Skipped swimming

This is the first time I skipped a swim not because of a function etc, but just because I am just too damn tired. I am also sure that the other other pool patrons will be pleased that I am not contaminating the pool with all my cold germs. So far this cold is beating the heck out of me, and it really isn't all that bad. No coughing, just a runny nose and extreme tiredness and muscle aches.
I made it to work the last 2 days, but only because I don't get sick days. So now I won't be able to go swimming till Thursday, that is a whole week without a swim. I am almost a bit afraid that this is the beginning of that slippery slope where my commitment begins to wane, and suddenly I am too "tired" or "busy" or I'll go later and then I have gained 47 lbs back.

It's just a cold, I should be over it soon, and I WILL go swimming on Thursday, and I will continue on track even if tomorrows weigh in shows my lack of work outs this week.

Sick and tired

That was my weekend. I was really tired then on Sunday while I was out shopping I started to feel really weak, almost shaky. I think it is only a cold but I feel really awful right now, and to top it off I didn't get any exercise the last 2 days. I am just going to relax on the couch under a blanket for awhile then hit the sack and try to feel better.

They Fit!

My new uniforms came in. And much to my excitement the 3Xs fit! I could hardly believe it. The pants are a bit snug but the tops are a decent fit. Since I carry a lot of weight around my hips and stomach I always end up with the tops being too loose at the shoulders but too tight at the hips, which is somewhat what the tops are like, but they are "unisex" design, and I guess men tend to be bigger in the shoulders.

When I ordered them I debated on what size to buy. I was worried that is I bought them too small and wouldn't be able to get into them for a long time, or never be able to get into them and have wasted that money. I was pretty excited that they fit.

I will still be wearing my 4 X uniforms until they are just too big to wear. Depending on what kind of state they are in I may have them taken in rather then just toss them.

Writting in batches

I find that I tend to write posts in batches, instead of sitting down and regularly writting something say once a day I tend to sit down and write 3 or 4 posts on what ever I am thinking and just schedule them for later, or just let them sit in the drafts section until I feel like I am ready to post. Which is kind of funny since I might write about feeling some way but might feel totally different once it gets posted. I have about 10 sitting as drafts because I either started something but it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to, I had a thought to jot down and I will go back and finish it later, or it just turned out too personal and I am just not ready to share it yet.

The whole point of a blog is to share your experience with others, get some feedback, some support maybe work out some issues. But it would seem that by posting about something that happened a week ago I should not be getting the benifit. But actually I am, because just the act of writting my problems down help me feel better about them. I have always been like that. I am an avid journaler (is that a word?) I have been writting in personal journal (offline in an actual book! how retro is that) since I was 10. (I actually lost my first journal in a move many years ago, do you know how much I wish I could have that back! To see what 10 year old me was thinking?) and I can't explain how much that has helped me over the years, plus it is a real hoot sometimes to read it 5 or 10 years later. My handwritting is rather hard for even me to decipher and it wasn't any better then.

Weight loss, the desire to lose, the hurt feelings, the lack of self esteem or some aspect of that problem is probably included in every entry in my journals, it is such a big part of my life but I have noticed that the more entries I write on this blog, the more successful I am at losing weight. That hasn't always happened when I write in a journal.

One pound at a time

This is a pretty common theme among other Weight loss bloggers and websites. I googled the topic and got a lot of hits. My weekly goal for weight loss is 2 lbs a week, but mentally I am just working on one pound at a time. 199 lbs *or more* is a huge number but one pound is do-able. Of course I have to do that one pound, 199 times, but I think I can put that thought away and stick in on a shelf somewhere for now.

Now that I have had some success and am reaching milestones I find myself looking ahead past the next pound to the next 100, and I have to put the breaks on that! I know myself. I will get all excited and start calculating how many weeks before I reach goal, and chart what weight I should lose each week, and when I start to slip and am not meeting these numbers I will start to get discouraged. I have totally done this before. So now that I have lost 47 lbs my brain is trying to whip ahead and say "hey that wasn't so hard, in a few more months you can be to goal" I found myself doing that tonight, trying to figure out when I will be under 300 lbs. But you just can't plan for that! Life happens and then Ice cream happens. I am forcing myself to live in the now, and only looking to get rid of that next pound. I just can't handle more.

Weigh in Wednesday

332! Down 3 lbs. I have only 3 more pounds to go until I have lost 50!

