Not doing enough

Sometimes I think to myself (usually after watching the Biggest Loser) That I am not doing enough to reach my goals. I mean I am losing 1 to 2 lbs per week which is pretty darn good, but I could be doing more. Working harder, eating less, losing more. I swim about three times a week and walk for half an hour or longer twice a week, so there is five days where I have some physical activity outside of breathing! I don't know if I am ready for more. I am not financial able to join a gym at this time. I also work long days, I know excuses excuses. I think a point will come where I will have to start doing more to continue losing, but I am not there yet.

Other things holding me back are of course plain old embarrassment (considering I appear in public in a bathing suit on a regular basis that is a laugh) but there is something about exercising where others can see you that makes you completely paranoid that they are thinking all sorts of fat jokes in there minds, or heck taking a photo of you to post on their "fat people exercising" website that gets 50 000 hits a day. Yes this sounds completely bonkers but I am sure it probably exists somewhere out there in cyber space, after I found people of walmart website, I now never go into that store without a checking out my appearance, their favorite post is of overweight people poorly dressed out shopping.

Anyways back to the subject, this all probably steaming from all those feelings of failure etc, that somehow I am not good enough to deserve to lose weight, that I won't make it happen, yada yada yada..... so even though I sometimes feel like I am not doing enough I really don't want it to take over my life. I want eating and physical activity to be part of my life, not be my life.

So when these thoughts enter my head, yes I can probably always increase my effort, but I am going in the right direction, and unless I want to quit my job, not see my friends and family for months, check into a ranch where I have personal trainers and my entire daily purpose is to exercise then well I guess I am doing all right for myself.

Thank God it`s Tuesday

I worked this Saturday (an especially crappy work day to, boy when it gets bad, it gets horrid!) So I missed swimming and Sunday I was basically recovering from Saturday even though my dog and I went for a hour long walk. Monday was especially hectic not only at work but after having to perform my civic duty and rush to the voting station to put my ballot in for the municipal election. So I hadn`t been in the pool since last Thursday. I have to say that it was the best 45 mins I have had all week. My hip was bothering me all day at work, lower back too, but as soon as I slipped into the water that pain eased up. I did my laps with no problem. It felt really good to be weightless, and to just concentrate on swimming. I was almost sad to get out of the water, and unfortunately the hip pain returned. I may have to finally suck it up and go to the Doctors and get it checked out, but I think as I lose weight it will improve. It could just be a pinched nerve.

Tomorrow, I enter where no weight loss blogger should go.....the buffet. It`s mums B-day and that is where she has chosen to go instead of us cooking a big dinner mid week. I am not going to deny myself anything, but I am not going to stuff myself either. I will have a bit of this and that, and enjoy it. I no longer want to associate food with feelings of guilt. I chose to eat it, I will not feel bad about it.

Tomorrow is also weigh in day.....Hoping for a two pound loss, I think i have worked it off.

movie popcorn

I should have said no, but I didn't.
I should have stopped after a few handfuls, but I didn't.
I should feel bad, but I don't.


So yes I consumed a lot of calories and fat, but in the end didn't go over my daily budget, what I am really concerned about was all that sodium. I am probably going to wake up tomorrow all swollen on my weigh in day and then I will probably be cursing the indulgence when I step on the scale. Hey I guess if you do the crime, you gotta do the time.

Man am I thirsty right now.