very very very bad eating day

Well it all started off on the wrong food with breakfast, I didn't know what I wanted, and I didn't feel like cooking anything so I lingered in the kitchen and started popping anything in reach in my mouth. And this continued on all day. But nothing was satisfying me, I just wasn't eating what I wanted, but i didn't know what I wanted. ugggh! I think there are a few reasons why I had a bad eating day, I ended up working overtime saturday which just added to the overtime I racked up this week so I was exhausted today, I didn't even hit the gym or make any effort to preform anything but the most necessary functions. Also there was some emotional eating component involved.

But on a positive note, I could have just ignored my less then stellar behavior and skip tracking but instead I tracked it all, not until the end of the day (maybe if I had done it sooner I would have stopped, but I doubt it!) and the total wasn't pretty, but at least it was honest.

Tomorrow is a new day, I cannot erase the calories I consumed today, but I can control the ones tomorrow. One off day is not a disaster. Oh and I will be leaving work on time and get my butt to the gym tomorrow night.

Weigh in Wednesday

I got my reward! 4 lbs down. Down to 315.

That is one pound less then what I dropped down to in 2007 and I think that means I am at my lowest weight since 2001.

Had a great week, hopefully it will show on the scale

My weigh in day also happens to fall on my day off of work. I don't know if it is the fact that my schedule is different on Wednesdays, since I get to sleep in etc, I always find that on my day off I tend to retain water, I can't get my rings off easily, which doesn't bode well for the scale. But if I had a weight loss, I should still be down water weight, or no water weight.

But I did have a good week. I exercised, my calories were in or close to the upper range. I generally feel really good about my progress. My snacking was reigned in and rice cakes did sneak back in the house but they remained uneaten. And I am proud that I managed to pass by the banana marshmallows twice without buying them. I cannot have them in the house, it is way to easy to justify to myself that it is okay to have just one more. I swear my brain recognizes sugar like a drug.

Banned

Hear ye! Hear ye! These items are henceforth banned from the premises:

Peanut butter


Rice cakes (all flavors but especially butter toffee)


Marshmallow Bananas


Maria cookies


For crimes against Erin's healthy eating goals. The exhile begins immediately for an indeterminate period of time, when you are no longer as dangerous to said healthy eating goals the ban may be revoked.

Weigh in Wednesday

One pound gain. Considering the humidity and the fact it hit 32 degrees today (Celsius) I was swollen up this morning and was unable to get my rings off. I did have a few bad days this week, mostly at night with snacking. But it is time to start getting that little problem under control.

Up to 319 lbs.

Back to tracking and a change in tracking apps

I got very lax with tracking my eating for a few months. I was ball parking the figures in my mind, which might explain a very very slow weight loss. Now when I first got my i pod touch back in September I downloaded a free calorie tracking app called Lose it! which also has an accompanying website and forum I loved it at first especially since it had a stand alone calorie database but eventually I got bored with the app and found it had limitations as well as a flaw for me. Whatever exercise I logged it added the calories I burned back to my calories I could eat.

So when I put my foot down with myself and decided to start tracking again I downloaded the Sparkpeople mobile app. I have been a member of spark since 06, but like all things weight loss over the years I come and go with varying levels of commitment and success. I am really liking the app, I used to find their online calorie tracker too time consuming, but they have made changes to it and I am finding it more user friendly. The only problem I can see with the spark mobile app, is that you need to have access to the internet to be able to access the food database. Luckily most places I go (work, home, mum's) has a WiFi connection that I can use.

Now I am just waiting to see my results from all this good behavior and consistency. Have I mentioned how very impatient I am?

Down 2 lbs

I should have been ecstatic when I lost two lbs last night, but I wasn't. I wanted it too be more, I feel like it should have been more. Now I know that 2 lbs a week is a healthy weight to lose, but when I had gained the week before I felt that I should have lost that number as well to catch up. I still am being so on track and still feel like I am not getting the payoff yet. I need to take a breath and look at the long term picture. This is a marathon, I need to pace myself, I am still in the beginning miles and the finish line isn't just suddenly going to show up. Not only that I did have one bad night this week food wise that could have factored it as well.

Down to 318

60 lbs is nothing to sneeze at

I was reflecting on how I have been on track for a year. Finally a long period of time where I have been working in a positive direction. A few weeks earlier I had been calculating that if I had lost 2 lbs a week every week, I should have lost 104 lbs in that year, and I had only lost 60. Well If I could have shook myself silly I would have. It is 60 lbs less then last year, a year ago I believed that another failure was around the corner. That any minute another weight loss effort would be down the drain and I would gain whatever I had lost plus pack on more. It was a valid fear, it is not the first time that that scenario has occurred. But I managed to keep going one day at a time, and I am still doing that. So yes last year I only lost 60 lbs, but I gained so much more; I began to believe in myself, something that had gone missing for a long long time.

on my own time

I've never been one to follow standard timelines easily. I feel like I am always either ahead or behind everyone else. I was a week late, I always (still do) oversleep, It took me forever to learn to tie my shoes, It took me five years to get my full drivers license, I took three years off between high school and college, ( sound like a real sharp tack, don't I?) on the other hand I learned to walk before crawling, read at an early age, did my own laundry by the time I was 7. Sometimes I get caught up with comparing my self with other peoples milestones, most of my friends of similar ages are getting married, buying houses and having babies all of which does not appear to be in my immediate future.

