Let them eat cake

"Let them eat cake"

At least I am pretty sure I won't be led to the guillotine for that remark.

For each employees birthday our Boss buys a cake. It is one of the few (only) outside your pay perks my boss does (we do not have an Christmas party or bonus, and if you are ever sick you don't get paid for it). I have learned to only get sick on my days off.

So anyways I had an itty bitty bit of the cake. I thought about not indulging, but I decided that if I wanted that piece of cake I was bloody well going to have it. I can not go through the rest of my life not having sweets or avoiding functions because food I "can't" have is there. I know it won't work, I will fall off the wagon and relapse so bad it will be like trying to decontaminate Chernobyl to get back on track.

So I consciously decided that I would have a piece. Now it was just a crappy grocery store cake so it's not like gourmet, it could have been better. But the point is that it was only ONE PIECE and it was a small one.

And I don't feel guilty.

Maybe I can stop emoting my food.

So let me eat cake

or off with my head!

Day 50

1975 cal, 40.5 g of fat

Day 49

2047 cal, 36 fat

Day 48 and weigh in #7

I have no idea how much I ate today

or yesturday...

but I am sure it was under 2000 cal (I hope)!

Seriously having issues having the energy to sit at the computer. I just have not felt like checking out any of my regular online haunts. I am not sure if the heat is getting to me or if other things are in the works. But I wanted to make sure I posted today my happy news.

Another 4 lbs down!

I was so sure I gained. But was so happy when the numbers were favorable. In seven weeks I have lost 24 lbs!

Now I just have to keep at it....

And get my energy up....

And keep blogging....

And get more excersice in....

And get some housecleaning in.....

And finalize those plans for world domination....

So much to do, so little time!

Day 45, 46, 47,

Day 45- 1813 cal, 30.2 g of fat

Day 46- 1815 cal, 52.5 g of fat

Day 47- 1835 cal, 38.6 g of fat

I didn't mean to keep putting off posting all weekend, I just couldn't convince myself to sit in front of the computer long enough to do anything of significance. Actually I can barley make myself finish now.

I am still so tired. I slept a lot this weekend, and hardly moved on Saturday. On Sunday I did another 6 km walk with my dog. and stocked up the cupboards for the following week. So the weekend wasn't a complete waste.

I think I may be forced to go the the doctor- shudders- and try to sort the tiredness out. Of course it could also be the 50 hour work weeks and the barely 6 hours of sleep a night.

Day 44 - broke the calorie bank

2545 cal, 45.2 g of fat

Well I pushed the calorie limit today, and it was on nothing! Nothing! I just overate way to much at dinner again.

But at least I was honest!

Day 43

cal 1678, 33.7 g of fat

The hunger portion of this journey is really starting to set in. I was great the first few weeks, but now I am ravenous if I am few minutes late for a meal. As soon as I hit the door coming in from work, I can't wait for dinner. I can't even seem to wait for the microwave. I am keeping all the snacking under 2000 calories but I would like to reduce it.

Day 42 and week and weigh in #6

1855 cal 24.8 g of fat

6.5 lbs down

finally a loss, after 2 weeks of not so great results. After all the crappy eating I did last week, I really didn't deserve it, but I am pretty darn glad.

Day 41

1975 cal, 31 g of fat

I am having a really hard time right now, I seem to be having a food intake issue, I can't seem to stop. It was the ice cream last week, then yesterday I made low fat brownies. Serious mistake part 2, what was I thinking making them. I just can't seem to stop! Will power, what will power?

Anger

Sometimes I feel like screaming in frustration, but also I want to scream in anger. Mostly anger at myself. How did I allow myself to get like this? I mean this is not a couple of extra pounds, this is a whole other person, an overweight one for that matter. How did I think that it was acceptable to live this way? I knew deep down I could not ignore it forever. Every time my knees creaked when I got up after doing a task at work. Or when my uniforms got tight, to the point where you know it is NOT going to be that easy finding the next size up. When no matter how far I sucked in my stomach there was no way I was going to fit through that turnstyle. I am angry at myself for all of these things.

There are people who give anything to walk, run and be out of a wheelchair, while I have this body that has all the right neural connections but because of the choices I have made I can not run. I can walk only so far, I spend parts of my day trying to figure out ways to make less trips up and down the stairs because my knees hurt.

I am angry for all the times that I gave in to the pain of the situation and hit the fridge, and begin to ignore the situation again so that I could just survive each day.

I am sick of just making it through each day, I want to enjoy each day. I am only 27 years old and I have been dealing with these issues my entire life. And I am sick of it.

I am angry at a Society that tells me that I have to be thin to be pretty, that I must be lazy, slovenly and disgusting because I am not a size six. My entire happiness is not wrapped up in a size, sure I want things to improve but I know that this is only one aspect of myself.

I am angry at the people who told me I would have such a pretty face, if only I would lose some weight. (oh please who hasn't gotten that one!)

I am angry that I didn't have a better example of healthy eating and lifestyle growing up. But at the same time I realize how hard this is and I realize that it was not possible to give me that example. (So maybe I am not that angry! to much love and understanding blurrs this one)

Oh yeah and I am pissed at all the issues that are helping keeping me fat.

Day 38, 39 and 40

a three for one post

It was a busy weekend. I worked all day Saturday and then went to a BBQ slash poker tournament all night. Then I was so exhausted on Sunday, I only managed to go on a 3 km walk in the morning and then lay on my bed for most of the day and only dragged myself out because I had no food in the house. It is really a bad idea to not have food in the house when you are trying to lose weight. You just end up making do with something easy and not so good for you.

