Jillian Michaels Kicked my ass

Because of a busy day and time constraints, I knew I would not be able to hit the pool but I still wanted to get some exercise in, something to help keep my calories in check this week since I will be eating out at least 3 times, maybe 4! So I cracked open the 30 day shred and grabbed out my mat and runners and gave it a shot. Wow. It really opened my eyes. Now I know I am severely obese, and yeah I can't do a lot of things but I thought with all the swimming, and walking, and the physical aspects of my job that I had some endurance. Well I don't! 30 seconds of jumping jacks just about killed me. Eventually I ended up just jumping up and down moving my legs while using my arms to stop the up and down of my abdominal fat. And even though during the video she expressly said not to, I was forced to take a few seconds break here and there. I also was unable to do some of the movements, I just can't make my body move like that yet. I am sure this will all come in time, the endurance, the ease of movement, but it is going to take a long long time and lots of hard work. 20 mins was sure a work out, and I hurt!

I think that just that work out alone makes me realize I never want to be on the BL. Man if that continued on for hours and hours. No wonder those people are screaming and crying! I would much rather do this slowly at my own pace.

I may not actually do this every day.....yet. I need to work my way up to it. But I will do it!

Body image, and further perspectives given from the Biggest Loser

Body image. Boy is that ever a loaded topic. I know I am fat. Morbidly Obese. I get that. But most of the time I just have to live my life, without thinking every second of the day about what I look like. I consider that healthy, I have other things to pay attention too. But when I do look in the mirror I try to make a frank assessment. No I am not attractive this way, and while occasionally I let that get the better of me and get down in the dumps about how my body looks (usually occurs during a stressful occasion such as getting dressed up for an event and looking like shit yet again) if I didn't put that aside and get over it I wouldn't leave the house.

So I take a look at myself in the mirror and inspect what I look like, but sometimes it doesn't sink in just how large I am.

I was watching the newest season of the Biggest loser, and it is the worst part (If I was in the contestants shoes.) the part where they weigh you in in front of all the people you know for all the world to see. And I am guessing their weights before they step on the scale. and this older Guy gets up there and takes off his shirt and gets weighed, and I think to myself, I bet he weighs gosh 410-420, he is a really big man, and he weighs in at 350 lbs.....my exact weight. Do I look like that! I ran to my mirror and started to asses, yes I am obese, but I don't think I look that big! Then another women gets weighed in and I think, yeah were probably the same weight and she ends up a good 70 lbs lighter then me.

So even accounting for differences in body shape, I obviously have a skewed body image since I can't even guesstimate which contestants are close to me in weight.

Reluctant Biggest Loser Viewer

When I first say previews for the Biggest Loser, ten seasons ago. I was horrified, what a horrible exploitation of obese people, who have enough pain to deal with on a daily basis without being publicly humiliated on television in front of millions of people. I thought how already how many fat jokes, fat suit skits were already on air and now you were making a reality show based on a disease. Hell except for sober house (which I despise) your never going to see a bunch of meth addicts trying to beat their addiction in a race for a quarter million dollars. Or at least I hope to never see that.

So I vowed not to watch, refused. And didn't for the first season. But I got pulled in the second season when when flipping channels I saw a contestant interview and of course what they were saying was what I was living and found myself watching. I had gone from thinking it was the worst concept on earth, to wishing I was on it. But you know I could never go on a t.v. show like that, I am a very private person (despite the blog) and discuss this very personal issue with only a few people, I couldn't imagine having every weigh in in a bra and shorts on TV. Seriously is the whole half naked weigh in thing necessary? You know that is totally for the sideshow factor.

I continue to watch off and on. I watch for the feeling of inspiration, and of hope that I could one day be healthier, thinner, more active but I also watch with a critical eye. I know that the contestants only job is to exercise and all they do all day hence the double digit losses. And they have a support team behind them, and many previous contestants have gained the weight back (like we all have time and again) and I do feel there is some exploitation involved and I question the safety at times. Pushing these people too far inducing injury, but they signed up for it. Because in desperation we all want to change our lives and will go to any lengths to do so whether we do it at home, surgically alter our bodies, write a blog, or become a contestant on a reality show.

So in the end, I guess I am not so much a fan, as a follower. I try to get some education out of the show, some inspiration, some perspective. Because even though I am not a contestant, each contestant is me.