Weigh in - take that scale!

Down 3.4 lbs,

I am 0.6 lbs away from losing 40 lbs.

I would have loved to round the number down, to be able to label this post 40 lbs gone, but I haven't earned it, yet.

I did however say goodbye to the 340's, good riddance to bad rubbish.

The buffet, wasn't so bad, I didn't eat as much as I did in the old days, however I still ate too much. I only just went over my daily caloric intake today so overall not so bad.

Thank God it`s Tuesday

I worked this Saturday (an especially crappy work day to, boy when it gets bad, it gets horrid!) So I missed swimming and Sunday I was basically recovering from Saturday even though my dog and I went for a hour long walk. Monday was especially hectic not only at work but after having to perform my civic duty and rush to the voting station to put my ballot in for the municipal election. So I hadn`t been in the pool since last Thursday. I have to say that it was the best 45 mins I have had all week. My hip was bothering me all day at work, lower back too, but as soon as I slipped into the water that pain eased up. I did my laps with no problem. It felt really good to be weightless, and to just concentrate on swimming. I was almost sad to get out of the water, and unfortunately the hip pain returned. I may have to finally suck it up and go to the Doctors and get it checked out, but I think as I lose weight it will improve. It could just be a pinched nerve.

Tomorrow, I enter where no weight loss blogger should go.....the buffet. It`s mums B-day and that is where she has chosen to go instead of us cooking a big dinner mid week. I am not going to deny myself anything, but I am not going to stuff myself either. I will have a bit of this and that, and enjoy it. I no longer want to associate food with feelings of guilt. I chose to eat it, I will not feel bad about it.

Tomorrow is also weigh in day.....Hoping for a two pound loss, I think i have worked it off.

Butternut squash soup

I am trying to cook more, as well as learn some new recipes. Tonight I made butternut squash soup. I love squash and am looking for more ways to incorporate it more in to my diet.

anyways I took
1 butternut squash
1 onion
2 apples
1 box of Campbell's vegetable stock
garlic
a pinch of nutmeg

threw it in a pot and simmered it for roughly 45 min till the squash was soft and then blended it to a smooth consistency (got to put my new immersion blender to use).

only 44 cals a serving 1/2 cup

very filling, and it was pretty yummy. I now have lots to freeze for a quick meal option.

I walk a lonely road

Sometimes I feel very lonely. I don't mind being alone, or by myself but it seems to be a lot. I exercise alone, either swimming or walking. I only have a few close friends that I don't get to see a lot as life seems to get in the way. We are all at different points in our lives They are either married and having children, or getting married while I remain single.

They also don't have a major weight problem like I have so I don't really know how much they would relate to it. Especially when it is such a big part of my life. I have a very small family, and I sometimes feel the panic when I think of losing one of them, not only because I love them and would miss them, but just how much smaller my family would become.

Now some of this is my own fault. I am shy, and self conscious about my weight, and well self esteem and I have never been on good terms. I am sure some people would never guess I am shy but I just put on a brave front in that regard. Acting. I am not involved in any activities where I could get to know more people, and I work long hours and am a homebody when I am home. I am also the independent type, even when I have a task to do at work I usually try to figure out a way to perform it myself before asking for assistance. I've never really made friends easily. (ha I guess that could just be my personality.)

So yes I am alone a lot of the time, but I am also alone on this weight loss journey. My family is overweight from moderate to markedly. But right now I am the only one seriously doing something about it. So it is up to me to "get er done" of course it has always had to been me, no one else can do this for me.

I do belong to a weight loss support group, but once again the person closest to my age in the group is my mother. All of the ladies are older, different activity levels, different abilities, different weight categories. I think that is one of the reasons I like reading blogs so much, not just for inspiration but I can find someone who is in a similar situation to mine, who have experienced what it is like to live your life at 379 lbs and try to change that.

So this is my journey, my road and I am the only one on it. However there is a similar road with a similar traveler in the next county. I guess I am not totally alone.

