Hey future thin person! This is Day 13 calling

Hey! So it should be November 19th '09, and I am writing this on May 19th '09. I am seriously hoping that you have been keeping the weight loss going, cause seriously I can't take too much more failure. Right now I am so unsure of everything, each day is a struggle to stay on track. It is all new, nothing is a habit yet, the "healthy lifestyle" is really just you typing on the blog each night to no one, trying to keep your self in a positive frame of mind. You still have 184.5 lbs to lose.

So enough whining

Here is where I hope you are:

I hope you had a great summer with lots of walking, swimming, fun with friends and not being to hard on yourself.

I hope you have lost 48lbs since now, if you have lost more Great! if not, keep on trucking. Keep on trying.

I hope you are in a size 26 or a 3 X


Be Careful! December is your worst month, you always try to behave, but all those treats the clients bring in each Christmas always get you.

Let them eat cake

"Let them eat cake"

At least I am pretty sure I won't be led to the guillotine for that remark.

For each employees birthday our Boss buys a cake. It is one of the few (only) outside your pay perks my boss does (we do not have an Christmas party or bonus, and if you are ever sick you don't get paid for it). I have learned to only get sick on my days off.

So anyways I had an itty bitty bit of the cake. I thought about not indulging, but I decided that if I wanted that piece of cake I was bloody well going to have it. I can not go through the rest of my life not having sweets or avoiding functions because food I "can't" have is there. I know it won't work, I will fall off the wagon and relapse so bad it will be like trying to decontaminate Chernobyl to get back on track.

So I consciously decided that I would have a piece. Now it was just a crappy grocery store cake so it's not like gourmet, it could have been better. But the point is that it was only ONE PIECE and it was a small one.

And I don't feel guilty.

Maybe I can stop emoting my food.

So let me eat cake

or off with my head!

Day 50

1975 cal, 40.5 g of fat

Day 49

2047 cal, 36 fat

Day 48 and weigh in #7

I have no idea how much I ate today

or yesturday...

but I am sure it was under 2000 cal (I hope)!

Seriously having issues having the energy to sit at the computer. I just have not felt like checking out any of my regular online haunts. I am not sure if the heat is getting to me or if other things are in the works. But I wanted to make sure I posted today my happy news.

Another 4 lbs down!

I was so sure I gained. But was so happy when the numbers were favorable. In seven weeks I have lost 24 lbs!

Now I just have to keep at it....

And get my energy up....

And keep blogging....

And get more excersice in....

And get some housecleaning in.....

And finalize those plans for world domination....

So much to do, so little time!

Day 45, 46, 47,

Day 45- 1813 cal, 30.2 g of fat

Day 46- 1815 cal, 52.5 g of fat

Day 47- 1835 cal, 38.6 g of fat

I didn't mean to keep putting off posting all weekend, I just couldn't convince myself to sit in front of the computer long enough to do anything of significance. Actually I can barley make myself finish now.

I am still so tired. I slept a lot this weekend, and hardly moved on Saturday. On Sunday I did another 6 km walk with my dog. and stocked up the cupboards for the following week. So the weekend wasn't a complete waste.

I think I may be forced to go the the doctor- shudders- and try to sort the tiredness out. Of course it could also be the 50 hour work weeks and the barely 6 hours of sleep a night.

Day 44 - broke the calorie bank

2545 cal, 45.2 g of fat

Well I pushed the calorie limit today, and it was on nothing! Nothing! I just overate way to much at dinner again.

But at least I was honest!

Day 43

cal 1678, 33.7 g of fat

The hunger portion of this journey is really starting to set in. I was great the first few weeks, but now I am ravenous if I am few minutes late for a meal. As soon as I hit the door coming in from work, I can't wait for dinner. I can't even seem to wait for the microwave. I am keeping all the snacking under 2000 calories but I would like to reduce it.

Day 42 and week and weigh in #6

1855 cal 24.8 g of fat

6.5 lbs down

finally a loss, after 2 weeks of not so great results. After all the crappy eating I did last week, I really didn't deserve it, but I am pretty darn glad.

Day 41

1975 cal, 31 g of fat

I am having a really hard time right now, I seem to be having a food intake issue, I can't seem to stop. It was the ice cream last week, then yesterday I made low fat brownies. Serious mistake part 2, what was I thinking making them. I just can't seem to stop! Will power, what will power?