But anyways

Day 38
1333 cal, 47.8 g fat

Day 39
1539 cal, 46.2 fat

Day 40
1245 cal, 24.5 fat

On a positive not I stayed away from all the chips at the party, even though they kept being passed in front of my face! I did have 3 chocolate covered pretzels which came to a whole 45 cal. So They were worth it, I love chocolate covered pretzels.

Day 37

1607 cal, 39 g of fat

regular old day except I had to work late and am exhausted. It also sucks that I have to work tomorrow since the other saturday girl needed to switch. Damn I wish I had the ability to say no! and not just to food. I am terrible at telling people no. I always feel so guilty.

Day 36

1450 cal, 25.6 g of fat

The last of the ice cream is gone, I am so relieved. I will not be buying that again, I obviously am not to a point where I can be trusted with it. 1.89 L of that ice cream was 1512 calories, and I ate the whole carton in 3 days! Yes it could have been worse. But I am still pretty disappointed with myself.

Day 35 & Weigh in #5

1865 cal, 39.3 g of fat

not the greatest day food wise. I was starving! this is the first week that I have been seriously hungry between meals. Had some unwise eating again this evening. I am going to have to work on that.

Weigh in

Stayed exactly the same. At least I didn't gain.

Day 34

2040 cal, 35.8 g of fat

So not proud of myself today

Breyers Fat free ice cream was on sale, so I bought some.

And of course I totally pigged out on it, then I had lots of honey combs.

Half my calorie count today was cereal and ice cream. So even though my count was decent, it wasn't very healthy.

So this is my first bad pig out since I started 34 days ago. I am sure one of many to come. It was so stupid, as I was eating the ice cream I kept thinking to myself "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS" and yet I kept going back to the freezer.

On the plus side I didn't eat the whole carton.

I also ate out for the first time today, at a hotel during a meeting. I didn't eat dessert there and I ate sensibly ( I was waiting to get home to eat like an idiot)

Tommorow is a new day

Tomorrow is also weigh in

AHHHHHHHH

Oh was I screaming outloud?

Day 33

1717 cal, 36.5 g of fat

I am getting lazy, I didn't hit the pool again, so it is now 4 days since I did any significant exercise (not counting the yard work which I am still sore from). I am seriously busy tomorrow, but I am going to try to go to the adult swim in the afternoon.

Day 32

1442 cal, 33.6 g of fat

I didn't go on a big walk today, but I did do 3 hours of yard work, with no breaks.

Last Sundays Walk

I Started near the white tents, there was lots of men in kilts and uniforms running around! Some kind of military presentation was going on. Bagpipes are interesting background music to walk to!

It was a beautiful day out but extremely windy, especially under the bridges

Almost to the end of the trail, 3 km later

Some little friends lurking on the side of the trail

Of course I was tempted to take the trolley back, but that would be cheating now wouldn't it?


6 km in 1 hr and 35 min

Day 31

1595 cal, 30.8 g of fat

No exercise today, unless you count work. I do work on my feet, move around a lot and I don't get to sit down. So 8 hours of work probably burned a few calories.

I am trying to plan what I am going to do tomorrow. If I go on another long walk like last weekend, I will probably have to deal with a sore right heel again for days. It just started to feel better. Also I am going to be doing several hours of weeding for my grandmother, I remember how sore I was the last time I did that. I guess I am going to have to see how I feel in the morning.

Day 30

1624 Cal, 36.4 g of fat

Happy 30 days to me! Seemed like longer! I sort of feel like I have been at this forever ( well overall I have been doing this off and on since I was five) and not just 30 days. I am still keeping positive, still going in the right direction and I have made it a full 30 days. If I was an alcoholic I would at least get a sobriety chip.

What I have accomplished in my first 30 days

1. changed despair into hope
2. wrote a blog entry every day, no matter how short. Some days I wrote 2 to make up for the short ones.
3. Logged everything I ate each day, and monitored calorie intake
4. started swimming again after a lengthy absence
   
5. I haven't disappeared yet from this blog
6. I lost 13 lbs

Here's to the next 30 days...


Side note of the day: There was doughnuts at work today, and I didn't eat one!


P.S. There will be a lot more patting myself on the back

Day 29

1646 cal 31.1 g of fat

Okay this is weird. I totally decided that I was going to try to eat more, and get my calorie count up around 2000 cal. But I can't! I just can't eat enough! I am full, so I don't want to push it. I mean how weird is that. I the never ending stomach is full. I mean I am eating full meals, having snacks, eating dessert, and it isn't adding up to what I thought it should.

Seriously weird.

Swam for 40 mins.

Day 28

1812 cal, 38.3 g of fat

I really have to work on not being tired. I think I know what the problem is, I just have to work on the solution. It was my day off today and I did really boring things like groceries and laundry. I guess you could say that I do not lead a very exciting life.

Weigh in #4

I gained 2 lbs.

And I am totally okay with it. I know I did everything I could to lose, I didn't cheat, was within calorie range everyday, I exercised. And It is coming up to that wonderful time of the month I become a fire breathing monster. So I figure my hormones are screwing with me. I will do better next week.

New weight 360

Day 27

1670.8 cal, 33.9 g of fat

Still so tired, can barely keep my eyes open, good think I can type with my eyes closed. I just check for typos later. I have tomorrow off so I can sleep in, and hopefully that will help a bit with the tiredness.

Day 26

1817.5 cal 39.5 g of fat

Very tired today, I almost didn't want to log my food, I just want to head to bed. My right heel is really sore after my 6 km walk yesterday and being on my feet all day today. So I have done my duty today, remained dedicated and honest, whew.... enough of that. Good night!