All quiet on the fat front

I realized that I haven't posted in several days, and nothing really of interest. And since for me being quiet is a bad sign I figured I better write something.

I am basically in Christmas survival mode. The gift baskets have begun to flow into work, and while I have indulged, I have kept in under control and in perspective (and in caloric range!). This week I have 2 Christmas parties i am attending, one is at a buffet, and one is pot luck. I am so bringing veggies to the pot luck.

I went swimming on Thursday as promised, but missed out on Saturday again due to work. I go again on Tuesday. Due to the cold weather and busy schedule my activity level has dropped. No more 2 hour walks on Sunday, my dog is not built for cold weather and surprisingly neither am I (despite the insulating layers). I am missing the activity though and am trying to figure out what to do to compensate. To bad shopping isn't cardio.

Weigh in

I stayed the same, 332.

Just shows you how much exercise really contributes. Even though I stayed withing my calorie range everyday.

I am hoping that by tomorrow I will be able to breath trough my nose again.

Skipped swimming

This is the first time I skipped a swim not because of a function etc, but just because I am just too damn tired. I am also sure that the other other pool patrons will be pleased that I am not contaminating the pool with all my cold germs. So far this cold is beating the heck out of me, and it really isn't all that bad. No coughing, just a runny nose and extreme tiredness and muscle aches.
I made it to work the last 2 days, but only because I don't get sick days. So now I won't be able to go swimming till Thursday, that is a whole week without a swim. I am almost a bit afraid that this is the beginning of that slippery slope where my commitment begins to wane, and suddenly I am too "tired" or "busy" or I'll go later and then I have gained 47 lbs back.

It's just a cold, I should be over it soon, and I WILL go swimming on Thursday, and I will continue on track even if tomorrows weigh in shows my lack of work outs this week.

Sick and tired

That was my weekend. I was really tired then on Sunday while I was out shopping I started to feel really weak, almost shaky. I think it is only a cold but I feel really awful right now, and to top it off I didn't get any exercise the last 2 days. I am just going to relax on the couch under a blanket for awhile then hit the sack and try to feel better.

They Fit!

My new uniforms came in. And much to my excitement the 3Xs fit! I could hardly believe it. The pants are a bit snug but the tops are a decent fit. Since I carry a lot of weight around my hips and stomach I always end up with the tops being too loose at the shoulders but too tight at the hips, which is somewhat what the tops are like, but they are "unisex" design, and I guess men tend to be bigger in the shoulders.

When I ordered them I debated on what size to buy. I was worried that is I bought them too small and wouldn't be able to get into them for a long time, or never be able to get into them and have wasted that money. I was pretty excited that they fit.

I will still be wearing my 4 X uniforms until they are just too big to wear. Depending on what kind of state they are in I may have them taken in rather then just toss them.

Writting in batches

I find that I tend to write posts in batches, instead of sitting down and regularly writting something say once a day I tend to sit down and write 3 or 4 posts on what ever I am thinking and just schedule them for later, or just let them sit in the drafts section until I feel like I am ready to post. Which is kind of funny since I might write about feeling some way but might feel totally different once it gets posted. I have about 10 sitting as drafts because I either started something but it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to, I had a thought to jot down and I will go back and finish it later, or it just turned out too personal and I am just not ready to share it yet.

The whole point of a blog is to share your experience with others, get some feedback, some support maybe work out some issues. But it would seem that by posting about something that happened a week ago I should not be getting the benifit. But actually I am, because just the act of writting my problems down help me feel better about them. I have always been like that. I am an avid journaler (is that a word?) I have been writting in personal journal (offline in an actual book! how retro is that) since I was 10. (I actually lost my first journal in a move many years ago, do you know how much I wish I could have that back! To see what 10 year old me was thinking?) and I can't explain how much that has helped me over the years, plus it is a real hoot sometimes to read it 5 or 10 years later. My handwritting is rather hard for even me to decipher and it wasn't any better then.

Weight loss, the desire to lose, the hurt feelings, the lack of self esteem or some aspect of that problem is probably included in every entry in my journals, it is such a big part of my life but I have noticed that the more entries I write on this blog, the more successful I am at losing weight. That hasn't always happened when I write in a journal.

One pound at a time

This is a pretty common theme among other Weight loss bloggers and websites. I googled the topic and got a lot of hits. My weekly goal for weight loss is 2 lbs a week, but mentally I am just working on one pound at a time. 199 lbs *or more* is a huge number but one pound is do-able. Of course I have to do that one pound, 199 times, but I think I can put that thought away and stick in on a shelf somewhere for now.

Now that I have had some success and am reaching milestones I find myself looking ahead past the next pound to the next 100, and I have to put the breaks on that! I know myself. I will get all excited and start calculating how many weeks before I reach goal, and chart what weight I should lose each week, and when I start to slip and am not meeting these numbers I will start to get discouraged. I have totally done this before. So now that I have lost 47 lbs my brain is trying to whip ahead and say "hey that wasn't so hard, in a few more months you can be to goal" I found myself doing that tonight, trying to figure out when I will be under 300 lbs. But you just can't plan for that! Life happens and then Ice cream happens. I am forcing myself to live in the now, and only looking to get rid of that next pound. I just can't handle more.

Weigh in Wednesday

332! Down 3 lbs. I have only 3 more pounds to go until I have lost 50!

Angry much?

Either I am becoming a major Bitch, am PMS'ing constantly, or am just becoming completely intolerant of everything and everyone. Needless to say lately I seem to have developed a bit of a temper. Now historically yes I get pissed off on a fairly regular basis, but usual I stew about it, get quiet and when in private scream and yell. Lately however I have going from a perfectly happy mood to a 10 on the angry scale in an instant, almost no transition period. Good bye periods of mild annoyance, and Hello rip your opponents head off and play dodge ball with it.

It's like the terrible twos all over again, (if I remembered what the terrible twos were like).

There was a lot of huffing and puffing, and threatening to blow the house down, so to speak. Okay really there was swearing and stomping and smacking of a wall.

I don't really like being that person. Is it just the real me coming out, now that I don't have food to hide behind? Is it a build up of job (getting worse and worse) and life (never ending) stress and really I just need a vacation (haven't had one of those since 2006). Well whatever it is I hope it passes or I work through it, and until then my god have mercy on anybody who crosses my hot tempered path.

My weekend

I had a very busy weekend, that included a 500 km drive , a college reunion and a surprise party. So needless to say I did not get any exercise in. I did have 2 large meals, However stayed within my calorie budget Yeah! I did indulge in some sweets, but once again it did not send me over my limit (close but not over). Chances are I will probably stay the same or gain this week (hopefully not) but I enjoyed myself. I am looking forward to getting back into my routine this week.

Correction: Jillian Michaels Kicked my Quads

I can't tell you just how sore my leg muscles are. I see many more squats in my future, to try to fix this weakness. Going down stairs were a whole new level of torture, so was getting down to the floor and sitting in a chair was also ill advised. Strangely enough going up stairs and getting up off the floor were not really a problem.
Abs (if such a thing exists on my body) also rather sore.

I never expected a quick 20 min workout would have me begging for mercy.