Anger

Sometimes I feel like screaming in frustration, but also I want to scream in anger. Mostly anger at myself. How did I allow myself to get like this? I mean this is not a couple of extra pounds, this is a whole other person, an overweight one for that matter. How did I think that it was acceptable to live this way? I knew deep down I could not ignore it forever. Every time my knees creaked when I got up after doing a task at work. Or when my uniforms got tight, to the point where you know it is NOT going to be that easy finding the next size up. When no matter how far I sucked in my stomach there was no way I was going to fit through that turnstyle. I am angry at myself for all of these things.

There are people who give anything to walk, run and be out of a wheelchair, while I have this body that has all the right neural connections but because of the choices I have made I can not run. I can walk only so far, I spend parts of my day trying to figure out ways to make less trips up and down the stairs because my knees hurt.

I am angry for all the times that I gave in to the pain of the situation and hit the fridge, and begin to ignore the situation again so that I could just survive each day.

I am sick of just making it through each day, I want to enjoy each day. I am only 27 years old and I have been dealing with these issues my entire life. And I am sick of it.

I am angry at a Society that tells me that I have to be thin to be pretty, that I must be lazy, slovenly and disgusting because I am not a size six. My entire happiness is not wrapped up in a size, sure I want things to improve but I know that this is only one aspect of myself.

I am angry at the people who told me I would have such a pretty face, if only I would lose some weight. (oh please who hasn't gotten that one!)

I am angry that I didn't have a better example of healthy eating and lifestyle growing up. But at the same time I realize how hard this is and I realize that it was not possible to give me that example. (So maybe I am not that angry! to much love and understanding blurrs this one)

Oh yeah and I am pissed at all the issues that are helping keeping me fat.

Day 38, 39 and 40

a three for one post

It was a busy weekend. I worked all day Saturday and then went to a BBQ slash poker tournament all night. Then I was so exhausted on Sunday, I only managed to go on a 3 km walk in the morning and then lay on my bed for most of the day and only dragged myself out because I had no food in the house. It is really a bad idea to not have food in the house when you are trying to lose weight. You just end up making do with something easy and not so good for you.

But anyways

Day 38
1333 cal, 47.8 g fat

Day 39
1539 cal, 46.2 fat

Day 40
1245 cal, 24.5 fat

On a positive not I stayed away from all the chips at the party, even though they kept being passed in front of my face! I did have 3 chocolate covered pretzels which came to a whole 45 cal. So They were worth it, I love chocolate covered pretzels.

Day 37

1607 cal, 39 g of fat

regular old day except I had to work late and am exhausted. It also sucks that I have to work tomorrow since the other saturday girl needed to switch. Damn I wish I had the ability to say no! and not just to food. I am terrible at telling people no. I always feel so guilty.

Day 36

1450 cal, 25.6 g of fat

The last of the ice cream is gone, I am so relieved. I will not be buying that again, I obviously am not to a point where I can be trusted with it. 1.89 L of that ice cream was 1512 calories, and I ate the whole carton in 3 days! Yes it could have been worse. But I am still pretty disappointed with myself.

Day 35 & Weigh in #5

1865 cal, 39.3 g of fat

not the greatest day food wise. I was starving! this is the first week that I have been seriously hungry between meals. Had some unwise eating again this evening. I am going to have to work on that.

Weigh in

Stayed exactly the same. At least I didn't gain.

Day 34

2040 cal, 35.8 g of fat

So not proud of myself today

Breyers Fat free ice cream was on sale, so I bought some.

And of course I totally pigged out on it, then I had lots of honey combs.

Half my calorie count today was cereal and ice cream. So even though my count was decent, it wasn't very healthy.

So this is my first bad pig out since I started 34 days ago. I am sure one of many to come. It was so stupid, as I was eating the ice cream I kept thinking to myself "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS" and yet I kept going back to the freezer.

On the plus side I didn't eat the whole carton.

I also ate out for the first time today, at a hotel during a meeting. I didn't eat dessert there and I ate sensibly ( I was waiting to get home to eat like an idiot)

Tommorow is a new day

Tomorrow is also weigh in

AHHHHHHHH

Oh was I screaming outloud?

Day 33

1717 cal, 36.5 g of fat

I am getting lazy, I didn't hit the pool again, so it is now 4 days since I did any significant exercise (not counting the yard work which I am still sore from). I am seriously busy tomorrow, but I am going to try to go to the adult swim in the afternoon.

Day 32

1442 cal, 33.6 g of fat

I didn't go on a big walk today, but I did do 3 hours of yard work, with no breaks.

Last Sundays Walk

I Started near the white tents, there was lots of men in kilts and uniforms running around! Some kind of military presentation was going on. Bagpipes are interesting background music to walk to!