My New swimsuit

Well I received my new swimsuits a few weeks ago, and of course the minute I got them I had to try them on! I got a black one in a size 26 (the biggest they sold) and a flower print one in a size 24 because apparently I was feeling very optimistic. Well anyways the flower print (besides being dead ugly in person) doesn't fit so it has been regulated to the bottom drawer for awhile until it does.

The black is a one piece with a key hole back and a very high neck. It is a crinkle fabric and it is very sturdy construction, it has been great to swim in since it feels like all my jiggly bits especially the Buddha belly is being held in. I also like that when I swim I am not worried about my straps riding down and exposing anything. There isn't any skirt or anything so my legs show, but hey a skirt when swimming is just a big drag anyways.

yesterday in the showers, I could see a fuzzy reflection of myself and realized I look like a giant black pear with legs. So much for the days of the cute blue whale.

Weigh in

Down 1 lb. Total of 36 lbs down.

I am feeling pretty good these days. Really enjoying the outdoors while I still can before the weather turns sour, and hitting the pool regularly. My clothes are fitting looser now but not too bad yet.

I had my first comment. The lady at the desk of the rec center saw me come in on Saturday and she said "ahh you've lost weight!" I just said thank you. I think she remembers me cause her first day working there was the day I came in and bought my yearly pass. I don't really see any difference yet when I look at myself in the mirror, 36 lbs is just a start when you need to lose 199 (wow, my god 199 lbs #%&*).

movie popcorn

I should have said no, but I didn't.
I should have stopped after a few handfuls, but I didn't.
I should feel bad, but I don't.


So yes I consumed a lot of calories and fat, but in the end didn't go over my daily budget, what I am really concerned about was all that sodium. I am probably going to wake up tomorrow all swollen on my weigh in day and then I will probably be cursing the indulgence when I step on the scale. Hey I guess if you do the crime, you gotta do the time.

Man am I thirsty right now.

Being Discreet

I keep mentioning being discreet about logging my food, and I figured I would explain that. I mentioned compartmentalizing my life in a previous post, how I don't talk about weight loss to certain people. How even though I have a blog that I write all this down in I don't talk about these issues with people I know, save a few. I don't like questions to be asked that may lead to a discussion about my obesity. I am really private about that stuff. I also think that is partly due to a fear of failure. If no one knows I am trying then they don't know when I have failed.

My mom is not like that, when she is on a weight loss kick, she will tell anyone and everyone about how many days she has eaten salads, how far she has walked, how much she has lost. She is proud of herself, and she is also the type to self promote and feels more comfortable in the limelight and attention. I don't even like to mention if I made the honor roll or got a raise, I guess I let my mom do my bragging for me and since she is my mom she loves to brag (don't all mums?).

But It does drive me a little crazy when she tells people about what she is doing to lose weight, especially when I am sitting right there. I always think that whoever she is talking to is thinking; "Hey what about your daughter, look at her, is she doing anything to lose all that weight?" Okay maybe they are not, but it is how I feel.

Swim tonight

I did 1000 m in 35 min, I ended up doing 1300 m all together. I had to recount cause I didn't believe it at first. I thought I must have missed a set, but nope I was right! I really need to learn some technique, I really don't know what I am doing, I'm not swimming, I am actively not drowning. I don't really think I am to the point where I could go to masters, cause I don't really understand what it is all about, plus all those really fit swimmers are kind of intimidating, and I don't need to take beginners swimming lessons since I can swim pretty well. I guess I will just continue on my own until I feel more confident about joining a class.

Weigh in

Down another 2 lbs. Take that thanksgiving! Down to 344, if I keep up this pattern, I can hopefully say goodbye to the 340's in a few weeks.

Weigh in Jitters

I am a bit nervous for the weigh in, I attended 2 thanksgiving dinners this weekend, and while I had a bit of everything, I didn't pack it away like I usually do I still feel like maybe it was too much, that I didn't try hard enough. I have that feeling a lot lately, that I am just not doing enough, not pushing myself hard enough, and that is why the weight is coming off so slow. I guess we will see if the swimming and the 2 hr walk on the weekend counteracted the turkey dinner.