Jillian Michaels Kicked my ass

Because of a busy day and time constraints, I knew I would not be able to hit the pool but I still wanted to get some exercise in, something to help keep my calories in check this week since I will be eating out at least 3 times, maybe 4! So I cracked open the 30 day shred and grabbed out my mat and runners and gave it a shot. Wow. It really opened my eyes. Now I know I am severely obese, and yeah I can't do a lot of things but I thought with all the swimming, and walking, and the physical aspects of my job that I had some endurance. Well I don't! 30 seconds of jumping jacks just about killed me. Eventually I ended up just jumping up and down moving my legs while using my arms to stop the up and down of my abdominal fat. And even though during the video she expressly said not to, I was forced to take a few seconds break here and there. I also was unable to do some of the movements, I just can't make my body move like that yet. I am sure this will all come in time, the endurance, the ease of movement, but it is going to take a long long time and lots of hard work. 20 mins was sure a work out, and I hurt!

I think that just that work out alone makes me realize I never want to be on the BL. Man if that continued on for hours and hours. No wonder those people are screaming and crying! I would much rather do this slowly at my own pace.

I may not actually do this every day.....yet. I need to work my way up to it. But I will do it!

Weigh in

Down another 2 lbs. yeah! That gives me a total of 44 lbs gone.

I have noticed I have been fairly consistant with my numbers, approx 2 lbs per week. I am greedy and want more of course but I am really happy that I am continuing to lose.

I am still feeling alot of anxiety about the upcoming holiday season. This week I have 2 dinners and 1 party to attend and I will be missing 2 of my regular workout times, so I need to fit some exercise in somewhere. I also need to fit in the grocery shopping, shoe shopping, laundry and grocery shopping in there and somehow work as well.

I had to haul around some really heavy stuff at work today and clean around them, alot of bending down and now my hip is really killing me. However the laundry area has never been so clean or so organized.

1500 m

That is what I swam tonight in 50 mins. A new distance for me. I am slowly building up my endurance in the pool. It really feels like I accomplished something. Now I need to work on speed.

With the weather getting cooler there is a lot fewer people coming out for the late swim. In fact I was alone in the pool for the first 20 mins which by the way is kind of creepy when the 2 lifeguards are only watching you swim. At least I was very safe. I am probably only going to get to the pool once this week, unless there is an earlier swim on Thursday, I have been so busy the last few days and the upcoming week I have hardly had time to sleep much less focus on exercise. All part of the danger zone of November and December. I am determined to make it through to January with a loss of 50 lbs total for the year. Which means I have 8 more lbs to lose in 41 days. Guess I got to fit in more 1500 m swims.

Granny's scale

There has always been a scale in the bathroom of my grandmothers house.

It only weighs to 280 lbs.

Growing up I used to think at least I didn't weigh that! As long as I was no where near that line I was okay. I wasn't that fat.

Then I started getting near that line.

I stopped stepping on the scale at grandmas.

Denial is not just a river in Africa.

Weigh in Wednesday

Down 1.8 lbs, 337! total of 42 lbs lost. This week except for having to work on Saturday and therefore missing my swim is pretty clear of any events or temptations, so I will aim for a three pounds.

Cut the cord, the cable cord that is

I have been completely without cable for 2 1/2 months now. And I have to say, I love it. Now I still love to watch television programs but I am pretty much streaming them all online now. Most of the TV stations have websites where they stream their shows anyways, I may have to wait a few days until they are posted but I can handle that. I am really enjoying not having to be tethered at home during a certain time. I used to never leave the house Thursday nights from 9 pm on, the whole Greys Anatomy then ER combo, in fact people dared not phone me during that time (if they did it was a very unresponsive conversation; "uh huh, yeah, okay see you then" sort of thing). Now I head to the pool that night and watch Grey's on the weekend. Actually almost all my TV catching up is now done on the weekends freeing my weekday evenings up for other activities.

It also has really reduced my channel surfing habit, where I ended up just watching whatever was on or re watching something I have already seen ten times. My programme watching is much more focused now. The only thing I am worried about is how much bandwidth I am using these days. I will really have to check that out.

Overall I am probably watching less TV now. I have replaced that time with more physical activities but not all, still working on it, and the big bad Internet pulls me in a lot.

40 lbs gone pics

339 lbs November 5 2010





372 lbs from feb 09

Well I can't say that I see any difference here, but I know with being so morbidly obese you have to lose alot of weight before you get to see results. Anyways the clothes are looser.

Weigh in Wednesday

338.8 lets just say 339, I much prefer round numbers and drum roll please ..............40 lbs down!

So I lost an little bit this week to get me to the 40 lb mark and that reflects not only the party I attended Saturday night but the Halloween candy I indulged in (which by the was was a whole 4 items, that is way way better then any other year). However Halloween did make me think quite a bit about Christmas and knowing the food disaster that that brings, starting approx mid to late Nov and continuing to Jan.

I live in fear of the food gifts coming into work from clients, and there is no place to escape or hide the items because we are such a small workplace the staff room is also the kitchen, lab, office, storage room......etc. I need to lay some ground rules for myself and maybe a plan for Nov and Dec.

Not doing enough

Sometimes I think to myself (usually after watching the Biggest Loser) That I am not doing enough to reach my goals. I mean I am losing 1 to 2 lbs per week which is pretty darn good, but I could be doing more. Working harder, eating less, losing more. I swim about three times a week and walk for half an hour or longer twice a week, so there is five days where I have some physical activity outside of breathing! I don't know if I am ready for more. I am not financial able to join a gym at this time. I also work long days, I know excuses excuses. I think a point will come where I will have to start doing more to continue losing, but I am not there yet.

Other things holding me back are of course plain old embarrassment (considering I appear in public in a bathing suit on a regular basis that is a laugh) but there is something about exercising where others can see you that makes you completely paranoid that they are thinking all sorts of fat jokes in there minds, or heck taking a photo of you to post on their "fat people exercising" website that gets 50 000 hits a day. Yes this sounds completely bonkers but I am sure it probably exists somewhere out there in cyber space, after I found people of walmart website, I now never go into that store without a checking out my appearance, their favorite post is of overweight people poorly dressed out shopping.

Anyways back to the subject, this all probably steaming from all those feelings of failure etc, that somehow I am not good enough to deserve to lose weight, that I won't make it happen, yada yada yada..... so even though I sometimes feel like I am not doing enough I really don't want it to take over my life. I want eating and physical activity to be part of my life, not be my life.

So when these thoughts enter my head, yes I can probably always increase my effort, but I am going in the right direction, and unless I want to quit my job, not see my friends and family for months, check into a ranch where I have personal trainers and my entire daily purpose is to exercise then well I guess I am doing all right for myself.

Weigh in - take that scale!

Down 3.4 lbs,

I am 0.6 lbs away from losing 40 lbs.

I would have loved to round the number down, to be able to label this post 40 lbs gone, but I haven't earned it, yet.

I did however say goodbye to the 340's, good riddance to bad rubbish.

The buffet, wasn't so bad, I didn't eat as much as I did in the old days, however I still ate too much. I only just went over my daily caloric intake today so overall not so bad.