While I was thinking about all this I suddenly realized that I always thought of those big three milestones being associated with being thin. One day when I get thin I will be attractive and find the man of my dreams, then we will get married and have kids and my life will be perfect. So I have been waiting all this time to live my life when I get thin. Well that hasn't happened yet, and sure I am working towards being a healthy weight (thin is not really what I am aiming for) but my life will not be perfect, no ones life is. I could have these things even if I stayed the same weight I am today.

The main idea here is to stop comparing my progress in life and in weight loss with others. Well I find great inspiration in reading others weight loss journeys I need to stop comparing my progress. It is my life and I will live it on my own timeline, and it is my weight loss journey and I will lose weight when I lose it. And I may not be ready for the whole love, marriage, kids yet , I figure when I am ready for these things to happen, they will happen, on my own time. It doesn't mean that I am less successful, or am somehow less of a person. And that is what I need to realize, and I am starting to do that, finally. I will be much happier for it.

Swimsuit Sunday Blog Challange at swimming it off

Here I am in my swimsuit, not only do I appear in public in it, on the internet now too! And I am in good company with all the other swimmers accepting Stacia's challenge. If you click on the blog title, it will Link to swimming it off.

One Year

I have been on track for just a little over a year now.

and in that year

I wrote 112 blog entries

I received 22 comments from 2 people Thanks guys!

I have read countless other blogs for inspiration

Dropped one size

I lost 60 lbs

I began to believe in myself

Thursday recap

Well I stayed on track today, I ate around 1700 cals, drank a ton of water (2.5 L) and it the pool for 40 mins. I did notice today that because I had not been swimming as frequently as I have been spending more time at the gym I was having a tough go, I seemed to need more breaks and I wasn't as fast. Also I think I had a muscle in the thigh above my knee cramp up, it felt like a hard lump and was painful, the muscle has relaxed now thankfully. So I am continuing to follow the path I have set out and hopefully I will get a number reward next week. I am hoping to drop 3 lbs.

Despite my best behavior

I had an awesome week. I tracked my food every day, remained in calorie range and I hit the gym three times and took a long walk/hike as well. I drank water like it was going out of style. I felt positive, looking towards my goal I could do this, I can do this. However my mind is like training a puppy, you need to reward the good behavior if you want them to keep doing something, and the scale did not reward me this week! I so badly want to be under 300! when I walk into the kitchen I say to myself "under 300" when I am on the elliptical "under 300", when I am just doing nothing my mind is thinking "under 300, under 300, under 300" and the number on the scale dared to move up! I was a good girl this week, on my best behavior and I want my reward!

But never fear, I will not let this get me down. The good behavior will continue, and next week the scale shall reward me or it is going out Jack sh*t style. Hear that scale?

Back up to 320

The out of sight out of mind principal

Well that sounds like a completely easy concept, why didn't I do that before? *smacks self on forehead* Yep, this one doesn't really need to be explained, I took all the boxes of cereal, bread, rice cakes etc off the top of the fridge and counter top and put them in a cupboard! Out of sight. Amazingly the effect was that when I walked into the kitchen I didn't randomly put my hand in a box of cereal and mindlessly eat 120 calories.

I didn't even do this deliberately, I was just tidying up and though it looked too crowded so i put the stuff in the cupboard. It wasn't until a few days later when I opened that cupboard to look for something I was like "hey, I forgot about you guys!" So now I am going to try the reverse concept: in sight, in mind. So all the veggies have been cut up and are now occupying a shelf in the fridge (not in the crisper, that's where they will become sad shadows of their former selves, like child stars) that I see first thing when I open the fridge. Sometimes the most simple concepts are the ones that take you awhile to grasp.

Weekly recap

Because today was a holiday and I didn't have to work I keep thinking it is Sunday, which is really confusing me. The last week I feel I may have turned a corner, I feel like the light switch is back on.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday- ate fairly well but definitely needs improvement. relied to heavily on some food crutches, ie: peanut butter and rice cakes. Weighed in and down a pound.

Thursday- back on track food wise, but I need to stop buying rice cakes. oh and marshmallow bananas I love those candies so yummy yet so evil.

Friday- day off of work, had lunch out with my mom, though I was afraid of eating out, I didn't do too badly and still came within my calorie range for the day. Hit the gym and the pool.

Saturday- work but went for a nice walk in the evening.

Sunday - Hit the gym and had a great workout. Attended a virtual wedding party. We all hung out at a pub and watched a friend get married live over a webcam. I did eat out again but still maintained my calorie range. I wore one of my new shirts, and I felt pretty good, thought I looked okay until my friend posted the photos on face book, but I may be over critical of myself.

Monday- Happy Victoria day. Went on my first long walk with my dog, just over an hour and managed to make it home just in time before the rain hit. The trail was still a bit too soggy so during that part I ended up walking off trail a bit and along fallen trees. I really need to work on my balance, I was convinced I was going to fall and break something, or at least have to walk all the way home covered in mud. Thankfully neither occurred. Came way under calorie range today, weird it doesn't feel like I ate any less.