Angry much?

Either I am becoming a major Bitch, am PMS'ing constantly, or am just becoming completely intolerant of everything and everyone. Needless to say lately I seem to have developed a bit of a temper. Now historically yes I get pissed off on a fairly regular basis, but usual I stew about it, get quiet and when in private scream and yell. Lately however I have going from a perfectly happy mood to a 10 on the angry scale in an instant, almost no transition period. Good bye periods of mild annoyance, and Hello rip your opponents head off and play dodge ball with it.

It's like the terrible twos all over again, (if I remembered what the terrible twos were like).

There was a lot of huffing and puffing, and threatening to blow the house down, so to speak. Okay really there was swearing and stomping and smacking of a wall.

I don't really like being that person. Is it just the real me coming out, now that I don't have food to hide behind? Is it a build up of job (getting worse and worse) and life (never ending) stress and really I just need a vacation (haven't had one of those since 2006). Well whatever it is I hope it passes or I work through it, and until then my god have mercy on anybody who crosses my hot tempered path.

My weekend

I had a very busy weekend, that included a 500 km drive , a college reunion and a surprise party. So needless to say I did not get any exercise in. I did have 2 large meals, However stayed within my calorie budget Yeah! I did indulge in some sweets, but once again it did not send me over my limit (close but not over). Chances are I will probably stay the same or gain this week (hopefully not) but I enjoyed myself. I am looking forward to getting back into my routine this week.

Correction: Jillian Michaels Kicked my Quads

I can't tell you just how sore my leg muscles are. I see many more squats in my future, to try to fix this weakness. Going down stairs were a whole new level of torture, so was getting down to the floor and sitting in a chair was also ill advised. Strangely enough going up stairs and getting up off the floor were not really a problem.
Abs (if such a thing exists on my body) also rather sore.

I never expected a quick 20 min workout would have me begging for mercy.

Jillian Michaels Kicked my ass

Because of a busy day and time constraints, I knew I would not be able to hit the pool but I still wanted to get some exercise in, something to help keep my calories in check this week since I will be eating out at least 3 times, maybe 4! So I cracked open the 30 day shred and grabbed out my mat and runners and gave it a shot. Wow. It really opened my eyes. Now I know I am severely obese, and yeah I can't do a lot of things but I thought with all the swimming, and walking, and the physical aspects of my job that I had some endurance. Well I don't! 30 seconds of jumping jacks just about killed me. Eventually I ended up just jumping up and down moving my legs while using my arms to stop the up and down of my abdominal fat. And even though during the video she expressly said not to, I was forced to take a few seconds break here and there. I also was unable to do some of the movements, I just can't make my body move like that yet. I am sure this will all come in time, the endurance, the ease of movement, but it is going to take a long long time and lots of hard work. 20 mins was sure a work out, and I hurt!

I think that just that work out alone makes me realize I never want to be on the BL. Man if that continued on for hours and hours. No wonder those people are screaming and crying! I would much rather do this slowly at my own pace.

I may not actually do this every day.....yet. I need to work my way up to it. But I will do it!

Weigh in

Down another 2 lbs. yeah! That gives me a total of 44 lbs gone.

I have noticed I have been fairly consistant with my numbers, approx 2 lbs per week. I am greedy and want more of course but I am really happy that I am continuing to lose.

I am still feeling alot of anxiety about the upcoming holiday season. This week I have 2 dinners and 1 party to attend and I will be missing 2 of my regular workout times, so I need to fit some exercise in somewhere. I also need to fit in the grocery shopping, shoe shopping, laundry and grocery shopping in there and somehow work as well.

I had to haul around some really heavy stuff at work today and clean around them, alot of bending down and now my hip is really killing me. However the laundry area has never been so clean or so organized.

1500 m

That is what I swam tonight in 50 mins. A new distance for me. I am slowly building up my endurance in the pool. It really feels like I accomplished something. Now I need to work on speed.

With the weather getting cooler there is a lot fewer people coming out for the late swim. In fact I was alone in the pool for the first 20 mins which by the way is kind of creepy when the 2 lifeguards are only watching you swim. At least I was very safe. I am probably only going to get to the pool once this week, unless there is an earlier swim on Thursday, I have been so busy the last few days and the upcoming week I have hardly had time to sleep much less focus on exercise. All part of the danger zone of November and December. I am determined to make it through to January with a loss of 50 lbs total for the year. Which means I have 8 more lbs to lose in 41 days. Guess I got to fit in more 1500 m swims.