Thank God it`s Tuesday

I worked this Saturday (an especially crappy work day to, boy when it gets bad, it gets horrid!) So I missed swimming and Sunday I was basically recovering from Saturday even though my dog and I went for a hour long walk. Monday was especially hectic not only at work but after having to perform my civic duty and rush to the voting station to put my ballot in for the municipal election. So I hadn`t been in the pool since last Thursday. I have to say that it was the best 45 mins I have had all week. My hip was bothering me all day at work, lower back too, but as soon as I slipped into the water that pain eased up. I did my laps with no problem. It felt really good to be weightless, and to just concentrate on swimming. I was almost sad to get out of the water, and unfortunately the hip pain returned. I may have to finally suck it up and go to the Doctors and get it checked out, but I think as I lose weight it will improve. It could just be a pinched nerve.

Tomorrow, I enter where no weight loss blogger should go.....the buffet. It`s mums B-day and that is where she has chosen to go instead of us cooking a big dinner mid week. I am not going to deny myself anything, but I am not going to stuff myself either. I will have a bit of this and that, and enjoy it. I no longer want to associate food with feelings of guilt. I chose to eat it, I will not feel bad about it.

Tomorrow is also weigh in day.....Hoping for a two pound loss, I think i have worked it off.

Butternut squash soup

I am trying to cook more, as well as learn some new recipes. Tonight I made butternut squash soup. I love squash and am looking for more ways to incorporate it more in to my diet.

anyways I took
1 butternut squash
1 onion
2 apples
1 box of Campbell's vegetable stock
garlic
a pinch of nutmeg

threw it in a pot and simmered it for roughly 45 min till the squash was soft and then blended it to a smooth consistency (got to put my new immersion blender to use).

only 44 cals a serving 1/2 cup

very filling, and it was pretty yummy. I now have lots to freeze for a quick meal option.

I walk a lonely road

Sometimes I feel very lonely. I don't mind being alone, or by myself but it seems to be a lot. I exercise alone, either swimming or walking. I only have a few close friends that I don't get to see a lot as life seems to get in the way. We are all at different points in our lives They are either married and having children, or getting married while I remain single.

They also don't have a major weight problem like I have so I don't really know how much they would relate to it. Especially when it is such a big part of my life. I have a very small family, and I sometimes feel the panic when I think of losing one of them, not only because I love them and would miss them, but just how much smaller my family would become.

Now some of this is my own fault. I am shy, and self conscious about my weight, and well self esteem and I have never been on good terms. I am sure some people would never guess I am shy but I just put on a brave front in that regard. Acting. I am not involved in any activities where I could get to know more people, and I work long hours and am a homebody when I am home. I am also the independent type, even when I have a task to do at work I usually try to figure out a way to perform it myself before asking for assistance. I've never really made friends easily. (ha I guess that could just be my personality.)

So yes I am alone a lot of the time, but I am also alone on this weight loss journey. My family is overweight from moderate to markedly. But right now I am the only one seriously doing something about it. So it is up to me to "get er done" of course it has always had to been me, no one else can do this for me.

I do belong to a weight loss support group, but once again the person closest to my age in the group is my mother. All of the ladies are older, different activity levels, different abilities, different weight categories. I think that is one of the reasons I like reading blogs so much, not just for inspiration but I can find someone who is in a similar situation to mine, who have experienced what it is like to live your life at 379 lbs and try to change that.

So this is my journey, my road and I am the only one on it. However there is a similar road with a similar traveler in the next county. I guess I am not totally alone.

My New swimsuit

Well I received my new swimsuits a few weeks ago, and of course the minute I got them I had to try them on! I got a black one in a size 26 (the biggest they sold) and a flower print one in a size 24 because apparently I was feeling very optimistic. Well anyways the flower print (besides being dead ugly in person) doesn't fit so it has been regulated to the bottom drawer for awhile until it does.

The black is a one piece with a key hole back and a very high neck. It is a crinkle fabric and it is very sturdy construction, it has been great to swim in since it feels like all my jiggly bits especially the Buddha belly is being held in. I also like that when I swim I am not worried about my straps riding down and exposing anything. There isn't any skirt or anything so my legs show, but hey a skirt when swimming is just a big drag anyways.

yesterday in the showers, I could see a fuzzy reflection of myself and realized I look like a giant black pear with legs. So much for the days of the cute blue whale.

Weigh in

Down 1 lb. Total of 36 lbs down.

I am feeling pretty good these days. Really enjoying the outdoors while I still can before the weather turns sour, and hitting the pool regularly. My clothes are fitting looser now but not too bad yet.

I had my first comment. The lady at the desk of the rec center saw me come in on Saturday and she said "ahh you've lost weight!" I just said thank you. I think she remembers me cause her first day working there was the day I came in and bought my yearly pass. I don't really see any difference yet when I look at myself in the mirror, 36 lbs is just a start when you need to lose 199 (wow, my god 199 lbs #%&*).

movie popcorn

I should have said no, but I didn't.
I should have stopped after a few handfuls, but I didn't.
I should feel bad, but I don't.


So yes I consumed a lot of calories and fat, but in the end didn't go over my daily budget, what I am really concerned about was all that sodium. I am probably going to wake up tomorrow all swollen on my weigh in day and then I will probably be cursing the indulgence when I step on the scale. Hey I guess if you do the crime, you gotta do the time.

Man am I thirsty right now.

Being Discreet

I keep mentioning being discreet about logging my food, and I figured I would explain that. I mentioned compartmentalizing my life in a previous post, how I don't talk about weight loss to certain people. How even though I have a blog that I write all this down in I don't talk about these issues with people I know, save a few. I don't like questions to be asked that may lead to a discussion about my obesity. I am really private about that stuff. I also think that is partly due to a fear of failure. If no one knows I am trying then they don't know when I have failed.

My mom is not like that, when she is on a weight loss kick, she will tell anyone and everyone about how many days she has eaten salads, how far she has walked, how much she has lost. She is proud of herself, and she is also the type to self promote and feels more comfortable in the limelight and attention. I don't even like to mention if I made the honor roll or got a raise, I guess I let my mom do my bragging for me and since she is my mom she loves to brag (don't all mums?).

But It does drive me a little crazy when she tells people about what she is doing to lose weight, especially when I am sitting right there. I always think that whoever she is talking to is thinking; "Hey what about your daughter, look at her, is she doing anything to lose all that weight?" Okay maybe they are not, but it is how I feel.

Swim tonight

I did 1000 m in 35 min, I ended up doing 1300 m all together. I had to recount cause I didn't believe it at first. I thought I must have missed a set, but nope I was right! I really need to learn some technique, I really don't know what I am doing, I'm not swimming, I am actively not drowning. I don't really think I am to the point where I could go to masters, cause I don't really understand what it is all about, plus all those really fit swimmers are kind of intimidating, and I don't need to take beginners swimming lessons since I can swim pretty well. I guess I will just continue on my own until I feel more confident about joining a class.

Weigh in

Down another 2 lbs. Take that thanksgiving! Down to 344, if I keep up this pattern, I can hopefully say goodbye to the 340's in a few weeks.

Weigh in Jitters

I am a bit nervous for the weigh in, I attended 2 thanksgiving dinners this weekend, and while I had a bit of everything, I didn't pack it away like I usually do I still feel like maybe it was too much, that I didn't try hard enough. I have that feeling a lot lately, that I am just not doing enough, not pushing myself hard enough, and that is why the weight is coming off so slow. I guess we will see if the swimming and the 2 hr walk on the weekend counteracted the turkey dinner.