I started tracking everything again and it really has helped me feel more in control, but I am feeling that way in my non weight loss life. Circumstances at work have changed where a very stressful element has been removed, making my daily life better. Oh and water, I have jumped back on the water bandwagon.

60 lbs down Pics

372 lbs Feb 2009 319 lbs May 2011
(Highest weight 379 May 2010) 60 lbs gone

Down to 319..... 60 lbs down

I lost 4 lbs this week finally I feel like I am getting back on track. I hit the 319 mark a few weeks ago but gained the next week, so I didn't really feel that I had hit the 60 lbs down mark. But right now I can't wait to lose the next 20 lbs and be 299. 19 measly little pounds stand between me and the 200's, I just have to get my head in the game, and keep on track.

Because I deserve it

I have been treating myself and spending money left, right and centre the last week and a half. I am not used to it. I am so used to scrimping and saving that it feels almost wrong to spend money for stuff on myself. I never have a problem spending the same amount of money on a gift for someone else, but for many reasons I never feel like I deserve to treat myself, that the money could have better uses, that I should go without. But this week that flew out the window, on a whim I went out and had my hair cut, taking off about 7 inches in length (I hadn't had my hair cut in a year), then I hit the sale and Penningtons (North of the borders version of Lane Bryant) and bought myself a summer wardrobe (since mine was sadly lacking) and a new pair of yoga pants, then I had a manicure/pedicure when I took mum out for mothers day. And guess what, I feel good. I felt good to chop off 7 inches of dead hair and have a lighter cut for summer, it felt good to go clothes shopping and get clothing in a size smaller then I did last year, and it felt good to have my nails done, and they have looked pretty all week. I deserved it.

It feels good to feel good, it lightened my whole mood, and outlook. I am feeling positive again and optimistic about my goals.

the cold is over!

5 weeks in total I got to suffer with that cold, It finally got so bad I actually thought of going to the Doctor, of course I couldn't be seen, but here try some cough syrup. P.S. it sounds like you have a viral cough, that could last 90 days, you don't need antibiotics.

Never mind the red, inflamed, throat. I finally decided to go to a walk in clinic to a Doc who would prescribe me antibiotics which my cough responded to and my throat pretty much cleared up.

At this point I still cough occasionally, I think it is more like my lungs trying to exercise, so happy they can do their job and exchange Oxygen for Carbon dioxide. And my energy is coming back. I have started to exercise again, and I am back to logging my food. The weather is becoming nice again and I am looking forward to a lot of outdoor exercise this summer. Hiking is definitely on the agenda.

Well I just wanted to pop on here and let it be known to the internet that the cold didn't kill me, what doesn't kill me makes me stronger.

The cold from HE double hockey sticks.....

Thats how us Canucks spell hell. Just a little FYI.

I have been laid up with a cold for 14 days now, it has thrown every symptom at me, exhaustion, sinus, headache, ear ache, and the loudest hacking cough you have ever heard. I am surprised I have not had complaints from my neighbors. My co-workers sure are sick of me, they have started calling me typhoid Mary, despite the fact that I am the only one that is sick. Anyways because of the fact I can't speak a full sentence without breaking into a fit of coughing, and the fact I spend every spare minute I can trying to rest, the gym has been a no go. But thanks to intermittent nausea and lack of appetite, I am now down to 321.

I also had my Birthday. I am now 29 years young, and unlike most people coming close to their thirties, I am actually looking forward to it. I feel like I am finally getting my life together. I am slowly getting out of debt and building a financial future, and I feel like I am getting a handle on my obesity and that I am doing something about it. Now I had wanted to be under 300 by my b-day but that didn't happen. So I am continuing to strive towards it, but with no set time limit. It will happen when it happens. No undo pressure , no feelings of failure. I am looking at the last year of my twenties as a year to achieve a lot, to focus on myself and lay the groundwork for my next 30 years. I can't wait to get started once I get rid of this damn cold!

Slippin

While I have been throwing up my hands in the air and saying "why, am I not losing" when I darn well know why I am not losing weight.It's Me. I haven't been logging my food all, I have been treating rice cakes and peanut butter as a meal and then a snack, and then a meal again. And cookies have slipped back from a sometimes food to a daily deal (sorry cookie monster but when I was a kid that was not your slogan!), my water consumption has gone way down, to pretty much just when I am at the gym. I have been hitting the gym but swimming sessions have been missed as I lost motivation to go in direct relation to the cold weather. And my blogging has gone way down even though I really should be doing blog therapy through this tough time.

So what in the world has gotten in to me?

I mean I want to lose weight, desperately. So whyhave I let myself slip, and lost some effort and commitment. I think that this is a very very complicated answer.

I probably did hit a plateau, but instead of busting through it, or doubling my effort I started slacking, first it wasn't logging my food one day, then the next and then a whole week. And then suddenly I started eating like it was going out of style. I mean I started looking for something else to eat before I had finished what I was chewing. And I kept rationalizing it, however I could.