Granny's scale

There has always been a scale in the bathroom of my grandmothers house.

It only weighs to 280 lbs.

Growing up I used to think at least I didn't weigh that! As long as I was no where near that line I was okay. I wasn't that fat.

Then I started getting near that line.

I stopped stepping on the scale at grandmas.

Denial is not just a river in Africa.

Weigh in Wednesday

Down 1.8 lbs, 337! total of 42 lbs lost. This week except for having to work on Saturday and therefore missing my swim is pretty clear of any events or temptations, so I will aim for a three pounds.

Cut the cord, the cable cord that is

I have been completely without cable for 2 1/2 months now. And I have to say, I love it. Now I still love to watch television programs but I am pretty much streaming them all online now. Most of the TV stations have websites where they stream their shows anyways, I may have to wait a few days until they are posted but I can handle that. I am really enjoying not having to be tethered at home during a certain time. I used to never leave the house Thursday nights from 9 pm on, the whole Greys Anatomy then ER combo, in fact people dared not phone me during that time (if they did it was a very unresponsive conversation; "uh huh, yeah, okay see you then" sort of thing). Now I head to the pool that night and watch Grey's on the weekend. Actually almost all my TV catching up is now done on the weekends freeing my weekday evenings up for other activities.

It also has really reduced my channel surfing habit, where I ended up just watching whatever was on or re watching something I have already seen ten times. My programme watching is much more focused now. The only thing I am worried about is how much bandwidth I am using these days. I will really have to check that out.

Overall I am probably watching less TV now. I have replaced that time with more physical activities but not all, still working on it, and the big bad Internet pulls me in a lot.

40 lbs gone pics

339 lbs November 5 2010





372 lbs from feb 09

Well I can't say that I see any difference here, but I know with being so morbidly obese you have to lose alot of weight before you get to see results. Anyways the clothes are looser.

Weigh in Wednesday

338.8 lets just say 339, I much prefer round numbers and drum roll please ..............40 lbs down!

So I lost an little bit this week to get me to the 40 lb mark and that reflects not only the party I attended Saturday night but the Halloween candy I indulged in (which by the was was a whole 4 items, that is way way better then any other year). However Halloween did make me think quite a bit about Christmas and knowing the food disaster that that brings, starting approx mid to late Nov and continuing to Jan.

I live in fear of the food gifts coming into work from clients, and there is no place to escape or hide the items because we are such a small workplace the staff room is also the kitchen, lab, office, storage room......etc. I need to lay some ground rules for myself and maybe a plan for Nov and Dec.

Not doing enough

Sometimes I think to myself (usually after watching the Biggest Loser) That I am not doing enough to reach my goals. I mean I am losing 1 to 2 lbs per week which is pretty darn good, but I could be doing more. Working harder, eating less, losing more. I swim about three times a week and walk for half an hour or longer twice a week, so there is five days where I have some physical activity outside of breathing! I don't know if I am ready for more. I am not financial able to join a gym at this time. I also work long days, I know excuses excuses. I think a point will come where I will have to start doing more to continue losing, but I am not there yet.

Other things holding me back are of course plain old embarrassment (considering I appear in public in a bathing suit on a regular basis that is a laugh) but there is something about exercising where others can see you that makes you completely paranoid that they are thinking all sorts of fat jokes in there minds, or heck taking a photo of you to post on their "fat people exercising" website that gets 50 000 hits a day. Yes this sounds completely bonkers but I am sure it probably exists somewhere out there in cyber space, after I found people of walmart website, I now never go into that store without a checking out my appearance, their favorite post is of overweight people poorly dressed out shopping.

Anyways back to the subject, this all probably steaming from all those feelings of failure etc, that somehow I am not good enough to deserve to lose weight, that I won't make it happen, yada yada yada..... so even though I sometimes feel like I am not doing enough I really don't want it to take over my life. I want eating and physical activity to be part of my life, not be my life.

So when these thoughts enter my head, yes I can probably always increase my effort, but I am going in the right direction, and unless I want to quit my job, not see my friends and family for months, check into a ranch where I have personal trainers and my entire daily purpose is to exercise then well I guess I am doing all right for myself.