I Give thanks......

For the beautiful 21 0C day after two weeks of gloomy weather that allowed me be outside today

For the city I live in, and all it's neat trails and facilities that allow me to get active for cheap

For my Country, I am free, I have rights, I have freedom of expression, I have Health Care!

For my Job, when so many others are without one

For my dog, who is my constant companion, and walking buddy

For my friends, the few yet brave! Those who I can vent to and be silly with.

For my Gran who I can so easily make proud with the simplest of tasks.

For my Mom, who's love and support I have never been in doubt of and I know I will always have.

For the past, it has made me what I am today

For the present which I live working on myself

For the future, and the person I hope to become.


For so many things I just can't name because we all take them for granted everyday

What size to buy?

I am due to purchase some new uniforms for work, I get 2 new sets each year. The only problem is I am not sure if I should purchase 4X or 3 X. All the size charts say I should purchase a 4 X but all my current uniforms are getting a bit loose, the tops practically indecent (I guess I'm bottom heavy.) If I purchase two new uniforms at 4 X and in a couple of months I am swimming in them then I would have purchase new ones at my own cost. On the other hand if I purchase the 3 X size then they probably wouldn't fit for awhile, and what if I go off the wagon yet again and never get down to that size? Since I have a habit of that. I could always have the 4 x uniforms taken in, if necessary. Of course its also because I want to say, hey I am in a 3 x now, even though I'm not really. Oh and there are some really cute sets, that aren't available in 4 x.

So what should I do?

P.S. these are also being purchased Online, Since there is a lack of selection of plus size scrub set locally.

Compartmentalizing my life

There is this section of my life, a very large section (ha ha) I will label Weight. It contains lots of stuff in it such as weight loss, obesity, exercise, clothing size, holey jeans, why I'm fat, why I'm still fat, calorie counters, nutrition etc etc. Basically everything and anything to do with weight loss. And I do not share this section with everyone. I compartmentalize what I discuss with whom. It is kinda weird. I mean I share some of it with family members, and the ladies at my weight loss support group, and my best friend knows some but not all. And believe me when I say I would basically have to have me at gun point for me to utter my exact weight or how many pounds I need too lose and yet here I announce it to the world, must be the semianonymity.

However I do not share any of it with the girls at work. I work in a small work environment, and the ladies at work and I talk about just everything from family to money, politics, religion, our pet peeves, what is currently pissing us off. I mean we probably spend more time with each other then our families. And several of my co-workers I consider close friends.

I know my co-workers aren't idiots. They know I have a weight problem, but I think they respect that I do not wish to discuss it. Only once, when I had worked there for a bout a year did my supervisor try to broach the subject, I cut her off and told her I wouldn't talk about it and when she persisted I walked away and ended up crying quietly in the bathroom because I just can't discuss my weight in my workplace, my job is stressful enough and I do not need to deal with the emotional turmoil that my weight causes me. I can't deal with it there.

So at work I do not join in any conversation that my remotely end up in a topic related to obesity. If the girls mention they need to lose 5 lbs, or they are trying this new diet, I don't reciprocate. I never mention where I go Wednesday nights (to WL support group) or while I will mention going swimming once in awhile I don't think they equate it to me exercising.

I am a bit worried that as I continue to lose weight and it becomes more noticeable that it will suddenly be open season on the topic, and how will I deal with that. I am not sure I am ready to deal with unsolicited advice and comments good or bad. But I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

Weigh in Wednesday

346, down 2 lbs. Coming off slowly but surely. Now down a total of 33 lbs.

My poor sad swim suit part 2

It's hard to believe that it was way back in May 09 that I wrote about my poor sad swim suit, and how it desperately needed replacing. I did buy a new suit in April when I was away for the weekend and forgot to bring it. It was a cute swim dress type suit purchased from a plus size retailer, and it lasted me till June. It quickly fell apart and was unsuitable to actually swim in. Which totally leads me to believe that the designers of the suit don't believe that someone needing a size 30 swim suit would actually be swimming in it, rather then just floating. The skirt stretched out so badly I felt like I was swimming in a dress from little house on the prairie. So I went back to my blue suit, now even more beat up then before with it's sewed up straps and requiring a shoelace to tie the back up to make sure I stay decent. But the blue suits days are numbered.

By the way do you know what a pain in the behind it is to shop for a plus size swimsuit in October! After quite a few hours surfing some websites and finally finding one that will ship to Canada ( why it is such a big deal to ship from the states, I don't understand, we are on the same continent for goodness sakes.) I purchased two suits. One is a size 26 and one is a size 24. I hope they fit, or at least I hope they fit by the time my blue suit bites the dust. They should be arriving soon. In fact I am currently waiting for fed ex to arrive and deliver them. I can't help but be excited who doesn't like to get new things.

Cute blue whale

I just felt the need to share this cute little blue whale. If I needed a symbol of myself swimming, this would be it. Now I am not being hard on myself, with the symbol being a whale and all, I just love this cute little guy (who happens to be a scrapbook embellishment) who is happy just splashing around.

Besides all the fat layers, and the enjoyment of water, we also have similar colouring






no wonder I feel a bond with my cute little blue whale. :)

Holey Jeans

Dammit now the patches need patches! I did buy a new pair as my going out pair of jeans and my patchy jeans continue as my around the house, dog walking, grocery shopping jeans basically anywhere I don't really care if someone sees the edge of the patch, because they are already probably thinking about "my god how could you let your self get so fat!" So I don't really care what they think anyways. And since all of the wear is only in the thigh area I refuse to thorw them out, since being thrifty is really in these days.

The good news is that after losing 31 lbs now when I wear my jeans, they don't restrict my breathing or leave a red indent around my waist. I may have been wearing size 28 jeans but in reality I was probably a size 30.

.

Pot luck early thanksgiving meal

I'm Canadian so my thanksgiving meal was only a week early! I was out at a pot luck party last night and I have to say I am pretty proud of myself. I had a little bit of everything but no massive quantities, and I didn't deny myself anything including that piece of pumpkin pie. Ummmm the food was so good, but I kept track of what went in my mouth, discreetly again thank you ipod. And I came under my caloric budget which is pretty awesome, if you add my swim yesterday afternoon I really had a great day. And it was also a card game and I won my money back! So overall an awesome day.

I *heart* my ipod touch!

I wanted an i pod touch. I wanted one really really really badly, but I told myself no. You don't need that, you can live without it, you should use that money to pay off more debt.
damn practical Erin, can't get anything past her.

Then since I was visiting the website all the time eyeing it, getting to know all about, basically drooling over it I started looking around at the apps, and low and behold.....

weight loss, there's an app for that.

okay way more then one. There are several apps for fitness, calorie counting, tons of stuff.

I finally had a way to get past practical Erin, I needed an i pod touch, for my health! (snickers evilly)

Oh sure I could still do a paper accounting of my food intake, or even an online one on spark people, but it wasn't right there with me, and not very discrete to be carrying around with you. But no one questions you playing with your i pod. So I gleefully broke down and ordered one from Apple (to appease practical Erin, I bought a refurbished one at a lower price). And then I painfully waited until I had it in my hot little hands!