It was a beautiful day out but extremely windy, especially under the bridges

Almost to the end of the trail, 3 km later

Some little friends lurking on the side of the trail

Of course I was tempted to take the trolley back, but that would be cheating now wouldn't it?


6 km in 1 hr and 35 min

Day 31

1595 cal, 30.8 g of fat

No exercise today, unless you count work. I do work on my feet, move around a lot and I don't get to sit down. So 8 hours of work probably burned a few calories.

I am trying to plan what I am going to do tomorrow. If I go on another long walk like last weekend, I will probably have to deal with a sore right heel again for days. It just started to feel better. Also I am going to be doing several hours of weeding for my grandmother, I remember how sore I was the last time I did that. I guess I am going to have to see how I feel in the morning.

Day 30

1624 Cal, 36.4 g of fat

Happy 30 days to me! Seemed like longer! I sort of feel like I have been at this forever ( well overall I have been doing this off and on since I was five) and not just 30 days. I am still keeping positive, still going in the right direction and I have made it a full 30 days. If I was an alcoholic I would at least get a sobriety chip.

What I have accomplished in my first 30 days

1. changed despair into hope
2. wrote a blog entry every day, no matter how short. Some days I wrote 2 to make up for the short ones.
3. Logged everything I ate each day, and monitored calorie intake
4. started swimming again after a lengthy absence
   
5. I haven't disappeared yet from this blog
6. I lost 13 lbs

Here's to the next 30 days...


Side note of the day: There was doughnuts at work today, and I didn't eat one!


P.S. There will be a lot more patting myself on the back

Day 29

1646 cal 31.1 g of fat

Okay this is weird. I totally decided that I was going to try to eat more, and get my calorie count up around 2000 cal. But I can't! I just can't eat enough! I am full, so I don't want to push it. I mean how weird is that. I the never ending stomach is full. I mean I am eating full meals, having snacks, eating dessert, and it isn't adding up to what I thought it should.

Seriously weird.

Swam for 40 mins.

Day 28

1812 cal, 38.3 g of fat

I really have to work on not being tired. I think I know what the problem is, I just have to work on the solution. It was my day off today and I did really boring things like groceries and laundry. I guess you could say that I do not lead a very exciting life.

Weigh in #4

I gained 2 lbs.

And I am totally okay with it. I know I did everything I could to lose, I didn't cheat, was within calorie range everyday, I exercised. And It is coming up to that wonderful time of the month I become a fire breathing monster. So I figure my hormones are screwing with me. I will do better next week.

New weight 360

Day 27

1670.8 cal, 33.9 g of fat

Still so tired, can barely keep my eyes open, good think I can type with my eyes closed. I just check for typos later. I have tomorrow off so I can sleep in, and hopefully that will help a bit with the tiredness.

Day 26

1817.5 cal 39.5 g of fat

Very tired today, I almost didn't want to log my food, I just want to head to bed. My right heel is really sore after my 6 km walk yesterday and being on my feet all day today. So I have done my duty today, remained dedicated and honest, whew.... enough of that. Good night!

Day 25

2338 Cal, 36.4 g of fat

Today was a odd day, I was really hungry all afternoon. Especially after my 6 km walk. So I ate 2 extra servings of pasta at dinner, which ended up really boosting my calorie count.

I am built like a God, Unfortunetly it's Buddha

I have a Buddha belly, and thighs, etc etc. And most of the time I can ignore/live with it. However today I realized that gravity is a b*tch to a buddha belly. You don't realize how heavy it is until you jump up and down and damn that hurts! The bounce back made it feel like my abdomen was going to rip away from my torso! I need to get a support garment for it if I ever plan to get rid of it!

And the opposite happens in the pool, the damn thing floats!

One day my Buddha belly will be gone, and in its place I will have a bunch of extra skin and probably a poochy ugly belly, but you know what I'll freaking take it! No offense Buddha but I would rather be built like a Greek goddess!

Day 24

1236 cal, 35 g of fat

It was a pretty normal day, I got in about 35 mins of swimming this afternoon, and almost got a walk done but was stopped by a major thunderstorm. It was pretty crazy watching the dark clouds come over the Lake and the visible line of rain poring down. Hopefully It will be nice tomorrow.

