thinking it was the worst concept on earth, to wishing I was on it. But you know I could never go on a t.v. show like that, I am a very private person (despite the blog) and discuss this very personal issue with only a few people, I couldn't imagine having every weigh in in a bra and shorts on TV. Seriously is the whole half naked weigh in thing necessary? You know that is totally for the sideshow factor.

I continue to watch off and on. I watch for the feeling of inspiration, and of hope that I could one day be healthier, thinner, more active but I also watch with a critical eye. I know that the contestants only job is to exercise and all they do all day hence the double digit losses. And they have a support team behind them, and many previous contestants have gained the weight back (like we all have time and again) and I do feel there is some exploitation involved and I question the safety at times. Pushing these people too far inducing injury, but they signed up for it. Because in desperation we all want to change our lives and will go to any lengths to do so whether we do it at home, surgically alter our bodies, write a blog, or become a contestant on a reality show.

So in the end, I guess I am not so much a fan, as a follower. I try to get some education out of the show, some inspiration, some perspective. Because even though I am not a contestant, each contestant is me.

Finally broke the 350 mark

Yeah! Took me awhile but I finally broke that number! I lost 4 lbs this week to go down to 349. Another 19 lbs and I will no longer be lying on my drivers licence (ha like anyone tells the truth on those).

I am practically giddy over that number. It's kinda weird, I think it has something to do with being closer to 300 lbs now then 400 lbs. Or I just like kicking round numbers in the ass!

30 lbs gone.

"As I accept this award.....wait no award? damn it I had a speech ready and everything, I would like to thank the academy, oh wrong award ceremony. Okay here it goes.....I would like to thank the local swimming pool, my MP3 player for kick ass tunes while I walk, my dog for walking me, my calorie counting app, bloggers that inspire me, and of course myself for keeping with it. I could not have done this without you"

So far so good.

If only I could blog more regularly.

getting lucky

Oh yeah, I totally wish that was how it sounded. But the only way I got lucky today was on the scales. Down 3 lbs back to 352. And lucky it was, there was ice cream and burgers involved this week. However you know I do not reget one scoop of ice cream, or that burger. I do regret all the extra handfuls of cereal I gulped down mindlessly. So it seems I am continuing to stall around the 350 mark, I haven't been focused enough, just sorta treading water.

Obsess much?

I can be like a dog with a bone, once I get something in my head, I just am so focused on it I just think about it over and over. Whether it is a problem, or an experience, a conversation, something I want, something I may never get, my insecurities or a decision that needs to be made, I end up spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about it. I will assess the situation, research, research some more, and then research some more, assess again, make a pros and cons list, do a bit more research, hem and haw a bit, possible beat my self up and then heck I may finally get around to making a decision. Then I will doubt my decision and change my mind, then I will re change it and stand firm in my original decision.

Take for example a simple task as dying my hair: should I go to a hairdresser? Can I afford it? what colour? is that too unnatural? Maybe I'll wait till next week. Maybe it will be on sale. until I finally realize that my roots have grown way out and my premature grey is prematurely aging me.

Needless to say I then spent an additional 20 min in the drug store isle deciding what colour I would go this time.

I don't know why I am so cautious and careful. Now I hide this, most people do not know I am this neurotic. I appear to be a normal person (ha!) okay I am sure my friends would say otherwise. I am a functioning member of society. Perhaps I just don't have enough stuff to do and I fill my time with the inane details. Or perhaps I am worried what others will think if I take a wrong step, stand out more then I already do. I am way to concerned with people pleasing.

Of course one of the biggest subjects I obsess over is obvious: My weight. Everything from; Why am I fat? Why can't I get it off? Why did I do this to myself? What should I eat? Why can't I plan better? Why can't I cook ahead? Why can't I just keep my mouth shut? And This has been going on for YEARS.

But unlike picking out hair dye, a decision that has a fairly rapid result I just keep obsessing over needing to, wanting to yet unable to Lose weight. Get Healthy, become good looking. It is just such a big problem to overcome, so many factors are involved. and some days it feels so intertwined with my other problems it is overwhelming. I am not just trying to lose weight, I am trying to overcome many of the facts, history, personal experiences, genetics, flaws, that make up me.