I also think there is a deeper reason, I think I am afraid. I want to be under 300 lbs, but I don't think I have been under that weight for about 10 years. I have come close and each time I come close I begin to put the weight back on, I think I may be afraid and self sabotaging.

I know Obesity, I have always been obese/overweight, my family is all overweight/obese, I guess as much as I want to change I have this wall of safety of what I know that I am trying to break through.

I am up 3 lbs this week, up to 325. I will not make by under 300 by my birthday (which is next week). But I will do it.


I know what I have to do, I just need to do it.

Why in the world would you wear such Baggy clothes??

Yes this is an actual comment I received Friday night. It was preceded by hey are you thinner? and when I said that yes I had lost some weight I got that somewhat backhanded remark. On one hand I am glad that my weight loss is beginning to be noticeable, but on the other, I am still not ready to deal with any sort of discussion on this matter. It is still one of my highly personal issues. And while the clothes comment was not meant to be mean it also came from someone who probably spends more money on clothing in a month, then I do in several years. And not only that I was wearing a work uniform, not exactly Au couture. So their perspective is a bit different. But I do try to maximize the use I get out of clothing, but even I will admit that it is clearly the time for me to retire that particular set of scrubs, and probably some others as well.

Second comment I got was " your swimming in that". And then the questions started, why, how long, how much, what are you eating, have you always been heavy, you should do this, you should eat that, my friend lost X amount on X program....... all polite conversation, and with concern. And as I continue I know I will need to prepare to answer these questions because the more people around me notice, the more they want to know about it.

continuing to crawl....

out of the 320's. I am down to 322 as of the weigh in tonight. That is 57 lbs down. I think it is fair to say I will not be making it out of the 300's by April. So what? that was a self imposed deadline. I think the teacher will give me an extension. :)

Some things you just don't need to see.....

I hate the entire wall, floor to ceiling mirror that the Gym or excuse me "fitness center" has positioned right in front of the cardio machines. So as I am huffing and puffing I get to stare at myself and see exactly what my body looks like when moving. It is already hard enough to get up the courage to go into the gym when you are morbidly obese, and get on the machines next to the very pretty skinny young 19 year old who has never had a weight problem in her life, but what has always helped is for me to stop thinking what I look like, think to myself "screw em" and just get down to business. That is hard to do when you get watch your thighs rubbing together in real time.

Now this isn't my regular gym, it is one of the ones that happen to be on my way home from work, so I thought I would pop in and give it a try, since I have access to all the ones in this particular chain in the province. Now I can understand having the mirror near the weights, where people may need to check their form, make sure they are positioned right etc. But in front of the cardio machines. Come on!

Silence

I have been pretty quiet on here for the last few weeks, I just haven't had anything to share. Or at least I thought I didn't have anything to share. No new goals have been met, I have been continuing to struggle to get out of the 320's, I have been up and down, up and down the same 5 lbs for 5 weeks now. And somehow instead of realizing that I have some stuff that needs to be addressed and worked out, and have been just shrugging my shoulders thinking, "now why is the weight just not coming off?" Gosh I wonder why.

I haven't logged my food for 5 weeks now.
I have been shoveling food in my mouth randomly like it is going out of style.
Peanut butter while very delicious is not calorie free (sadly)


And there is just some of my many sins.

Some of it is emotional eating, I have been very stressed at work the last 6 weeks or so (some could argue the last 6 months). And then rather suddenly out of the blue some feelings regarding an issue in my life came out to bite me in the butt, stuff I thought I had finally let go (guess again!!!). So emotionally I have been a bit ragged.

Then there is the fatigue of weight loss, you put all this time, energy, thought and effort in for months at a time and suddenly you are just so tired of it all, even though you are starting to see results.

I am also realizing that I get to this point every time, I lose 50 lbs and then I start to put it back on again, and I am really really trying hard not to let that happen. I have come so far.......but there is still so far to go.

But instead of facing all of this and maybe trying to work it out by writing, I have been silent. And for me that is never good.

Back down to 323 56 lbs down.

Calorie Cramming

The last few weeks I have been eating mass amounts of food, I have definitely been feeling a bit out of control with food consumption. I guess most people would define it as binging. All right, it's binging. See there I can be honest. I have demolished a box of cereal in a couple of days. Sitting there grabbing a handful of cereal putting it in my mouth and then grabbing another before I have even swallowed. Clearly this in unhealthy behavior. While I am doing this I am thinking, "No! you don't need these extra calories!" But something else is saying "more, more, more, more." Is it my brain? I don't really think it is conscious thought. Is it some brain chemistry gone haywire? Is cereal, and rice cakes my cocaine? is there some emotional trigger setting me off? Work is the same stress level as always not too much has changed, and there is nothing in my personal life that is bothering me, in fact I am happier then usual. My schedule was messed up last week and am still recovering from that. Whatever the cause, I need to stop the symptom. I just don't know how.

A big gain, but I deserved it

I gained 4 lbs this week. I totally earned every single pound. I was away all weekend attending a work related conference and then when I came home I attended a party, where I consumed alcohol and lots of salty foods. Then I skipped the gym.

So this week I am heading back to the basics. Drink water, eat 2000 cals a day, exercise 4 times this week and log my food and start heading back in the right direction.