Living one day at a time

It is all I can really do right now. I can't allow myself to think to next week or next month or next year. I can only focus on the present. I can really only focus on surviving THIS MOMENT, THIS DAY. I am just focusing on remaining in my calorie range, and getting what exercise I can in. And hopefully with enough of these good days all racked up together I will accomplish my overall goal. I guess it is also true that if I screw up one day tomorrow is always a new day. I have quit so many times before because I screwed up after 5 days, 15 days, 3 weeks and I felt bad or guilty or that I failed. So I just let the bad days pile up on one another until there didn't seem to be a point to trying to eat healthier. A self fulfilling prophecy of failure. So I think that if I can rack all my "One Days" to equal 9 weeks, then I might be able to handle a bad day now and again. I need to succeed for awhile.

P.S. This is why I am posting all these annoying little Day 1 posts to keep myself honest.

Day 23

1470 cal, 40.8 g of fat

I am so glad it is the weekend. I am aiming to go swimming on Saturday, and walking on Sunday if the weather holds up.

Day 22

1817 Cal, 37.7 g of fat

40 min of swimming

Yesterday I had the day off and I did some garden work for my grandmother. At the time it really didn't feel like all that much activity. However today I feel like I have been run over by a steam roller. I hurt every where especially around my rib cage and the back of my thighs. It just shows you how much of a work out you can get when you don't realize it.

Day 21

1485 cal, 59.6 g of fat

Wow I sure racked up the fat grams today, but I am actually not that concerned about the fat count as much I as used to be (years ago). I think going too low fat just makes you feel hungrier.

So I am excited about my weight loss, that gives me a total of 14.6 lbs in three weeks. Wow I have actually kept at this for three weeks now without falling off the wagon. I know I am still in the Honeymoon phase, the hard work is just starting, but the small success encourages me to keep going.

My mom has reached a bit of a plateau right now, she was having histrionics over the fact she weight 5 lbs heavier in the evening then in the morning. I was finding it hard to talk her down from her anger. I know in a few weeks my body will slam on the breaks as well, and say "WTF feed me" too and I will also get upset, but I don't tend to shout it to the world. But I tend to be overall more laid back emotionally then my mom. I think she is just expecting too much from herself right now. She has done awesome, she is just seriously impatient.

Here is a Happy Elephant to share how I feel today!

Weigh in #3

I lost 4 lbs! I now weigh 358.6 lbs.

Day 20

1285 cal, 29.2 g of fat

30 min walk

Things are still looking up, lets hope the scale numbers are looking down. Weigh in tomorrow, I hope I get to say good bye to the 360's, (man if my lbs were degrees I would be a circle......though I am pretty round!)

Caloric debt

All my extra poundage is like financial debt, only I earned all the extra debt by buying Sugar, not Sub prime morgatges. And sadly there will not be a big bail out for me. So I have to buckle down and pay off my debt, before the creditors start calling......

So lets say I have 193 lbs of "debt" at 3500 calories per pound....

that means I have to work off

675500 calories

that is almost a whole year worth of extra calories.


Makes my financial debt look like nothing!

Necessity is the mother of all invention

So my sewing of my bathing suit straps, didn't exactly work out the way I wanted to, yeah they are shorter, but they still don't stay up any better. so as I am practically swimming out of my suit, the Northern hemisphere came close to some serious exposure! I got to thinking that I needed to get a some kind of strap that I can easily attach and detach to hold the back of the suit. I decided on velcro would probably be the best, but of course this is all great but it doesn't exactly help me at the moment while I am doing a very awkward crawl. Then the lightbulb went on! My watch has a velcro strap! So the rest of the swim I macgyvered my watch to my swimsuit and had one of the more comfortable swims I've had in a long time.

However I had a heck of a problem telling what time it was.

Day 19

1353 cal, 23.5 g of fat

Almost bailed out on swimming tonight since a friend called me when I was walking out the door, after I got off the phone with her, it almost didn't seem worth it and by the time I had walked to the parking lot of my building I had convinced myself not to go. But somehow I kept putting one foot in front of the other and I managed to get to the pool and swim my 30 min ( bye bye 575 calories).

Goals for the week

Well I guess I should start making goals I want to accomplish each week, so far I have basically been just surviving trying to hold off stuffing my face, that was my main goal. So for this week I would like to start trying to change some behaviors. I would like to start making my lunch the night before, this way I am not as rushed each morning. Believe me I am usually rushed each morning, I try to squeeze as many minutes as possible from my sleep cycle until it is absolutely imperative I get up! This makes for many a day where I am almost late for work. Also I would like to exercise at least three times.

1. Make lunches the night before
2. Exercise 3 times this week 30 mins or longer

Day 18

1160 cal, 28.1 g of fat

I got all my chores and errands done today but only ended up taking a small walk again, about 2 km altogether. So I wasn't totally lazy. Maybe if I had gotten my butt out of bed a bit earlier then 2 pm I would have gone for a longer walk. Excuses, excuses. But it was overall a very nice day.