So anyways I have had my i pod touch for a little over two weeks now, and it is my constant companion. I LOVE it! I downloaded a bunch of free apps, and have been playing around with them. I especially love the one I use for logging my food and exercise. It is simple, and when I am contemplating whether or not I am going to put something in my mouth, I can whip out my handy dandy device and check on how many calories I can still consume today in my caloric budget.

I am pretty sure that is what helped me lose 6 lbs in the last 2 weeks and get over my long WL pause of August and September. It definitely helped plump up my enthusiasm and energy for this whole process. And I totally love all the other applications and a few games I have downloaded.

Made swimming tonight

I swam 1000 m in 40 mins, yeah! I did 200 m sets of crawl or breast stroke. I really made myself focus on the swim rather then the time (how long have I been swimming???), which seemed to help a lot.

Down another pound

348 lbs. I have to say I am did pretty well this week, though I snacked a bit too much and I was so tired that I missed to swim sessions, cause I decided sleep was what I really needed. I don't regret it at all, those 8 solid hours of sleep did me a world of good.

My goal this week is to eat my vegetables. I love veggies, and dislike fruit, I know most people are probably the other way around, but I am weird and I know it. I went grocery shopping and bought cauliflower, celery, peppers and sugar snap peas, and my goal is to eat them all and not let them languish in the fridge until they become a mushy mess and a waste of good money. So tonight I cut them all up and put individual servings into baggies, for easy access.

Oh and I want to hit 345 for next week, I know 3 lbs is asking for a lot.

Body image, and further perspectives given from the Biggest Loser

Body image. Boy is that ever a loaded topic. I know I am fat. Morbidly Obese. I get that. But most of the time I just have to live my life, without thinking every second of the day about what I look like. I consider that healthy, I have other things to pay attention too. But when I do look in the mirror I try to make a frank assessment. No I am not attractive this way, and while occasionally I let that get the better of me and get down in the dumps about how my body looks (usually occurs during a stressful occasion such as getting dressed up for an event and looking like shit yet again) if I didn't put that aside and get over it I wouldn't leave the house.

So I take a look at myself in the mirror and inspect what I look like, but sometimes it doesn't sink in just how large I am.

I was watching the newest season of the Biggest loser, and it is the worst part (If I was in the contestants shoes.) the part where they weigh you in in front of all the people you know for all the world to see. And I am guessing their weights before they step on the scale. and this older Guy gets up there and takes off his shirt and gets weighed, and I think to myself, I bet he weighs gosh 410-420, he is a really big man, and he weighs in at 350 lbs.....my exact weight. Do I look like that! I ran to my mirror and started to asses, yes I am obese, but I don't think I look that big! Then another women gets weighed in and I think, yeah were probably the same weight and she ends up a good 70 lbs lighter then me.

So even accounting for differences in body shape, I obviously have a skewed body image since I can't even guesstimate which contestants are close to me in weight.

Reluctant Biggest Loser Viewer

When I first say previews for the Biggest Loser, ten seasons ago. I was horrified, what a horrible exploitation of obese people, who have enough pain to deal with on a daily basis without being publicly humiliated on television in front of millions of people. I thought how already how many fat jokes, fat suit skits were already on air and now you were making a reality show based on a disease. Hell except for sober house (which I despise) your never going to see a bunch of meth addicts trying to beat their addiction in a race for a quarter million dollars. Or at least I hope to never see that.

So I vowed not to watch, refused. And didn't for the first season. But I got pulled in the second season when when flipping channels I saw a contestant interview and of course what they were saying was what I was living and found myself watching. I had gone from thinking it was the worst concept on earth, to wishing I was on it. But you know I could never go on a t.v. show like that, I am a very private person (despite the blog) and discuss this very personal issue with only a few people, I couldn't imagine having every weigh in in a bra and shorts on TV. Seriously is the whole half naked weigh in thing necessary? You know that is totally for the sideshow factor.

I continue to watch off and on. I watch for the feeling of inspiration, and of hope that I could one day be healthier, thinner, more active but I also watch with a critical eye. I know that the contestants only job is to exercise and all they do all day hence the double digit losses. And they have a support team behind them, and many previous contestants have gained the weight back (like we all have time and again) and I do feel there is some exploitation involved and I question the safety at times. Pushing these people too far inducing injury, but they signed up for it. Because in desperation we all want to change our lives and will go to any lengths to do so whether we do it at home, surgically alter our bodies, write a blog, or become a contestant on a reality show.

So in the end, I guess I am not so much a fan, as a follower. I try to get some education out of the show, some inspiration, some perspective. Because even though I am not a contestant, each contestant is me.

Finally broke the 350 mark

Yeah! Took me awhile but I finally broke that number! I lost 4 lbs this week to go down to 349. Another 19 lbs and I will no longer be lying on my drivers licence (ha like anyone tells the truth on those).

I am practically giddy over that number. It's kinda weird, I think it has something to do with being closer to 300 lbs now then 400 lbs. Or I just like kicking round numbers in the ass!

30 lbs gone.

"As I accept this award.....wait no award? damn it I had a speech ready and everything, I would like to thank the academy, oh wrong award ceremony. Okay here it goes.....I would like to thank the local swimming pool, my MP3 player for kick ass tunes while I walk, my dog for walking me, my calorie counting app, bloggers that inspire me, and of course myself for keeping with it. I could not have done this without you"

So far so good.

If only I could blog more regularly.

getting lucky

Oh yeah, I totally wish that was how it sounded. But the only way I got lucky today was on the scales. Down 3 lbs back to 352. And lucky it was, there was ice cream and burgers involved this week. However you know I do not reget one scoop of ice cream, or that burger. I do regret all the extra handfuls of cereal I gulped down mindlessly. So it seems I am continuing to stall around the 350 mark, I haven't been focused enough, just sorta treading water.

Obsess much?

I can be like a dog with a bone, once I get something in my head, I just am so focused on it I just think about it over and over. Whether it is a problem, or an experience, a conversation, something I want, something I may never get, my insecurities or a decision that needs to be made, I end up spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about it. I will assess the situation, research, research some more, and then research some more, assess again, make a pros and cons list, do a bit more research, hem and haw a bit, possible beat my self up and then heck I may finally get around to making a decision. Then I will doubt my decision and change my mind, then I will re change it and stand firm in my original decision.

Take for example a simple task as dying my hair: should I go to a hairdresser? Can I afford it? what colour? is that too unnatural? Maybe I'll wait till next week. Maybe it will be on sale. until I finally realize that my roots have grown way out and my premature grey is prematurely aging me.

Needless to say I then spent an additional 20 min in the drug store isle deciding what colour I would go this time.

I don't know why I am so cautious and careful. Now I hide this, most people do not know I am this neurotic. I appear to be a normal person (ha!) okay I am sure my friends would say otherwise. I am a functioning member of society. Perhaps I just don't have enough stuff to do and I fill my time with the inane details. Or perhaps I am worried what others will think if I take a wrong step, stand out more then I already do. I am way to concerned with people pleasing.

Of course one of the biggest subjects I obsess over is obvious: My weight. Everything from; Why am I fat? Why can't I get it off? Why did I do this to myself? What should I eat? Why can't I plan better? Why can't I cook ahead? Why can't I just keep my mouth shut? And This has been going on for YEARS.

