why buying a workout DVD felt like a dirty magazine

I mentioned last month that I had tried the 30 day shred. Well a few weeks before cracking it open I purchased it from a book store (more like conglomerate). I went in for the express purpose of purchasing the video. However it took me almost an hour to walk up the the cashier with it. First I headed to the section with the health and fitness stuff, where I previously had scouted it's existence. However there was a couple there and I didn't want to be seen in that area, so I picked up a few books and read the jackets. After a few minutes the couple walked away and I whisked to the shelves grabbed the copy and almost grabbed a biggest loser workout, but left it. I then quickly dashed out and continued to browse books all while carefully holding the DVD between my arm and body with only the bottom of the back showing so others wouldn't be able to see what I was buying. After awhile when the line to the cash was shorter I bought it.

What in the world was I afraid of? That a complete stranger that I would never speak to, or see again would see me buying a work out video. My gosh it wasn't Porn, but that is almost what it felt like to me. It was shame. Shame that I am fat, embarrassed because in my mind the cashier or strangers would be thinking, "oh yeah here is another fat person buying an exercise tape, like she will ever use it." In reality the only person thinking that was me. Still afraid of failure, and what others will think. I still consider this part of my life very private, I don't share it. I am sure that is all part of the fear of failure, and others knowing I have failed. I am most comfortable exercising in an environment where there is the fewest witnesses possible to my disgrace, and the efforts to change it.

But I am making headway into the problem. I swim in public, I use a public walking trail, I go the a support group.

One day I may be able to join a class, a gym, share my successes with others.

But for now, I will tightly close my dining room curtains before popping in the DVD and getting down to business.

Oh and to top it off, the cashier bagged my DVD in a plain brown wrapper.

Correction: Jillian Michaels Kicked my Quads

I can't tell you just how sore my leg muscles are. I see many more squats in my future, to try to fix this weakness. Going down stairs were a whole new level of torture, so was getting down to the floor and sitting in a chair was also ill advised. Strangely enough going up stairs and getting up off the floor were not really a problem.
Abs (if such a thing exists on my body) also rather sore.

I never expected a quick 20 min workout would have me begging for mercy.

Jillian Michaels Kicked my ass

Because of a busy day and time constraints, I knew I would not be able to hit the pool but I still wanted to get some exercise in, something to help keep my calories in check this week since I will be eating out at least 3 times, maybe 4! So I cracked open the 30 day shred and grabbed out my mat and runners and gave it a shot. Wow. It really opened my eyes. Now I know I am severely obese, and yeah I can't do a lot of things but I thought with all the swimming, and walking, and the physical aspects of my job that I had some endurance. Well I don't! 30 seconds of jumping jacks just about killed me. Eventually I ended up just jumping up and down moving my legs while using my arms to stop the up and down of my abdominal fat. And even though during the video she expressly said not to, I was forced to take a few seconds break here and there. I also was unable to do some of the movements, I just can't make my body move like that yet. I am sure this will all come in time, the endurance, the ease of movement, but it is going to take a long long time and lots of hard work. 20 mins was sure a work out, and I hurt!

I think that just that work out alone makes me realize I never want to be on the BL. Man if that continued on for hours and hours. No wonder those people are screaming and crying! I would much rather do this slowly at my own pace.

I may not actually do this every day.....yet. I need to work my way up to it. But I will do it!