Day 17

1482 cal, 37.7 g of fat

I got awfully lazy today and didn't go swimming, which would have burned the most calories, but By the time I finished altering the straps of my swim suit, there was only 20 min left in the swim time. So I will aim to go on Monday evening. I also managed to not clean the apartment or go grocery shopping.

I did go on a short walk with my mom, well it was a short walk for me about 1.2 km but that is a big distance for mum. It is really nice to see her so committed to her diet (almost overzealous!) when for so long I say her "dieting" with a lot of unhealthy eating included. But she is really doing well.

So I will aim to burn a larger amount of calories tomorrow. Find a nice trail for BD and I to explore.

My poor sad swim suit

The chlorine is eating it alive, but I don't have the cash to replace it. It is losing the elasticity especially in the shoulder straps, they are so long now I have to tie them in knots to prevent me from swimming right out of the top. Oh how I wish I could blame that on weight loss, but no luck. It just isn't a great suit. I bought it on sale 2 years ago in the fall, I should have known that if it was still sitting around after the summer it was crap, but hey I was desperate.

It really is hard to find a good swimsuit, I mean all the ones for us fat chicks are usually those frilly ones, with the sort of skort like appearance, or the two piece where the top likes to float up. I need an actual one piece since I plan to do more then sit of a cruise deck in it, it will be used for actual swimming. So I will keep my poor sad swim suit I guess I will try to make due for a bit longer, maybe make the shoulder straps shorter.

Day 16

1605 cal, 41 g of fat

Found today really hard, I found myself to be really hungry when I got home. I am not sure but I may be hitting that point where it gets harder, you know your body says "Hey what the Hell!? Feed me". I am also really tired, even though it was a short week, it felt like a long one, some days just feel long. So I think I am going to hit the sack early and start fresh in the morning.

Day 15

1616 cal, 33.7 g of fat

I made some low fat brownies last night, and I indulged too much. So I guess it is still to soon to be testing my willpower yet.

Hit the pool and swam for 40 minutes. The only thing I don't like about swimming is the hour it takes to untangle my hair afterwords.

Weigh in

It was weigh in day again, I lost 2 lbs. Okay I will admit to a small nudge of disappointment, I mean 2 lbs a week is my goal, and I met that. But I want instant gratification, I want to lose weight NOW. But I know it is a slow road....

Day 14

1096 cal 25.3 g of fat

Mowed the lawn with a push mower, boy was I glad it wasn't a huge lawn, and did other assorted yard work for about 2 hours. Lots of exercise!

Day 13

1546 Cal, 36.6 g of fat

Someone brought homemade from scratch Chocolate cupcakes, and they were huge. And I didn't eat one! Now usually I would be all over those like white on rice....or like me on chocolate, but I managed to with hold, I did this by running out of the building as it was the end of my shift, and not looking back....lol I ran from a cupcake. I just really hope that they are all gone when I go back in.

I think that right now I am just not ready to indulge yet. I cant trust myself to just have one, or to work it off later. I also didn't eat out at a bar during a poker game this weekend for the same reason, I ate before hand, so I didn't feel like I messed up or anything.

Right now it is a mental game, If I mess up right now, so early in the game I could throw myself off, and I am really committed to changing right now.

Walking on a Sunny Sunday afternoon

BDW (Best dog in the world) and I went for a nice long walk on Sunday. It was beautiful out, despite the rain all week, the trail was dry. Also it was sunny but not too hot, actually at times the breeze almost made it too cool. Here in Canada it was a long weekend, the unofficial start of summer, so there were a lot of people on the trails enjoying the good weather.

BDW raring to go

the trail I was on borders and goes up the escarpment

I love the scenery, Makes you forget you are burning calories

hard to believe I wasn't in the middle of the woods, but was actually surrounded by the city, here is the overlook of the lower city

Our walk took 1 hour and 40 mins, and was a whole 6 km! I had thought I would go only half way but I was feeling so good, we just kept going down the entire trail, and back again. My one heel was really sore the next morning but it was totally worth it.

P.S. I am totally loving google maps with the satellite images right now, even though it feels a little "Big Brother" to be able to zoom right down to my apartment building...

Day 12

1480 cal, 29.6 g of fat

Does cleaning constitute as exercise?

Day 11

1228 cal, 29.5 g of fat

6 km walk in 1 hr 40 min (772 cal burned!)

The best exercise equipment in the world

And it looks like this....