Back up to 328


P.S. I have a funny feeling that my mom may have stumbled on this little journal of mine, I figure she must have checked the browser history or something on her computer when mine was out to the shop. So Mom if your reading this, I know....... and I didn't tell you about this for the 2 years I have been writing on it is because I just don't talk about it. No one knows.

I just love a sale

You can't go wrong when pretty much the only above average clothing store around (on this side of the border) has a 70% off sale. I had just thought to myself the other day that I wouldn't be purchasing any clothes till spring, and give myself some time to drop down some more weight. But then I got that email so I had to go. I really wanted to go on Friday but didn't make it till today. So I'm sure a lot of the really good stuff went already but what was really awesome was not only did I end up getting a pair of jeans for $10, they fit, and they were a size 26! They are a bit tight, but they did up with out any fancy sucking in, lying down, or praying! I did try on other pants size 26 and they fit too, but I didn't really need any dress pants so they stayed at the store. It was so nice to leave the store knowing that one day maybe in the distant future I will be able to shop in regular stores. The previous day I spent several hours out shopping with my friend, however we didn't go into any stores that had clothes above a XL, which was a bit disappointing, I mean you get to look at all these great clothes, but wonder if you will ever be able to fit into them.

But today I revel in my victory, I am now in a smaller pant size then last may when I restarted this journey.

Weigh in Wednesday

Down 8 lbs. okay That number is a bit skewed. Two weeks ago I had a big gain 5 lbs that I had lost by the next day and the next Wednesday there was a snowstorm so the weigh in was canceled. So that is a 3 lb loss over 2 weeks. It was still really awesome to see that number. So I now weigh 323 lbs!. 24 lbs to go in the next 57 days to reach my birthday goal.

The ring test

I still wear my graduation ring from high school. It has been over 10 years now since I graduated and I have thought about no longer wearing it. It is the only jewelery I wear except when it comes to special occasions (it is just not practical in my daily work life). It is stone in the center is getting awfully chipped up and it's not even that pretty of a ring. I keep it on for two main reasons: 1) a relative bought it for me, and it is one of the few connections I ever had to that person 2) I can do the ring test whenever I want to.

What is the ring test? well it's pretty simple, if I can easily get it on and off my finger I know I am doing pretty good weight wise. When I wake up on weigh in day it is one of the first things I do, if I can't get it off the finger a gain will occur, (thank you water retention) however if I can chances are good i will have lost. It's more accurate then the groundhog on Feb 2. I guess it is becoming a bit of a habit slipping the ring on and off during the day, it is a little instant validation of all my hard work. I remember a time when I didn't take it off, just because it felt like I was trying to rip my finger off at the same time. But now it comes off with little effort.

Maybe I will reward myself with a new ring one of these days, maybe at the 80 lbs down mark. By then hopefully I will be having a hard time keeping my grad ring on.

smash and grab eating

I Have been terrible with eating these last few days, very much smash and grab, no planning. It sort of works like this: "I am hungry! oh look there are some crackers, oh hey peanut butter. ummm peanut butter and crackers. " Pretty much like that. I really need to start working on more of the nutrition aspect, and meal prep. Because the trouble begins when I am hungry, and there isn't any food with a reasonable prep time then snacking happens, just to "tide you over" until dinner is ready but really that is just extra calories making their way into my system. Sneaky buggers. I have also had a lack of logging my food, which I have no excuse for, it's as if I totally forgot it was something I did every day.

So there is what I need to work on, along with many other things.

But I do have two good things to report.

1) I made myself go to the gym tonight after work, my brain was giving me every excuse in the bood. "go home first then head to the gym" "you worked out yesterday, you don't need to go today" "your tired you worked hard today". blah blah blah, blah. But I persevered I drove myself into that parking lot because I knew if I went home first there was no getting me back out again.

2)My bath towel actually wrapped around me. Now it is a really really large towel, but I couldn't believe it when I stepped out of the shower last night and realized that there wasn'ta large gaping space leaving me indecent. whoo hoo!

Movie Popcorn 2

I headed out to the movies last night for the half price Tuesday and saw The Kings speech. Which by the way is excellent. I love Colin Firth, even though he was way hotter as Mr. Darcy in P&P but I can't imagine any actor being able to do a better job. I didn't expect to laugh as much as I did and I have now picked up a new combination of swear words to use when exercising, thank you King George VI.

But the true challenge of any movie going experience is the popcorn. I told myself during the day, well just don't have it. But I really wanted some. So I bought the kids combo, which had maybe 4 cups of popcorn instead of the smallest bag of popcorn which probably has something like 10. And it was enough. I was satisfied and I didn't just keep on munching since it was all gone.

Saying it out loud

I never thought in a million years you would get me to verbally say my weight out loud. Maybe to a very close family member, only under duress to a friend, outright lie about it on a drivers license, but Never ever ever ever to a stranger.

But lately with this whole gym experience I have been saying it a lot. They all ask, from the membership coordinator, to the trainers, It is the first thing. How much do you weigh? How old are you? How much do you want to lose? What is the time line?

330, 330, 330, 330!

And I swear I am even starting to say it without pause, without shame attached. Almost nonchalant.

