I walk a lonely road

Sometimes I feel very lonely. I don't mind being alone, or by myself but it seems to be a lot. I exercise alone, either swimming or walking. I only have a few close friends that I don't get to see a lot as life seems to get in the way. We are all at different points in our lives They are either married and having children, or getting married while I remain single.

They also don't have a major weight problem like I have so I don't really know how much they would relate to it. Especially when it is such a big part of my life. I have a very small family, and I sometimes feel the panic when I think of losing one of them, not only because I love them and would miss them, but just how much smaller my family would become.

Now some of this is my own fault. I am shy, and self conscious about my weight, and well self esteem and I have never been on good terms. I am sure some people would never guess I am shy but I just put on a brave front in that regard. Acting. I am not involved in any activities where I could get to know more people, and I work long hours and am a homebody when I am home. I am also the independent type, even when I have a task to do at work I usually try to figure out a way to perform it myself before asking for assistance. I've never really made friends easily. (ha I guess that could just be my personality.)

So yes I am alone a lot of the time, but I am also alone on this weight loss journey. My family is overweight from moderate to markedly. But right now I am the only one seriously doing something about it. So it is up to me to "get er done" of course it has always had to been me, no one else can do this for me.

I do belong to a weight loss support group, but once again the person closest to my age in the group is my mother. All of the ladies are older, different activity levels, different abilities, different weight categories. I think that is one of the reasons I like reading blogs so much, not just for inspiration but I can find someone who is in a similar situation to mine, who have experienced what it is like to live your life at 379 lbs and try to change that.

So this is my journey, my road and I am the only one on it. However there is a similar road with a similar traveler in the next county. I guess I am not totally alone.

Being Discreet

I keep mentioning being discreet about logging my food, and I figured I would explain that. I mentioned compartmentalizing my life in a previous post, how I don't talk about weight loss to certain people. How even though I have a blog that I write all this down in I don't talk about these issues with people I know, save a few. I don't like questions to be asked that may lead to a discussion about my obesity. I am really private about that stuff. I also think that is partly due to a fear of failure. If no one knows I am trying then they don't know when I have failed.

My mom is not like that, when she is on a weight loss kick, she will tell anyone and everyone about how many days she has eaten salads, how far she has walked, how much she has lost. She is proud of herself, and she is also the type to self promote and feels more comfortable in the limelight and attention. I don't even like to mention if I made the honor roll or got a raise, I guess I let my mom do my bragging for me and since she is my mom she loves to brag (don't all mums?).

But It does drive me a little crazy when she tells people about what she is doing to lose weight, especially when I am sitting right there. I always think that whoever she is talking to is thinking; "Hey what about your daughter, look at her, is she doing anything to lose all that weight?" Okay maybe they are not, but it is how I feel.

I Give thanks......

For the beautiful 21 0C day after two weeks of gloomy weather that allowed me be outside today

For the city I live in, and all it's neat trails and facilities that allow me to get active for cheap

For my Country, I am free, I have rights, I have freedom of expression, I have Health Care!

For my Job, when so many others are without one

For my dog, who is my constant companion, and walking buddy

For my friends, the few yet brave! Those who I can vent to and be silly with.

For my Gran who I can so easily make proud with the simplest of tasks.

For my Mom, who's love and support I have never been in doubt of and I know I will always have.

For the past, it has made me what I am today

For the present which I live working on myself

For the future, and the person I hope to become.


For so many things I just can't name because we all take them for granted everyday

Pain

For as long as I can remember my mom has always been in pain. She was told many years ago that she would be in a wheel chair with in a few years. She was told to stop working. She was told she would be dead. But since she doesn't like being told what to do she hasn't died, she isn't in a wheel chair and she works 12 hours a day.

As you can surley guess my mom is morbidly obese too. She has done great over the years she is down from over 400 lbs to around 250 lbs it has taken her 30 years but I am proud of her, She still has a long way to go. But still she is in pain every single day. She has arthritis all over her body, complicated from years of having to much weight on her joints.

When I was a kid, I was used to dealing with her pain, I didn't understand it, and sometimes when I had to go do the laundry cause she couldn't do the stairs that day, or always bring in the groceries cause she couldn't carry anything, or when we had to stop and sit on a bench in the mall because she couldn't stand any longer, I would roll my eyes and think " it can't be that bad just get up and do it!". I was a good kid but not perfect. I didn't always like being a little adult.

I have been overweight since the age of 4, and obese since I was 13 and morbidly obese since I was 20 I have been carrying all that extra weight on my joints. My knees hurt especially when I am up and down off the floor all day long, and my right hip is starting to ache pretty regularly now. I am not to the point where I am taking pain killers yet, I am just dealing with it. But it has given me a small glimpse of what She has delt with every day and how it hasn't kept her down. It makes me admire her even more.

Just one more reason to shed the extra weight. I am my mothers daughter, and I have seen what the future holds, I just don't wan't to spend it in pain.