Meet the best Dog in the world, and I don't say that lightly. This little guy with the big attitude has been a joy in the family for just over seven years. I call him the best exercise equipment for quiet a few reasons:

1) He needs to go out a few times a day, and even though he sleeps most of the day and really doesn't demand or need long walks like other breeds, he Loves them when we go on a big walk.

2) You never feel weird out walking when you have a dog, everyone looks at the dog, not at the big person walking him (or at least that is what I like to think)

3) He isn't judgmental If your going too slow well then there is just more time to sniff and mark trees! He never thinks, " God if you did a bit more walking maybe you wouldn't be so fat"

4) At the same time he gives you motivation, he want's to know "What's over the next hill? Whats around the bend?" His excitement and joy for the walk never ends. (Unless it is raining, he really really hates getting wet)

5) he doesn't get put away to gather dust under a bed or in a closet, he isn't a fad or a phase in your exercise regime (well at least not for me!)

Anyways I love my dog, my companion, and I finally got to showcase him on here a bit, I am sure he will make many appearances in the future.

Day 10

1004 cal, 22.3 g of fat

Ha! now there's a laugh, I didn't eat enough! I am not exactly sure how that came about, mostly because I woke up late, so I had a late breakfast, and made a special dinner for my mom so I was preparing that I really didn't eat a lunch.

Went for a walk with my mom, just over a km. It was really just a stroll for me, but my mom made the whole circuit, which is a huge deal. So tomorrow I will try to get some exercise in that actually puts me to work. I am hoping for nice weather (crossing fingers).

Day 9

1526 cal, 37.2 g of fat

Did pretty well today, I am finding that if I pack a big lunch with lots of snacks it is helping alot, so now if say at 3 pm I am starving, there is something to grab rather then hitting the chocolate box for charity in the waiting room. I think this weekend I need to start making more of a plan, right now I am sort of just winging it right now, just getting used to one thing at a time. I really need to start getting some exercise in etc.

Day 8

1515 cal, 53.2 g fat

well still not too bad though my fat gram count is a bit high. I will have to work on that.

Day 7

1285 cal 19.8 g fat

Guess what?

I lost 8.5 lbs!

Nervous

I am weighing in tonight, I am actually nervous. I mean I have worked hard this week watching what I eat. All I want to lose is 2 lbs, I am not expecting miracles, but I hope I make some progress.

Biggest Loser Finale

I am watching the biggest loser finale, even though I am sure I could be doing so much more calorie burning activities then watching TV and blogging however, I want to see how all the contestents did.

So I am writing this as it is on, here are my thoughts on the show

1) I am so glad Mike got voted in to the final three, Ron really annoyed me alot especially all his manipulating the other players but I know he did it all for his son. I especially hated it when he stabbed Kristen in the back.

2) I want Tara to win, but I think Mike will. who knows, Helen may surprise me

3)Way to go Estelle and Jerry, man you showed that at any age you can do it. I hope Jerry wins the 100,000

4) Shut Up JOELLE!

5) Ahh Kristen, you did awsome, I can't believe the percentage of weight loss was so close to Jerrys

6) yeah! Jerry won the 100,000 dollars

7)Wow Helen Surprised me, She's the biggest loser!

8) Damn the stupid News cut off the last 20 seconds of the show, oh well, I know who won!

Day six

1288 cal, 37.6 g of fat

Today I was driving home from work, and I tend to think a lot during those times my mind tends to wander and suddenly I felt like it wasn't completely hopeless anymore, I mean I can do this, it's not rocket science, it's not impossible it's just a frickin' big job!

Day five

and still alive.... hey this might actually be getting slightly, microscopically , seen only on an atomic level easier.

1304 Cal 48.5 g of fat

Yeah the fat is really up there today, my dinner was waiting for me tonight when I got home, however it wouldn't have been what I would have chosen. But I ate a small portion so It wasn't so bad.

Day four

1980 Cal, 44.6 g of fat

I have noticed my cal and fats have been creeping up slowly, but are still in range. I think it is better to be on the upper end of my calorie range, Its not healthy to starve it off. And this is something I am trying to do for life long, not short term.

Went for a 45 min walk with my dog this afternoon down by the water front, it was sunny but wow was the wind whipping off the water! burrrr. I am so glad it is spring, it is so nice to not be cooped up indoors.