That is huge, for me.

I weigh 330 lbs (actually 328 now!) It is a fact, a statistic, a number. That is all. Yes that number represents a whole lot of work to be done. But I am working at it.

Weigh in Wednesday

Hey I know that this is being posted on a Saturday, but I am catching up here. I gained 5 lbs. Isn't that absolutely ridiculous! But I am not upset at all, because by I jumped back on the scale on Friday and it was all gone. Damn you water weight, and bloating and chocolate cravings associated with various hormonal cycles.

The scale gods, should be better to me next week.

The rest of the "Gym" sessions

I have finished the rest of my Gym introduction sections, or where they try to sell you stuff in a 1 hour period.

Two of the sessions were workouts with a trainer. The first one I had the same guy from when I was all measured up. And I still found him mildly insulting. He really tried to sell me on the purchasing personal training sessions which I informed him I could not afford end of story. He kept saying how he didn't feel right "putting his name to this" since I didn't know what I was doing but in the end since I still wouldn't budge he showed me some of the gym machines and did give me some instructions. Workout number 2 was with a young female trainer, who was nice, but promptly forgot my name and called me "sweetie" the entire time. She gave me the sell spiel but dropped it when it wasn't promising. She did an actual workout with me, that I could still feel the next day.

The nutrition session was a big sales session as well basically I learned nothing from it but if I paid X amount of dollars every 2 weeks and came in for a 10 min session once a week I would learn the big secret to losing weight. Huh, imagine that. I declined.

The last session was Boxing. The Boxing gym isn't included in the membership. However boxing was fun. You can't go wrong when you get to punch things! The guy was pretty straight forward and didn't say a bunch of crap to try to make me buy a membership. And at the end of the 45 mins I was exhausted. I also learned I need to make skipping a priority, cause seriously I was supposed to skip for 2 mins and could barley go 10 seconds straight. Man I am out of shape!

Now I am done their introductory session, they can leave me alone and I can do my own thing. There is no doubt I need instruction, direction, and occasional motivation but when I feel that I have come to the point where I need a change I will think of buying some personal training sessions or a boxing membership. But until then bugger off with your sales pitches!

My computers back

So much to catch up on. Two weeks away from my computer has been a real pain, from reading other blogs, to research to keeping up with friends, an of course keeping myself entertained, had been reduced to surfing on my i pod, which had its limitations. I couldn't post at all, I just couldn't make myself type on that little screen, it was enough to drive me up the wall. I had to have a new hard drive installed which meant I lost all my data and programs, though I didn't really have anything on there that was too devastating to lose. My only real concern was my music, especially since the i tunes I installed wanted to erase my i pod and sync it to the blank library. Thankfully I stopped it and saved my music. I downloaded a program that was able to copy everything off my i pod and back to i tunes, I am not sure why i tunes couldn't just take it off my i pod in the first place!

I did lose the work out play list I had made, oh well I will just have to remake it.

Workout

Headed to the gym again today, I hadn't been able to get there since Wednesday afternoon due to work. I did go for a swim on Thursday at the rec center, so I am averaging every other day physical activity. I did 30 mins on the elliptical. It really felt great, I can't believe I maintained an activity at a fair intensity level for that long. I was going to do some more cardio on the treadmill just a brisk walk, but my friend suggested we check out the yoga class. It turned out great. I haven't taken yoga except for a free class in college I enjoyed it then but I was a bit worried it would be too advanced. I shouldn't have worried some poses were hard to do, some I just can't do simply because my belly is in the way but the instructor told you what to do if you were having difficulty. I felt quite relaxed after the class and my friend and I have decided that we are going to make a routine out of that for our Sundays, head to the gym for a work out and go to yoga on Sundays. It is really nice that we now have an shared activity we can go and do together, something that is healthy and we are not stuffing our faces.

My laptop has decided to give me problems and is in for service, so I am without a computer for now and that means I am also without my main source of entertainment, since it also acts as my TV, my reading material and my DVD player. I am hoping it is not an expensive fix.

Goals and Timelines

At the gym a lot of the forms I had to fill out asked for my goals and the timeline that needed to be met. As for timeline, I told them that there was no timeline, I lose this weight when I lose it, and that raised a few eyebrows. Apparently I should be in a rush, some event I must be thin by. But I have no looming wedding, or high school reunion, I just wish to become healthy.

Over the last few months I have been very leery on even stating a number I wish to lose in a week, month or year. Being afraid that I may put to much pressure on myself, and when I am unable to perform up to that standard I would feel failure and quit.

However on my first post of the New Year, I said I would like to lose 100 lbs by the dawn of 2012. That is a huge number, one that would bring me down to 233 lbs. But I'm still afraid. Afraid of failure, disappointment, continuation of my unhealthy lifestyle. Gaining back the 51 lbs I have already lost. But I am biting the bullet and stating that I am going to lose 100 lbs in 2011.

So I thought I would break it into smaller more manageable goals. For each quarter of the year my goal is to lose 25 lbs. That is an average of 1.9 lbs per week. See manageable. And now in the first 2 weeks of the year I have already lost 5 lbs.

