Weigh in

Down 2 lbs

I should be jumping up and down with joy, however I'm not. I am not going to make my goal of under 350 by the end of July. I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself but I feel like time is running out, If I don't start getting some serious weight off before the colder weather starts which quickly followed by thanksgiving, Halloween, and Christmas (I'm Canadian so thanksgiving does come before Halloween on this side of the border) and I'll go so far off the wagon it will take me till next April to get back on track.

I so don't trust myself right now. I haven't been at this long enough to have any faith in my ability to stay on track. I feel like a alcoholic who has been on and off the wagon so many times that there family is like "uh huh, sure you'll stay sober". Except I am the only one saying it. So much for self confidence.

So here I am at the beginning of another week. What can I do differently that I have been slacking on? What do I need to do to make my grip on the situation less tenuous?

Well tracking my eating I have definitely been slacking on so this week I am going to write it ALL down and actually calculate the calories.

Pre cooking for those nights where I get home from work and I want to eat NOW! I am not known for my patience.

The panic of public seating

You know the feeling, your going out, maybe to a movie etc. It should be fun, but instead of looking forward to the event you are absolutely dreading it, thinking of ways to get out of it, maybe you can break a leg or get double pneumonia anything to avoid THE moment. The moment where you have to face the seat and pray to god that your ass will fit, that the chair will hold,that your neighbors person space won't be infringed upon. Praying that the next two hours of your life will speed by cause of the pain you are currently experiencing from the chair arms crushing your side fat rolls. Yep a night out can sure be fun.

One day I hope I will be able to just go out, and not have to worry about it. A few months ago, I spent weeks worrying about going to a play in a theater I had never been at before, the anxiety was pretty bad. I was so glad that when I got there I discovered that the theater was fairly modern and luckily the seats were spacious. But just the fact that I lived for weeks with the anxiety and almost didn't go at all. I am so tired of missing out on activities because I just won't fit, or it isn't safe for my weight. I also have avoided going anywhere where I would have to fly, if they made me buy a second seat, I might actually be the first person to die of embarrasment.

A History of Fat

I was a normal sized Newborn

8 lbs 4 oz

I was a normal sized toddler


I was a normal sized 4 year old


I was a chubby 5 year old


I was an overweight 8 year old

I was an seriously overweight 11 year old

I was an Obese 15 year old

Between age 15 and 17 I lost a 100 lbs and became overweight again

Age 18 I started to gain that 100 lbs back and was seriously overweight again

Age 20 Obese

Age 22-28 Morbidly Obese

Back down to 358

I feel like I am crawling at a snail's pace, is this a good thing? Previously I used to be able to drop 10 lbs a month easily especially at the beginning, but of course never kept it off, and so far this 21 lbs has taken me 76 days or 10 weeks to do.

I definitely had some indulgences this week, some pop corn at the movies (though not as much as I would usually have) and ice cream tonight, but I still lost 2 lbs.

I am feeling a bit lost and am worried that I am just continuing with my usual cycle where I do well for a while, then I start to founder, and then fail. I really need to keep on track, and keep commited to be healthier, to know that the benifits are so worth it.

I'm not liking this pattern....

Weigh in day, and as soon as I woke up I knew it wasn't going to be a good one. I couldn't pull my ring off my finger, and I felt all tired and swollen. Up 2 lbs. I seem to be developing a pattern, lose 2 lbs one week, up one the next (or down 4 up 2 as in this case). I still need to get my sh*t together and get more focused.

Well if I'm playing with my blog.....

At least I'm not eating. Keeping my hands busy is one way to keep them from wandering into the kitchen, darn minds of their own! Anyways I am just fooling around with my blog, the whole pink cotton candy background thing, not really me. I wish I knew a bit more about HTML and codes, but I don't.

Update: still trucking along. I don't really feel like I am making any progress at this point. I am totally relying on the number on the scales, I am going to have to lose a lot of weight before my clothes get lose, or I start losing inches. I am continuing to swim 3 X a week, and walking for at least 30 min 3 of the 4 other days of the week.

I did have a nice long walk tonight over an hour in length.

Weigh in on Wednesday.

Job Stress

I love my career. I am just not that big of a fan of my job right now. Every day has been one big stress fest after another, some minor crisis, a staffing issue, complaint, broken equipment, and somehow it seems that i am heaped with the responsibility of fixing it but not because I am management ( I'm not!) but because of staff turnover after only a few years I am one of the senior employees. There are some really good points about my job that I like: I get along really great with my supervisor and (most) of the co-workers on my shift, I have a pretty great schedule (though 10 hour days are pretty tiring), and I am given the opportunity to try a lot of things I might not get to do at another place. I just don't know how to fix the situation. In this economy I am not just going to get rid of a job! But I find that I spend a large part of the day feeling very negative overall, and I don't like that I am becoming very cynical and negative person. I'm sure that it can't be helping my weight loss. Life is stress, so I feel like I should just deal with it but I just would like some more control at my job and they maybe I could get more control in other aspects of my life.

Weigh in

Down 4 lbs! Surpased my 3 lb goal and said goodbye to the 360s...so long, farewell, good riddance!

The 340's are withing sight, just a measley 8 lbs away, so I am setting a time line of three weeks. Thats 2.6 lbs a week, totally doable.

And I have now lost 21 lbs! I have lost that much before, usually with no real effort, but these have felt like the hardest won 21 lbs. I think because I am working so hard, and trying to do things the right way, for the long term.

Happy Canada Day

The Good: Nations 143 birthday, a Day off of work, Fireworks, did I mention the day off work?

The Bad: All the stores were closed and I couldn't go shopping! The Fireworks gave my dog a nervous breakdown.

The Ugly: A drunken A*% came up to me while I was walking my dog and said "Hey nice Dog." to which I replied "thanks" to which he replied "I didn't mean that dog". yep I should have saw that one coming. I only wish he had done that when I was walking the 80 lb shepard earlier in the day instead of my own little 25 lb dog. Bet he wouldn't have said anything then.

Weigh in

Last night was my weekly weigh in, and deservedly I gained a pound. I found myself eating way to many carbs. Too much bread. I definitely need to focus more get some more concrete goals and plan, I sort of started this time with a "we'll see how it goes" attitude. It hasn't been going to badly but I know I could be doing better. 17 lbs in 2 months is pretty much on target but I'm greedy, I want more.

Right now I am also really dependant on the rush of seeing that number at a new low. Since I need to lose a lot before I will get to see any physical results, I can't wait for my clothing to start getting loose.

So this week I am determined to lose three pounds and get under that 360 lb mark.