So that burned about 380 calories

For some reason, not eating all the time actually leaves me a lot of extra time, I am just not sure what to do with it yet. I think I was just at a loss this weekend, I didn't know what to do with myself.

upbeat......that I'm not

The last few days I have been pretty down, well more like the last week. It is really hard to feel upbeat right now about this new attempt at weight loss, I have tried and failed so many times, and the road is so long, and the mountain awfully large to climb, okay enough with the analogies. But basically I have failed so often that I am afraid that I will fail again, and again. I am trying to make it stick, but it is still early days. I have only been working at it for three days, and I am starting off slowly, just counting calories etc for the first week. I think next week I will work on adding some exercise. I also have a really hard time talking about my weight, with people I know, I mean I write about it here, but it isn't like there is anyone reading, and no one knows me. I have told my mom and my best friend though, and that is more then I usually do.

I know once I start to have some success, I will start to feel better about it and myself. But I also know how easy it is to get discouraged when you weigh this much, I mean for most people losing 50 lbs would be a huge under taking and I have to lose almost 4 times that in total. Plus results take a long time to see, 50 lbs is nothing. So do I try to aim for smaller goals so that I feel like I am making some progress or do I try for percentage of overall weight.....I will see as I go along.

Day three

1783 Cal, 37.4 g of fat

Well I guess a big pat on the back for making it three days, If I can make it a full seven I can do some back flips. Also considering it is a Saturday I did pretty well since I had all that extra time to eat but didn't.

Day two

1204 cal, 32.4 g of fat

I need to eat some more calories, but the grocery day is tomorrow, So I can restock on some stuff I actually want to eat... the cupboards are pretty bare.

Stayed away from the sweets at work. So at least that is a plus,

one day at a time, right?

Day one

1397 Calories, 32.2 g of fat

A client at work gave the staff a bunch of oh Caramels, a type of snack cake with caramel in the middle and coated in chocolate, and despite having to see them constantly I didn't have one. Maybe one day but not on day one.

wow- who knew how quickly I can cop an attitude

So I went to the weight loss support group meeting tonight, and it was okay, in fact really there was all of 10 mins spent discussing weight control and the rest of the time the ladies talked about other things. I mean it isn't like I don't know the information they can offer, I have been there before, I am practically a professional dieter, so I was okay with the lack of weight talk.

I was feeling pretty on edge though. A lot of it has to do with personal history. I have known some of these ladies my entire life, and they have seen me at all different weights including my short lived success of losing 100 lbs before regaining 200 back. I can't say I really like reliving those feelings of failure that I usually shove deep down in a pit. So I was on edge about the past, uncomfortable about the present, embarrassed because I stepped on a scale (by the way I had to bring my own because theirs doesn't go that high) in front of someone, someone who actually knows what I weigh. Someone I know. So I got a bit defensive. And my attitude came out, I am not that proud of it, but It made me realize that I use it alot, I get upset or unnerved, my attitude comes out. I am not mean (at least I don't think I am) but I realized I was a bit obnoxious. I will have to work on that.

P.S. 373 lbs, yikes.

Trying to figure out what to do.....

So I obviously have not been that successful, with all my half assed attempts here. My determination lasts about as long as a New York minute, and before you know it I am shoveling food hand over fist into my mouth again, and then I am avoiding even thinking about anything weight related. So I have been weighing over my options trying to figure out what to do. Obviously lose weight (ha if only it were so easy!) but how to do it. I don't think I can do it on my own, I think I need more support, or at least more accountability. I thought the blog would do it for me, but so far I find it way to easy to just dissapear from for a couple of months before I come crawling back with my tail between my legs. Another option is to join a local not for profit weight loss organization that I have belonged to before. But I have also quit it before, it is not a be all and end all solution, while I think the other ladies are very nice, I don't really know how much help they can offer me. In the end it is me who has to still have the determination and resolution to do it. On the plus side, it is very financial feasible, since in this economy and my small paycheck can not afford much else.

Oh well I will continue to ponder my options.....

5 min weight loss plan

It's a miracle what 5 minuets and a photo editing program can do! If only it were so easy. But hey this is what I would love to look like one day (with a full head of course!) I can just imagine all the stuff I will be able to do at this weight. A great visual for someone who has always been obese.

Out sick

I am so sick right now with a cold, I am coughing every 2 minutes and am so tired since I can't sleep more then 2 hours at a time every night. I can't wait to be healthy I am so sick of cough candy and cough medicine. ugg I hate being this sick.

The pool

I live right behind a recreation centre. Talk about convenience! I can out the back door and be there in three minutes flat, also convenient is the fact that there is an adult swim or a lanes swim almost every night and on Saturday. So that gives me lots of opportunity to gets some exercise in.