But unlike picking out hair dye, a decision that has a fairly rapid result I just keep obsessing over needing to, wanting to yet unable to Lose weight. Get Healthy, become good looking. It is just such a big problem to overcome, so many factors are involved. and some days it feels so intertwined with my other problems it is overwhelming. I am not just trying to lose weight, I am trying to overcome many of the facts, history, personal experiences, genetics, flaws, that make up me.

Slippin

I have definitely been feeling that I have been slipping lately, from stopping tracking food, to skipping an opportunity to walk or swim here or there, and then eating out. All little things individually but when viewed together a very dangerous pattern of behavior, one I know oh so well. Dropping and putting on the same 5 lbs without any real progress. But at the same time, not gaining overall. What gets me is that I a performing the same repertoire every time I try to lose weight and we all know how it ends, the scales numbers back up where they started. So what can I do differently. Well for starters get my ass back tracking food. then actually start planing meals. Then I need to increase my activity level. All sounds pretty easy right. Yeah well we will just see about that. The only thing stopping me is.....well me.

Feeling optimistic

Wow, one good weigh in and your whole outlook becomes brighter. I definitely feel more upbeat today about myself and this herculean task known as weight loss. I had noticed a minor loosening of my clothing. I am still a size 28 but maybe I am actually a 28 now, where before I was a size 3o squeezing in to size 28 pants. Had a really nice swim tonight I did 20 laps freestyle, 10 laps breast stroke, and 8 laps with the kick board. Now I think the pool is 25 m long so that would be 950 m swim, not too shabby. It is also nice that some of the regulars at the pool recognize me now, enough to say Hi and Bye. Plan to hit the pool again this weekend, and maybe do a really nice long walk on Sunday. Still really need to work on the eating I am finding that I do a lot of mindless eating and wandering in the kitchen for a snack, repeatedly.

Weigh in

Down 4 lbs! Creeping closer to being under 350. Can't wait, I will do it this week.

a narrow escape

I was friggin lucky this week, I stayed the same. A very miraculous turn of the scales, I fully deserved to put on a few pounds (reference waffles, sausage, home fries, a box of lucky charms, cheese, cookies, ice cream). It probably wasn't as bad as it sounded, but I had a four day weekend in which I shot normal meals out the window and ended up eating whenever the hell I wanted or remembered. Yeah even I will forget to eat. And that is a big no no!

We had a good meeting today (not a WW meeting a non profit weight loss support group)where we had a dietitian speak, she went over a lot of stuff and answered questions. She gave the lecture with such enthusiasm and knowledge of the subject matter, and even though a lot was basics about food groups etc, it is always great to get a refresher course. She also made things a bit easier for some of the older members to understand, talking about poly, mono unsaturated fats etc.

As expected

The Brunch triggered a 2 day calorie ingesting downward spiral. Now on the good side I didn't eat everything on my plate, there was just too much food, but it screwed up my meals for the rest of the day. And then I had Monday off for the civic holiday and I slept in late and screwed up all my meals etc. So I am not really looking forward to weigh in tomorrow.

Stressing out over eating out

I'm going out for brunch tommorow, okay actually today since I am still up at this really late hour. I can't believe how much I am stressing about eating out. It is just one meal but I don't want to go becuase the calorie count is going to be horrendous unless I just eat 2 bites. I just know what it is going to be like, staring at the menu trying to pick the lesser evil....literally. As it is my choices are limited since I am such a picky eater, I don't like most of the items on most menus, and am usually stuck with either, pancakes, waffles or a basket of chicken fingers. Except for the concert last weekend where I only ate one slice of pizza and some popcorn, this is the first time I have been out for a meal at a resturant since I restarted.

I wish that I could have a relationship with food where it just came naturally instead of viewing it as my enemy, every bite guilt ridden or calorie laden and waist increasing.

Weigh in

Down 2 lbs

I should be jumping up and down with joy, however I'm not. I am not going to make my goal of under 350 by the end of July. I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself but I feel like time is running out, If I don't start getting some serious weight off before the colder weather starts which quickly followed by thanksgiving, Halloween, and Christmas (I'm Canadian so thanksgiving does come before Halloween on this side of the border) and I'll go so far off the wagon it will take me till next April to get back on track.

I so don't trust myself right now. I haven't been at this long enough to have any faith in my ability to stay on track. I feel like a alcoholic who has been on and off the wagon so many times that there family is like "uh huh, sure you'll stay sober". Except I am the only one saying it. So much for self confidence.

So here I am at the beginning of another week. What can I do differently that I have been slacking on? What do I need to do to make my grip on the situation less tenuous?

Well tracking my eating I have definitely been slacking on so this week I am going to write it ALL down and actually calculate the calories.

Pre cooking for those nights where I get home from work and I want to eat NOW! I am not known for my patience.

The panic of public seating

You know the feeling, your going out, maybe to a movie etc. It should be fun, but instead of looking forward to the event you are absolutely dreading it, thinking of ways to get out of it, maybe you can break a leg or get double pneumonia anything to avoid THE moment. The moment where you have to face the seat and pray to god that your ass will fit, that the chair will hold,that your neighbors person space won't be infringed upon. Praying that the next two hours of your life will speed by cause of the pain you are currently experiencing from the chair arms crushing your side fat rolls. Yep a night out can sure be fun.

One day I hope I will be able to just go out, and not have to worry about it. A few months ago, I spent weeks worrying about going to a play in a theater I had never been at before, the anxiety was pretty bad. I was so glad that when I got there I discovered that the theater was fairly modern and luckily the seats were spacious. But just the fact that I lived for weeks with the anxiety and almost didn't go at all. I am so tired of missing out on activities because I just won't fit, or it isn't safe for my weight. I also have avoided going anywhere where I would have to fly, if they made me buy a second seat, I might actually be the first person to die of embarrasment.

A History of Fat

I was a normal sized Newborn

8 lbs 4 oz

I was a normal sized toddler


I was a normal sized 4 year old


I was a chubby 5 year old


I was an overweight 8 year old

I was an seriously overweight 11 year old

I was an Obese 15 year old

Between age 15 and 17 I lost a 100 lbs and became overweight again

Age 18 I started to gain that 100 lbs back and was seriously overweight again

Age 20 Obese

Age 22-28 Morbidly Obese

Back down to 358

I feel like I am crawling at a snail's pace, is this a good thing? Previously I used to be able to drop 10 lbs a month easily especially at the beginning, but of course never kept it off, and so far this 21 lbs has taken me 76 days or 10 weeks to do.

I definitely had some indulgences this week, some pop corn at the movies (though not as much as I would usually have) and ice cream tonight, but I still lost 2 lbs.

I am feeling a bit lost and am worried that I am just continuing with my usual cycle where I do well for a while, then I start to founder, and then fail. I really need to keep on track, and keep commited to be healthier, to know that the benifits are so worth it.

I'm not liking this pattern....

Weigh in day, and as soon as I woke up I knew it wasn't going to be a good one. I couldn't pull my ring off my finger, and I felt all tired and swollen. Up 2 lbs. I seem to be developing a pattern, lose 2 lbs one week, up one the next (or down 4 up 2 as in this case). I still need to get my sh*t together and get more focused.

Well if I'm playing with my blog.....

