Slippin

While I have been throwing up my hands in the air and saying "why, am I not losing" when I darn well know why I am not losing weight.It's Me. I haven't been logging my food all, I have been treating rice cakes and peanut butter as a meal and then a snack, and then a meal again. And cookies have slipped back from a sometimes food to a daily deal (sorry cookie monster but when I was a kid that was not your slogan!), my water consumption has gone way down, to pretty much just when I am at the gym. I have been hitting the gym but swimming sessions have been missed as I lost motivation to go in direct relation to the cold weather. And my blogging has gone way down even though I really should be doing blog therapy through this tough time.

So what in the world has gotten in to me?

I mean I want to lose weight, desperately. So whyhave I let myself slip, and lost some effort and commitment. I think that this is a very very complicated answer.

I probably did hit a plateau, but instead of busting through it, or doubling my effort I started slacking, first it wasn't logging my food one day, then the next and then a whole week. And then suddenly I started eating like it was going out of style. I mean I started looking for something else to eat before I had finished what I was chewing. And I kept rationalizing it, however I could.

I also think there is a deeper reason, I think I am afraid. I want to be under 300 lbs, but I don't think I have been under that weight for about 10 years. I have come close and each time I come close I begin to put the weight back on, I think I may be afraid and self sabotaging.

I know Obesity, I have always been obese/overweight, my family is all overweight/obese, I guess as much as I want to change I have this wall of safety of what I know that I am trying to break through.

I am up 3 lbs this week, up to 325. I will not make by under 300 by my birthday (which is next week). But I will do it.


I know what I have to do, I just need to do it.

Why in the world would you wear such Baggy clothes??

Yes this is an actual comment I received Friday night. It was preceded by hey are you thinner? and when I said that yes I had lost some weight I got that somewhat backhanded remark. On one hand I am glad that my weight loss is beginning to be noticeable, but on the other, I am still not ready to deal with any sort of discussion on this matter. It is still one of my highly personal issues. And while the clothes comment was not meant to be mean it also came from someone who probably spends more money on clothing in a month, then I do in several years. And not only that I was wearing a work uniform, not exactly Au couture. So their perspective is a bit different. But I do try to maximize the use I get out of clothing, but even I will admit that it is clearly the time for me to retire that particular set of scrubs, and probably some others as well.

Second comment I got was " your swimming in that". And then the questions started, why, how long, how much, what are you eating, have you always been heavy, you should do this, you should eat that, my friend lost X amount on X program....... all polite conversation, and with concern. And as I continue I know I will need to prepare to answer these questions because the more people around me notice, the more they want to know about it.

continuing to crawl....

out of the 320's. I am down to 322 as of the weigh in tonight. That is 57 lbs down. I think it is fair to say I will not be making it out of the 300's by April. So what? that was a self imposed deadline. I think the teacher will give me an extension. :)

Some things you just don't need to see.....

I hate the entire wall, floor to ceiling mirror that the Gym or excuse me "fitness center" has positioned right in front of the cardio machines. So as I am huffing and puffing I get to stare at myself and see exactly what my body looks like when moving. It is already hard enough to get up the courage to go into the gym when you are morbidly obese, and get on the machines next to the very pretty skinny young 19 year old who has never had a weight problem in her life, but what has always helped is for me to stop thinking what I look like, think to myself "screw em" and just get down to business. That is hard to do when you get watch your thighs rubbing together in real time.

Now this isn't my regular gym, it is one of the ones that happen to be on my way home from work, so I thought I would pop in and give it a try, since I have access to all the ones in this particular chain in the province. Now I can understand having the mirror near the weights, where people may need to check their form, make sure they are positioned right etc. But in front of the cardio machines. Come on!

Silence

I have been pretty quiet on here for the last few weeks, I just haven't had anything to share. Or at least I thought I didn't have anything to share. No new goals have been met, I have been continuing to struggle to get out of the 320's, I have been up and down, up and down the same 5 lbs for 5 weeks now. And somehow instead of realizing that I have some stuff that needs to be addressed and worked out, and have been just shrugging my shoulders thinking, "now why is the weight just not coming off?" Gosh I wonder why.

I haven't logged my food for 5 weeks now.
I have been shoveling food in my mouth randomly like it is going out of style.
Peanut butter while very delicious is not calorie free (sadly)


And there is just some of my many sins.

Some of it is emotional eating, I have been very stressed at work the last 6 weeks or so (some could argue the last 6 months). And then rather suddenly out of the blue some feelings regarding an issue in my life came out to bite me in the butt, stuff I thought I had finally let go (guess again!!!). So emotionally I have been a bit ragged.

Then there is the fatigue of weight loss, you put all this time, energy, thought and effort in for months at a time and suddenly you are just so tired of it all, even though you are starting to see results.

I am also realizing that I get to this point every time, I lose 50 lbs and then I start to put it back on again, and I am really really trying hard not to let that happen. I have come so far.......but there is still so far to go.

But instead of facing all of this and maybe trying to work it out by writing, I have been silent. And for me that is never good.

Back down to 323 56 lbs down.