I Give thanks......

For the beautiful 21 0C day after two weeks of gloomy weather that allowed me be outside today

For the city I live in, and all it's neat trails and facilities that allow me to get active for cheap

For my Country, I am free, I have rights, I have freedom of expression, I have Health Care!

For my Job, when so many others are without one

For my dog, who is my constant companion, and walking buddy

For my friends, the few yet brave! Those who I can vent to and be silly with.

For my Gran who I can so easily make proud with the simplest of tasks.

For my Mom, who's love and support I have never been in doubt of and I know I will always have.

For the past, it has made me what I am today

For the present which I live working on myself

For the future, and the person I hope to become.


For so many things I just can't name because we all take them for granted everyday

What size to buy?

I am due to purchase some new uniforms for work, I get 2 new sets each year. The only problem is I am not sure if I should purchase 4X or 3 X. All the size charts say I should purchase a 4 X but all my current uniforms are getting a bit loose, the tops practically indecent (I guess I'm bottom heavy.) If I purchase two new uniforms at 4 X and in a couple of months I am swimming in them then I would have purchase new ones at my own cost. On the other hand if I purchase the 3 X size then they probably wouldn't fit for awhile, and what if I go off the wagon yet again and never get down to that size? Since I have a habit of that. I could always have the 4 x uniforms taken in, if necessary. Of course its also because I want to say, hey I am in a 3 x now, even though I'm not really. Oh and there are some really cute sets, that aren't available in 4 x.

So what should I do?

P.S. these are also being purchased Online, Since there is a lack of selection of plus size scrub set locally.

Compartmentalizing my life

There is this section of my life, a very large section (ha ha) I will label Weight. It contains lots of stuff in it such as weight loss, obesity, exercise, clothing size, holey jeans, why I'm fat, why I'm still fat, calorie counters, nutrition etc etc. Basically everything and anything to do with weight loss. And I do not share this section with everyone. I compartmentalize what I discuss with whom. It is kinda weird. I mean I share some of it with family members, and the ladies at my weight loss support group, and my best friend knows some but not all. And believe me when I say I would basically have to have me at gun point for me to utter my exact weight or how many pounds I need too lose and yet here I announce it to the world, must be the semianonymity.

However I do not share any of it with the girls at work. I work in a small work environment, and the ladies at work and I talk about just everything from family to money, politics, religion, our pet peeves, what is currently pissing us off. I mean we probably spend more time with each other then our families. And several of my co-workers I consider close friends.

I know my co-workers aren't idiots. They know I have a weight problem, but I think they respect that I do not wish to discuss it. Only once, when I had worked there for a bout a year did my supervisor try to broach the subject, I cut her off and told her I wouldn't talk about it and when she persisted I walked away and ended up crying quietly in the bathroom because I just can't discuss my weight in my workplace, my job is stressful enough and I do not need to deal with the emotional turmoil that my weight causes me. I can't deal with it there.

So at work I do not join in any conversation that my remotely end up in a topic related to obesity. If the girls mention they need to lose 5 lbs, or they are trying this new diet, I don't reciprocate. I never mention where I go Wednesday nights (to WL support group) or while I will mention going swimming once in awhile I don't think they equate it to me exercising.

I am a bit worried that as I continue to lose weight and it becomes more noticeable that it will suddenly be open season on the topic, and how will I deal with that. I am not sure I am ready to deal with unsolicited advice and comments good or bad. But I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

Weigh in Wednesday

346, down 2 lbs. Coming off slowly but surely. Now down a total of 33 lbs.