At least I'm not eating. Keeping my hands busy is one way to keep them from wandering into the kitchen, darn minds of their own! Anyways I am just fooling around with my blog, the whole pink cotton candy background thing, not really me. I wish I knew a bit more about HTML and codes, but I don't.

Update: still trucking along. I don't really feel like I am making any progress at this point. I am totally relying on the number on the scales, I am going to have to lose a lot of weight before my clothes get lose, or I start losing inches. I am continuing to swim 3 X a week, and walking for at least 30 min 3 of the 4 other days of the week.

I did have a nice long walk tonight over an hour in length.

Weigh in on Wednesday.

Job Stress

I love my career. I am just not that big of a fan of my job right now. Every day has been one big stress fest after another, some minor crisis, a staffing issue, complaint, broken equipment, and somehow it seems that i am heaped with the responsibility of fixing it but not because I am management ( I'm not!) but because of staff turnover after only a few years I am one of the senior employees. There are some really good points about my job that I like: I get along really great with my supervisor and (most) of the co-workers on my shift, I have a pretty great schedule (though 10 hour days are pretty tiring), and I am given the opportunity to try a lot of things I might not get to do at another place. I just don't know how to fix the situation. In this economy I am not just going to get rid of a job! But I find that I spend a large part of the day feeling very negative overall, and I don't like that I am becoming very cynical and negative person. I'm sure that it can't be helping my weight loss. Life is stress, so I feel like I should just deal with it but I just would like some more control at my job and they maybe I could get more control in other aspects of my life.

Weigh in

Down 4 lbs! Surpased my 3 lb goal and said goodbye to the 360s...so long, farewell, good riddance!

The 340's are withing sight, just a measley 8 lbs away, so I am setting a time line of three weeks. Thats 2.6 lbs a week, totally doable.

And I have now lost 21 lbs! I have lost that much before, usually with no real effort, but these have felt like the hardest won 21 lbs. I think because I am working so hard, and trying to do things the right way, for the long term.

Happy Canada Day

The Good: Nations 143 birthday, a Day off of work, Fireworks, did I mention the day off work?

The Bad: All the stores were closed and I couldn't go shopping! The Fireworks gave my dog a nervous breakdown.

The Ugly: A drunken A*% came up to me while I was walking my dog and said "Hey nice Dog." to which I replied "thanks" to which he replied "I didn't mean that dog". yep I should have saw that one coming. I only wish he had done that when I was walking the 80 lb shepard earlier in the day instead of my own little 25 lb dog. Bet he wouldn't have said anything then.

Weigh in

Last night was my weekly weigh in, and deservedly I gained a pound. I found myself eating way to many carbs. Too much bread. I definitely need to focus more get some more concrete goals and plan, I sort of started this time with a "we'll see how it goes" attitude. It hasn't been going to badly but I know I could be doing better. 17 lbs in 2 months is pretty much on target but I'm greedy, I want more.

Right now I am also really dependant on the rush of seeing that number at a new low. Since I need to lose a lot before I will get to see any physical results, I can't wait for my clothing to start getting loose.

So this week I am determined to lose three pounds and get under that 360 lb mark.

Home sweet pool

My regular rec center shut down last week for it's annual maintenance, boy did I miss it. I wasn't going to quit swimming for a week so I headed to the next closest rec center to my home. During this process I learned something, I have been going to the NICE pool. Now I am not complaining. I am very lucky to live in a city that has a great recreation system but wow, what a difference a short car drive makes! It was very nice tonight to be in a change room with stalls that lock, showers with warm water, and staff that were actually padding the swim time a bit instead of calling TIME on the early side (they also didn't harass us to hurry up out of the change room either), and I could walk there and back. It's so nice to be home.

Weigh in Wednesday

Down another 2 lbs, yeah! I was really hoping I could say goodbye to the 360's but that my friends will be next week. Can't wait! I have actually been excited to weigh in. God how weird is that??? I just can't wait to see what progress I have made in the past week, can't wait to reach a new goal, a new achievment. Can't wait for all the little losses to add up and beging to see physical results.

The last month I have been feeling really positive lately. I even went clothes shopping and didn't leave miserable and spirt crushed. I even bought a new pair of capris for the summer ( I do not do shorts!). They fit, but fit tight. By the end of the Summer I will be reporting how loose they are getting, I swear it!

Manual labour

I am not sure how many calories it burns, but I am sure paying for it today. I spent about four hours on sunday, weeding, digging, hauling yard waste trying to make a realatives backyard presentable. I am feeling muscles today I wasn't aware I had. And to make matter even better, the city didn't take all the bags during collection this morning, so I had to haul them back to the garage so when the rain hits the bags don't disintergrate.

So basically I was tired, I hurt, I had worked a full day on my feet and the most I wanted to do tonight was lay on the couch and fall into a coma but I didn't. I would like to say it was due mainly to my willpower and desire to lose weight but in reality my dogs consistant begging did the trick. But here is where I am most proud of myself. I started out the walk saying to myself, just go around the track one time, your just not up to it tonight. Then on the second lap I thought, okay 3 times around aint to bad. So by the time I did the fourth I was pretty pleased with myself.

Pain

For as long as I can remember my mom has always been in pain. She was told many years ago that she would be in a wheel chair with in a few years. She was told to stop working. She was told she would be dead. But since she doesn't like being told what to do she hasn't died, she isn't in a wheel chair and she works 12 hours a day.

As you can surley guess my mom is morbidly obese too. She has done great over the years she is down from over 400 lbs to around 250 lbs it has taken her 30 years but I am proud of her, She still has a long way to go. But still she is in pain every single day. She has arthritis all over her body, complicated from years of having to much weight on her joints.

When I was a kid, I was used to dealing with her pain, I didn't understand it, and sometimes when I had to go do the laundry cause she couldn't do the stairs that day, or always bring in the groceries cause she couldn't carry anything, or when we had to stop and sit on a bench in the mall because she couldn't stand any longer, I would roll my eyes and think " it can't be that bad just get up and do it!". I was a good kid but not perfect. I didn't always like being a little adult.

I have been overweight since the age of 4, and obese since I was 13 and morbidly obese since I was 20 I have been carrying all that extra weight on my joints. My knees hurt especially when I am up and down off the floor all day long, and my right hip is starting to ache pretty regularly now. I am not to the point where I am taking pain killers yet, I am just dealing with it. But it has given me a small glimpse of what She has delt with every day and how it hasn't kept her down. It makes me admire her even more.

Just one more reason to shed the extra weight. I am my mothers daughter, and I have seen what the future holds, I just don't wan't to spend it in pain.

Weigh in

Down 3 lbs. whoo hoo! I got the whole, Rush of joy when I saw the new number of 363. I was actually looking forward to getting on the scale (gasp!). I couldn't wait to see how I did. Overall I had a really good week. I stayed on track pretty well, and I hit the pool three times. I also went for a big walk on Sunday. I am aiming for another 3 lbs for next week. I would like to get under 350lbs by the end of July. 16 lbs gone!

Wearing out the jeans

I had one good pair of jeans. One pair that didn't have patches on the inner thigh area, a pair I would wear out to any gatherings so I didn't risk anyone seeing the patches. I was really hoping that they would last long enough for me to shrink to another size but no such luck. The first hole has appeared. Darn friction!