I do have a slightly higher goal in mind for the first quarter of the year. I would like to be under 300 lbs by my birthday. To do that I will need to lose 2.5 lbs per week.

Weigh in Wednesday and measuring up

Well according to my scale, I am down to 328! Past the 50 lbs mark baby! whoohoo!

Today was the appointment with the gym to be all measured up and documented. And answer a lot of questions for insurance purposes, just in case I suddenly die in the midst of a zumba class or something.

First off I did have to fill out a questionnaire about my goals, my setbacks, previous attempts, my height and weight, my nutritional knowledge, fitness knowledge etc. Most of this whole questionnaire was designed so they could better sell me on their weight loss program on which I have no desire to purchase and won't be talked into. I am sure the gentleman who was doing my "assessment" has a quota to fill, and he did his best at trying to make it appear financial feasible after I informed him I'm pretty broke and just joining the gym is a stretch on the wallet. He was a little surprised that I appeared to know more about nutrition and exercise than expected.

Part two and this was really weird for me, not only did I say how much weight I wanted to lose, but I stepped on a scale, and verbally said my weight in front of a total stranger (who also happened to be a man, definitely not my comfort zone. Then out came the measuring tape. Another awkward moment between strangers. I then had my body fat percentage read using some electrodes on my hand and foot, basically I am mostly fat. This is not news to me. 67%.
My BP was a bit high, but the gym guy said that wasn't abnormal most people are stressed out. However he said my resting heart rate was unusually low, but for me that is normal.

Basically since I wasn't going to sign up for their weight loss program or hire on a personal trainer his only exercise related advice was to do "cardio, cardio, cardio" but stay off the treadmill cause this wasn't low impact and to maybe try aqua fit. And that because I wasn't going to join one of their programs I would probably be prone to injury. I do have another session with him next week, where he shows me how to work out and use some of the machines.

I did feel mildly insulted over the exercise advice, because I am sure he doesn't realize how physical my job is, and how I have been swimming 3 x a week for the last 7 months and doing 2 hour hikes. So I am not just starting out, I have been at this for awhile. I just kept thinking to myself, I have already lost 49 lbs (51 now!) on my own, so really I totally rock.

After all this, which took about 45 mins, I headed to the gym section ( the women's only part) and did a small work out, 20 mins on the elliptical machine, and 20 on the treadmill, as these are really the only machines I'm not afraid of.

First Gym experience

Well it wasn't so bad. I had feelings of trepidation, but I was also slightly excited (go figure?). I headed to the gym right after work, and met up with my friend and her mum. They had come early to try out a zumba class but weren't that thrilled with it. We are going to try another one on Sunday when I can go. It was more of a get to know the place and machines. I did some cardio on the treadmill and elliptical, and some weight machines. Then we hit the pool. I am not as thrilled with the pool, but I think that is because I have been at a pool where that is the main focus. I am thinking I may keep my membership at the rec center up, so that I can do some swimming there still (I still have several months to go before that expires). I really need a lot more instruction regarding exercises etc, but I will muddle through, I know that there are a lot of great resources out there like spark people etc.

You are now leaving the comfort zone

I'm not really ready for this excursion into the gym world. It was in my grand scheme of things eventually, maybe when I had lost 100 lbs or more, until then I was planing on sticking to the pool and walking trails, and maybe graduate to the mountain brow stairs. It was always going to be "someday" I will join a gym. While today was that day, and I still feel really uneasy about it. My friend had negotiated with the gym previously for memberships for her family getting them to knock off up front fees etc, and she was nice enough to include me in the negotiations, I was able to join as a previous client even though I have never been there before. We were supposed to go together but due to an emergency I had to brave it alone. I had to answer a questionnaire asking questions like my weight, my fitness goals etc, I received the tour, and their additional services sale pitch which I declined. As we were touring I seriously wanted to shrivel up or throw on an invisibility cloak. As we walked into each room people automatically look up, and I could feel their eyes on me, ugh it was enough to make me want to throw up.

I really need to get over this anxiety. No one is looking at you, No one cares, and if they think oh my god another New year recruit, February dropout well screw 'em . It doesn't matter, you are here for you. I think I may be spending a lot of time in the section of the gym reserved for women only, I may be more comfortable there.

The Gym provides a fitness assessment, Which I will be doing later in the week, apparently there will be a lot of measuring going on and then some sort of 5 min cardio, which I will not do all that great on.

Ahh what have I gotten myself into???

why buying a workout DVD felt like a dirty magazine

I mentioned last month that I had tried the 30 day shred. Well a few weeks before cracking it open I purchased it from a book store (more like conglomerate). I went in for the express purpose of purchasing the video. However it took me almost an hour to walk up the the cashier with it. First I headed to the section with the health and fitness stuff, where I previously had scouted it's existence. However there was a couple there and I didn't want to be seen in that area, so I picked up a few books and read the jackets. After a few minutes the couple walked away and I whisked to the shelves grabbed the copy and almost grabbed a biggest loser workout, but left it. I then quickly dashed out and continued to browse books all while carefully holding the DVD between my arm and body with only the bottom of the back showing so others wouldn't be able to see what I was buying. After awhile when the line to the cash was shorter I bought it.

