why buying a workout DVD felt like a dirty magazine

I mentioned last month that I had tried the 30 day shred. Well a few weeks before cracking it open I purchased it from a book store (more like conglomerate). I went in for the express purpose of purchasing the video. However it took me almost an hour to walk up the the cashier with it. First I headed to the section with the health and fitness stuff, where I previously had scouted it's existence. However there was a couple there and I didn't want to be seen in that area, so I picked up a few books and read the jackets. After a few minutes the couple walked away and I whisked to the shelves grabbed the copy and almost grabbed a biggest loser workout, but left it. I then quickly dashed out and continued to browse books all while carefully holding the DVD between my arm and body with only the bottom of the back showing so others wouldn't be able to see what I was buying. After awhile when the line to the cash was shorter I bought it.

What in the world was I afraid of? That a complete stranger that I would never speak to, or see again would see me buying a work out video. My gosh it wasn't Porn, but that is almost what it felt like to me. It was shame. Shame that I am fat, embarrassed because in my mind the cashier or strangers would be thinking, "oh yeah here is another fat person buying an exercise tape, like she will ever use it." In reality the only person thinking that was me. Still afraid of failure, and what others will think. I still consider this part of my life very private, I don't share it. I am sure that is all part of the fear of failure, and others knowing I have failed. I am most comfortable exercising in an environment where there is the fewest witnesses possible to my disgrace, and the efforts to change it.

But I am making headway into the problem. I swim in public, I use a public walking trail, I go the a support group.

One day I may be able to join a class, a gym, share my successes with others.

But for now, I will tightly close my dining room curtains before popping in the DVD and getting down to business.

Oh and to top it off, the cashier bagged my DVD in a plain brown wrapper.

First weigh in of the New Year

Down 3 lbs. Back down to my pre holiday weight of 330, almost to the 50 lb mark.

My Best friend and her entire family are joining up to a gym for their new years resolution for getting into shape. My friend is a big negotiator and is haggling with the gym regarding fees etc. She called me up tonight and asked if I wanted in and the price she has given is great so I said yes. But I don't know if I am ready to face a gym yet. For one thing, at least I will be in good company, so I won't be facing it alone, but I don't know if I am up to handling classes etc, and I am still so self conscious being seen exercising in public. Another bonus is my friend and I would be spending more time with each other, also a big new years resolution with us. We tend to let our busy lives take over and we haven't gotten to see each other too much even though she has moved back to the city.

I am sure there will be people who stare, but I guess at this time of the year there will be lots of unfit people who will be at the gym. I just need to get over my self consciousness.

Compartmentalizing my life

There is this section of my life, a very large section (ha ha) I will label Weight. It contains lots of stuff in it such as weight loss, obesity, exercise, clothing size, holey jeans, why I'm fat, why I'm still fat, calorie counters, nutrition etc etc. Basically everything and anything to do with weight loss. And I do not share this section with everyone. I compartmentalize what I discuss with whom. It is kinda weird. I mean I share some of it with family members, and the ladies at my weight loss support group, and my best friend knows some but not all. And believe me when I say I would basically have to have me at gun point for me to utter my exact weight or how many pounds I need too lose and yet here I announce it to the world, must be the semianonymity.

However I do not share any of it with the girls at work. I work in a small work environment, and the ladies at work and I talk about just everything from family to money, politics, religion, our pet peeves, what is currently pissing us off. I mean we probably spend more time with each other then our families. And several of my co-workers I consider close friends.

I know my co-workers aren't idiots. They know I have a weight problem, but I think they respect that I do not wish to discuss it. Only once, when I had worked there for a bout a year did my supervisor try to broach the subject, I cut her off and told her I wouldn't talk about it and when she persisted I walked away and ended up crying quietly in the bathroom because I just can't discuss my weight in my workplace, my job is stressful enough and I do not need to deal with the emotional turmoil that my weight causes me. I can't deal with it there.

So at work I do not join in any conversation that my remotely end up in a topic related to obesity. If the girls mention they need to lose 5 lbs, or they are trying this new diet, I don't reciprocate. I never mention where I go Wednesday nights (to WL support group) or while I will mention going swimming once in awhile I don't think they equate it to me exercising.

I am a bit worried that as I continue to lose weight and it becomes more noticeable that it will suddenly be open season on the topic, and how will I deal with that. I am not sure I am ready to deal with unsolicited advice and comments good or bad. But I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

The panic of public seating

You know the feeling, your going out, maybe to a movie etc. It should be fun, but instead of looking forward to the event you are absolutely dreading it, thinking of ways to get out of it, maybe you can break a leg or get double pneumonia anything to avoid THE moment. The moment where you have to face the seat and pray to god that your ass will fit, that the chair will hold,that your neighbors person space won't be infringed upon. Praying that the next two hours of your life will speed by cause of the pain you are currently experiencing from the chair arms crushing your side fat rolls. Yep a night out can sure be fun.

One day I hope I will be able to just go out, and not have to worry about it. A few months ago, I spent weeks worrying about going to a play in a theater I had never been at before, the anxiety was pretty bad. I was so glad that when I got there I discovered that the theater was fairly modern and luckily the seats were spacious. But just the fact that I lived for weeks with the anxiety and almost didn't go at all. I am so tired of missing out on activities because I just won't fit, or it isn't safe for my weight. I also have avoided going anywhere where I would have to fly, if they made me buy a second seat, I might actually be the first person to die of embarrasment.