Just for once I would like to have a pair of pants that didn't end up having to patch the inside thighs. Maybe one day the knees will go first! Something to look forward to.

The good news is that holey jeans are all the rage right now!

Good News!

I'm down 6 lbs! Take that gain from last week, I fixed you good!

Okay so I am a little bit happy about losing. It just feels good to be getting some results. But lets have a reality check. This is a habit of mine, do well for awhile, lose a few pounds and then get overconfident. I'm doing so well I can just eat this or that and next thing you know I am right back where I started from.

Down to 366 lbs.

I have been just winging it the last month, it is time to get focused and start working to my potential.

Dieter's amnesia

You know how everyone says that after a long hard labour and delivery once a women holds her baby she will forget all the pain?

I'm not talking from experience here since I don't have kids, but I have been thinking about how after many diets, many weight loss attempts I tend to forget what a pain and hard work the whole eat less, exercise more , lose weight thing is! I spend the first few weeks of my recommitment to weight loss in this kind of optimistic daze where I think to myself "oh gosh, I will just eat less then 2000 cal a day and exercise 1/2 hr a day and the weight will just MELT off". Then I start to fantasize about how in a few months I will have to buy some new clothes, and how maybe I will feel good looking for once.

But then reality sets in. This isn't easy. Eating 2000 cals a day isn't as easy when you have previously been eating probably twice that. Exercising 1/2 hour a day is hard when you work a 10 hour day on your feet and you are exhausted. Doing any sort of exercise is pretty darn hard when you have basically been a couch potato and are so out of shape just walking can be daunting much less anything more intensive. And we're not talking a few months here, it's gonna take YEARS.....if I don't give up as I have done in the past. Repeatedly.

So I guess Weight loss is a bit like labour. Your going to sweat, there is going to be pain, lots of emotion, lots of panting, no one EVER wants to see any kind of video of the process but the payoff at the end is going to be worth it.

But unlike labour hopefully if successful you will not forget all that effort, just so you won't have to do it all over again.

Damn I wish there was a weight loss equivalent to an epidural!

Weigh in

Up 2 lbs! So unexpected. I exercised, I ate decently but I gained. I was actually excited to get on the scale tonight, but it disapointed me. But I am not going to get discouraged. I could have gained for so many reasons. So I am going to keep on trucking.

I got back in the pool for the first time in months. I plan to go again tommorow night. My goal is to go swimming 3 x per week for at least 1/2 hour, more as I get stronger. I also walked for half an hour several times this week, but I know that I have to do more.

Weigh in

So I was totally ready to whine, and cry and bitch and moan how I gained weight this week, but it turns out that I didn't. Until I decided not to avoid this blog and pulled it up I realized that I actually stayed the same. Then I also relived this week of eating, the ghosts of meals past so to speak.

Now the KFC was a passive agreement on what to get for dinner, I actually don't like KFC, way too greasy. But I didn't have to eat the ice cream, M& Ms or popcorn. But I was watching the end of LOST. Practically eating because of grief.

I went a bit crazy on the arrowroot cookies.

I had several days off and a beautiful weekend yet I hardly exercised at all. I am just not a fan of the heat but that is not an excuse, the damn fireworks stopped me, they gave my dog a nervous breakdown all weekend so walking after dark was not an option either.

But I am ready to pull up my britches (if I can get them on) and get to business.

Why I am going to be successful this summer

1) LOST will be over and I will now will be able to leave my apartment between the hours of 9 and 10 pm.
2) All those other TV's shows I am unwholesomly addicted to will be over for the season.
3) It is warm out and I will actually go outside.
4)I am ready to live life, not just watch it
5) 4 months with no upcoming birthdays, celebrations, family events, major holidays to throw me off my game, 4 months to work on good habits so I can get through the not so easy months.
6)I am sick and tired of busting out of my clothes.
7)I am sick of having sore joints because of all the extra weight on them.
8) small workable goals. One pound at a time. Can't look at the big picture, I don't want to discourage myself with how big the task is.
9)Support. In any form I can get it. From my weight loss group, online, family.
10) Education. I think I know everything on weight loss (uh yeah right, emphasis on THINK) so I am going to read up on nutrition etc.

So these are the 10 reasons I am going to be successful this Summer.

Success, Success, Success........I can do it, I can do it, I can do it.

Weigh in

Down 4 lbs! I was hoping for five, but I am just happy I am down! 369 lbs. So now I am making goals for next week, I am aiming for another 4 lbs. If I could do that I could lose 12 lbs in a month. Okay lets not get to ahead of myself, I am going for the small goals, one pound at a time.

Doing alright

I'm not doing too badly, have tracked my food each day so far and remained under 2000 cals, and that is with going out last night to a pot luck! my first temptation, I am actually pretty proud of myself for not giving up and just eating like crazy. We will see if I get any results on weigh in day! One day at a time is my moto right now. I am not looking at the big picture too much, it's a bit daunting when you realize just how much weight I have to lose.

Still here

Just thought I would shout out and say that I am still here! lets just say I was on another long break. now back to our regularly scheduled program......

back on track~~~week three~~~

I didn't go up or down.

Not to shabby considering the large family dinner and the dinner out at a lecture the past week. As well as not managing to exercise at all. On to week four.

back on track~~~week two~~~

Down 2 lbs

I logged everything I ate and watched portion size, but I didn't coun't calories. I am just getting back into the swing of things, I haven't exercised at all either, I haven't wanted to get overwhelmed. In the past I get so fixated on gettting everything right all at the same time that I end up messing up on one thing and next thing you know I endup giving up on all the healthy habits. So one thing at a time. Little goals, so that I don't get overwhelmed by the big picture.

So this week I will start working on the excercise aspect, while still keeping up with consciously thinking about what I am eating.

Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork. ~English Proverb

Bob and Jillian

Were pounding me in a Last Chance workout last night in my dream. Or should I say nightmare. Boy they can be mean! I was with the other contestants and we were on the treadmills but they were outside facing the sun! And Bob wouldn't let me get off to put my sunglasses on and Jillian just kept yelling, let go of the handles!

I think it may of been my subconsious's way of letting me know that I should start exercising.

That or Bob and Jillian are really branching out in their motivational techniques.

back on track~~~ week one~~~

Down nine pounds, yeah there is all the christmas weight gone. I know the first week is always a big loss. And then things slow down, But I am not going to start worrying about that yet. I am taking it all one day at a time. Sometimes I get so caught up with thinking how I am just not losing fast enough that I end up feeling like a failure.

370 lbs

Yep I'm an ostritch

Well I have been keeping my head in the sand for the last 6 months or so. Pretending the blog didn't exist, pretending I don't have a weight problem, pretending that the 5, 10, 20, 25 lbs I was gaining wasn't that much. Pretending that I would get back on track "Starting tommorow". Well it has been many many tommorows and only 3 days ago did I start again. I should rename this the yo-yo blog, or the Great Dissapearing Act blog. I am back up to exactly were I started. Or actually above where I started. I am at 379 lbs.

On a positive note I am in a really good place right now. I am pretty happy, things are looking bright. I just have to get on track with weight loss.

This is not a new years resolution. I don't believe in them. Yeah the New year feels like a new start, a clean slate. But I know that I can't just erase all my history all the ups and downs. All I can do is work as hard as I can to achieve the goals I wan't in my life.