What in the world was I afraid of? That a complete stranger that I would never speak to, or see again would see me buying a work out video. My gosh it wasn't Porn, but that is almost what it felt like to me. It was shame. Shame that I am fat, embarrassed because in my mind the cashier or strangers would be thinking, "oh yeah here is another fat person buying an exercise tape, like she will ever use it." In reality the only person thinking that was me. Still afraid of failure, and what others will think. I still consider this part of my life very private, I don't share it. I am sure that is all part of the fear of failure, and others knowing I have failed. I am most comfortable exercising in an environment where there is the fewest witnesses possible to my disgrace, and the efforts to change it.

But I am making headway into the problem. I swim in public, I use a public walking trail, I go the a support group.

One day I may be able to join a class, a gym, share my successes with others.

But for now, I will tightly close my dining room curtains before popping in the DVD and getting down to business.

Oh and to top it off, the cashier bagged my DVD in a plain brown wrapper.

Goals I am most excited about reaching

• Under 300 - I haven't been under this weight for at least 7 years maybe more.

• Under 280- This is the weight before I will allow myself to get on a horse. I once read in a magazine when I was a kid that this was a maximum weight a rider should be and that figure stuck in my head. I don't know if that is true. But I feel like if I weigh more then that I am asking too much of the horse. In reality I will probably wait till I am around 250. Otherwise I would just feel bad for the horse.

• Fitting in 2 X - Most clothing manufactures do go up to 2 x, and all the really cute scrubs sets only go up to 2X.
• Purchasing clothes in a normal store, I have never purchased anything that wasn't in the "above average section" or a specialty plus size store.
  

• Being able to do a yoga position normally without the belly getting in the way.

• Being able to run for greater then 5 seconds

• Stop being embarrassed about being seen exercising in public

• When I can get up easily from the floor.

• Easily passing through a turn style you know those ones you go through to get into a store or onto the subway platform.

First weigh in of the New Year

Down 3 lbs. Back down to my pre holiday weight of 330, almost to the 50 lb mark.

My Best friend and her entire family are joining up to a gym for their new years resolution for getting into shape. My friend is a big negotiator and is haggling with the gym regarding fees etc. She called me up tonight and asked if I wanted in and the price she has given is great so I said yes. But I don't know if I am ready to face a gym yet. For one thing, at least I will be in good company, so I won't be facing it alone, but I don't know if I am up to handling classes etc, and I am still so self conscious being seen exercising in public. Another bonus is my friend and I would be spending more time with each other, also a big new years resolution with us. We tend to let our busy lives take over and we haven't gotten to see each other too much even though she has moved back to the city.

I am sure there will be people who stare, but I guess at this time of the year there will be lots of unfit people who will be at the gym. I just need to get over my self consciousness.

Making Goals, not resolutions

So weight loss is not a New Years resolution this year. Why not? first I haven't made a resolution I haven't broken so I don't make them. Secondly I was already losing weight last year so really it is a continuation, not something new.

But I have a goal in mind for 2011.

Now because of past failures, I was very hesitant to state any sort of timeline or put to much pressure on myself regarding numbers and results. I was just seeing how it went. I wasn't very confidant in my myself or my mission.
But thanks to a whole wack of optimism from goodness knows where (this is awfully strange to me I am naturally a pessimist) I suddenly have confidence, I will do it, I will succeed. I am amazing, and awesome, and will kick my ass outta here.

So here it goes......in 2011 I will lose 100 lbs. *eek there I said it out loud*

Yes it sounds like a lot but I am looking at it like this, each quarter of the year, I need to lose 25 lbs. Now see doesn't 25 lbs seem doable?

So here goes my first quarter of the year, January to March, starting weight 333, (but weigh in is on wed and I need to account for all that extra eating and chocolates confessed to yesterday). With 13 weeks that means I need to lose 1.9 lbs a week.

Yeah! 2011 is here

I am very relieved to be welcoming the New Year. For most of December I felt like, "is it January yet?" It will be so nice to be able to get back into my routine and not have the dread of holiday feasting to live with. The pool is back open this week, it will be so great to get back in the water, it has been three weeks since I got my feet wet (so to speak). And the Christmas goodies will clear away from the office, only the stuff no body likes is hanging around now. I could have done worse over the holidays, and I could have done better. I did very well until Dec 24th, when as the poor suckers who had to work we decided to throw ourselves an impromptu party and order in Chinese food and then it was a free for all calorically from then on. Then there was the chocolate consumption, I alone consumed an entire box of turtles. At least this was over the period of 5 days. No excuses I know, but I was fighting those lovely hormones at the time.

Finally it is a new year, a new decade, how exciting. I was thinking on what kind of outlook I usually have at the beginning of a new year, and usually it is really negative, for example;

"Gosh how could you get so fat"
"Another year gone and still fat, what a waste."
"you'll never get it off"
"I guess I will give it another try! But I just can't do it" .

But this year I feel really optimistic regarding, well just about everything not just weight loss. Someone must be slipping me the happy drugs without my knowledge.
I lost 47 lbs in 2010 and I fully intend to continue on with that pattern.

Happy New Year, Here's to a new you.