I am not a fan of going to the public swims because of all the kids, and their comments, as innocent or not so innocent as they may be. At least adults keep their observations to themselves (at least most of them). I have gone to the daytime swim on my days off, but since the rec centre is attached to a middle school, the students are sharing the change room. They usually glance over in horror and the old ladies and us fat ones. The last time I went during the day one of the girls let it slip "oh my god! look how fat she is" and one of her friends shushed her. I was tempted to say " This is your future..." But I wouldn't want to be responsible for anyone developing anorexia and remained adult pretending not to hear.

I mean I consider it pretty amazing that I appear in a bathing suit in public! I figure people are too busy trying not to drown to be looking at me. And I am too busy making sure nothing is floating out of my suit.

Weight update

Well it was a good thing I lost 8 lbs last week, cause I gained 2 this week. Oh well, it is an uphill battle.

Me, My Fat and I

372 lbs 02/01/09

I shall also label these my F.A.T. Photos (Freakin' Awsome Two dimensional representations of myself) Okay I have to try to be humerous, lol! I hope these can act in two ways, one day to document just how far I will have come/gone and two maybe as a reality check, since sometimes it is possible to delude oneself into thinking that your not as overweight as you really are. Sure the camera may add 10 lbs, but it can't add 100! (or more).

I have more angles, I was hoping to copy the 360 views that you can find on the weight loss blog pasta queen http://pastaqueen.com/halfofme/about.html but I don't have the computer programs or the know how at this time.

Gone Swimmin'

I just got back from swimming and am exhausted. I only did 30 minutes in the slow lane and am completely wiped. I have to say I have a lot of funny observations of the pool but am to tired at this point. I just wanted to announce I got off the couch and got moving.

First weigh in

Well the first weekly weigh in of the new campaign, and despite the chocolate cake.....

363 (-8.5)

I am pretty happy about it to say the least, but it is like the first week on the biggest loser, you throw big numbers then it gets harder.

Two birthdays and a Funeral

It would have been so much more appropriate If I could have done four weddings and funeral, but hey Hugh Grant will surely forgive me.

That was basically my first week on the weight loss "job". The birthdays were of co-workers, which of course meant the obligatory cake time. As I work at a very small office EVERYTHING gets noticed. The first was a blueberry pie, which I am not really a fan off so I begged off eating it, though the pressure to do so was pretty big as well as the teasing as why i didn't do so pretty intense (one day I will explain), The second I had a very small piece and only ate about 5 bites because it was so rich and heavy, so no one commented when most of it went in the garbage.

The funeral was a surprise (as almost all funerals are) but I managed pretty well, It was so crowded and since we were only acquaintances, we payed our respects and skipped on the food.
During one of the eulogies that was given about the deceased one part stuck with me

"Miss me but do not mourn for me for I have lived a full life, I have traveled many places, had great experiences, and have no regrets"

I think that is something to strive for, to live a rich and full life. I am working on it.

Current weight

Here is the funny thing, I went to weigh myself and couldn't find my scale. Talk about self sabotage! Or it will teach me to stop reorganizing every time I clean. Anyways I finally found it and got weighed.

I weighed 371.5 lbs. So I didn't backslide all the way to pre Christmas.

I'm Back

I have to say I tried to stay strong in December, but my resolve to stay away from the excess calories weakened by December 15th. I had all the regular stresses that occur in December mostly related to Christmas; family gatherings, lack of time, shopping etc. The worst had to have been all the sweets at my workplace, I work in a industry where you get a lot of Christmas cheer from clients. I mean our kitchen/office counters were just COVERED with every sweet you could imagine. I have a picture somewhere, but I would almost rather not be reminded about it all. After all that indulging I lost all the ground I had made in November. How easily it comes back on. But seriously what was I thinking starting a diet in November?? It is only the worst possible time of year for me.

So you ask why didn't I just shake off the holidays and jump back in the saddle on January 1st? Well number one is I don't make New Years Resolutions. They just make you feel worse when you can't live up to them. Number Two, I just don't darn well do anything until I am good and ready. And I wasn't ready yet. I inherited a lot of stubborn genes right along with those obesity ones.

The good news, I am ready now. No more dilly dalling it is time to get to work. So what, that I've had more then a few false starts?? It is a good time for me to start the journey all over again. I only have one event in feburary that will be a challenge to my will power, and then I am clear till April, and all those events I am fairly confident I can control the menu. Then there are no major holidays until thanksgiving in October and by then I will have made some head way and hopefully developed so good habits to assist me.

Also I wanted to say thanks for the comments on the last entry, I guess I am glad I was missed. I did at one point think about just deleting this blog, but I thought to myself, it is all part of my story, my journey, it would be dishonest to delete it.