My poor sad swim suit part 2

It's hard to believe that it was way back in May 09 that I wrote about my poor sad swim suit, and how it desperately needed replacing. I did buy a new suit in April when I was away for the weekend and forgot to bring it. It was a cute swim dress type suit purchased from a plus size retailer, and it lasted me till June. It quickly fell apart and was unsuitable to actually swim in. Which totally leads me to believe that the designers of the suit don't believe that someone needing a size 30 swim suit would actually be swimming in it, rather then just floating. The skirt stretched out so badly I felt like I was swimming in a dress from little house on the prairie. So I went back to my blue suit, now even more beat up then before with it's sewed up straps and requiring a shoelace to tie the back up to make sure I stay decent. But the blue suits days are numbered.

By the way do you know what a pain in the behind it is to shop for a plus size swimsuit in October! After quite a few hours surfing some websites and finally finding one that will ship to Canada ( why it is such a big deal to ship from the states, I don't understand, we are on the same continent for goodness sakes.) I purchased two suits. One is a size 26 and one is a size 24. I hope they fit, or at least I hope they fit by the time my blue suit bites the dust. They should be arriving soon. In fact I am currently waiting for fed ex to arrive and deliver them. I can't help but be excited who doesn't like to get new things.

Cute blue whale

I just felt the need to share this cute little blue whale. If I needed a symbol of myself swimming, this would be it. Now I am not being hard on myself, with the symbol being a whale and all, I just love this cute little guy (who happens to be a scrapbook embellishment) who is happy just splashing around.

Besides all the fat layers, and the enjoyment of water, we also have similar colouring






no wonder I feel a bond with my cute little blue whale. :)

Holey Jeans

Dammit now the patches need patches! I did buy a new pair as my going out pair of jeans and my patchy jeans continue as my around the house, dog walking, grocery shopping jeans basically anywhere I don't really care if someone sees the edge of the patch, because they are already probably thinking about "my god how could you let your self get so fat!" So I don't really care what they think anyways. And since all of the wear is only in the thigh area I refuse to thorw them out, since being thrifty is really in these days.

The good news is that after losing 31 lbs now when I wear my jeans, they don't restrict my breathing or leave a red indent around my waist. I may have been wearing size 28 jeans but in reality I was probably a size 30.

.

Pot luck early thanksgiving meal

I'm Canadian so my thanksgiving meal was only a week early! I was out at a pot luck party last night and I have to say I am pretty proud of myself. I had a little bit of everything but no massive quantities, and I didn't deny myself anything including that piece of pumpkin pie. Ummmm the food was so good, but I kept track of what went in my mouth, discreetly again thank you ipod. And I came under my caloric budget which is pretty awesome, if you add my swim yesterday afternoon I really had a great day. And it was also a card game and I won my money back! So overall an awesome day.

I *heart* my ipod touch!

I wanted an i pod touch. I wanted one really really really badly, but I told myself no. You don't need that, you can live without it, you should use that money to pay off more debt.
damn practical Erin, can't get anything past her.

Then since I was visiting the website all the time eyeing it, getting to know all about, basically drooling over it I started looking around at the apps, and low and behold.....

weight loss, there's an app for that.

okay way more then one. There are several apps for fitness, calorie counting, tons of stuff.

I finally had a way to get past practical Erin, I needed an i pod touch, for my health! (snickers evilly)

Oh sure I could still do a paper accounting of my food intake, or even an online one on spark people, but it wasn't right there with me, and not very discrete to be carrying around with you. But no one questions you playing with your i pod. So I gleefully broke down and ordered one from Apple (to appease practical Erin, I bought a refurbished one at a lower price). And then I painfully waited until I had it in my hot little hands!

So anyways I have had my i pod touch for a little over two weeks now, and it is my constant companion. I LOVE it! I downloaded a bunch of free apps, and have been playing around with them. I especially love the one I use for logging my food and exercise. It is simple, and when I am contemplating whether or not I am going to put something in my mouth, I can whip out my handy dandy device and check on how many calories I can still consume today in my caloric budget.

I am pretty sure that is what helped me lose 6 lbs in the last 2 weeks and get over my long WL pause of August and September. It definitely helped plump up my enthusiasm and energy for this whole process. And I totally love all the other applications and a few games I have downloaded.