November 2008 recap

Well I started the month out at 375.1 lbs, and ended it at 365.5 lbs, so if we ignore the decimal points, I basically lost 10 lbs, or 2 lbs a week, which is my ideal goal. If I do that I can be at my goal weight in 16 months (I hope). But things happen so it is an idea of where I wan't to be a goal line so to speak.

Current weight

Well it was a hard week, I just wasn't eating as well as I should have been, and overeating a bit, I just felt really really hungry, wanted to snack constantly etc. I stayed the same weight wise, at least I didn't gain. Of course I weighed in before my Saturday night staff party, talk about totally overeating, I actually ate a piece of KFC, my arteries are crying out in shame, I did show some restraint, believe me I could have eaten a lot more! But I am not beating myself up for it, I can't eat perfectly all the time. Well it is a new week, and time to get my act together.

Needs

Well I thought I would list the reasons why I NEED to lose weight.

1. My health

yeah this a pretty big reason, should be the top reason, that's why it gets to be #1. Without your health where would you be. Then there is the family history of diabetes that at my current weight is almost a certainty and arthritis, those poor joints just can't hold up to the forces that my weight puts on them.

2. Energy

I am tired of being tired. It is just way too tiring to lug around this weight, I just want to sleep, but no matter how long I sleep, I never get the energy I want.

3. Living Life

I want to get out and do so much more! More then I can do now. There is so much more to do out there beyond the couch!

4. Happiness

I know that I have more problems then just my weight, and those certainly won't go away with the pounds. But It is such a big issue in my life, I would like it to be something less emotionally draining.

5. Access

lets just say I would like to be able to walk through a shopping turnstyle without becoming a contortionist.

Current weight

Hey its that time of the week again, have an exhausting day at work, head home, pick up dog, eat dinner, sit on couch, get weighed, write blog posr. It seems funny but I think getting weighed at the end of the day works for me, that way if I gain weight I won't be brooding about it all day.

Anyways that is not the case this week, it's not much but I lost 1 pound. At least it is down trend, I really need to start adding some exercise to things but currently I have too many excuses to name. Also I lapsed on the calorie recording, but I am back to it first thing. Also I picked up some ice cream that was on sale this week, its some of that fat free stuff which is absolutely horrible for you, tons of chemicals, but it was on Sale, seriously it is never that cheap, its not like I have eaten the whole container, I am proud to say I haven't even eaten a third of it yet.

Current weight: 365.5 lbs.

Dinner

I spent a large part of my weekend cooking. You would think that this would be counter productive to losing weight, but I didn't eat the food I just cooked it.

I get home from work each night about 7 pm and I want to eat Immediately! Or as close to immediately as possible, so I don't really want to wait another 30-45 mins preparing a meal. So far I have found the best solution to doing this is to pre cook my food and freeze it. Also I package anyl the leftovers from a regular meal for later as well, and I don't have to do dishes each night which I totally love (sort of feeding into my lazy nature, which is totally unrelated to being fat!) So I have a ton of chicken, chicken pot pie, mashed potatoes, grilled potatoes with rosemary and garlic, turnip, turkey soup, pasta with hot italain sausage just waiting in my tiny little freezer. This way I am less likely to snack in desperation as I am waiting for my dinner, and my portions are more controlled. My only mistake was making a whole try of homeade rice krispies thinking I would be saving money on not buying the individual wrapped store bought snacks, however in the end I just ended up costing myself calories. mummmmm they were good. Oh well no regrets.

Current weight

366.5 lb

2.5 lbs loss

Missing out

I am a pretty recreational active person despite my obesity, I go walking, swimming, go out to social events, movies. On a whole my policy is to not stop myself from doing something because I am fat, even though I am naturally a shy person and sometimes have to force myself. But there are always those instances where I just know that I can't join in on this activity, or do something physical, it just isn't going to work.

Of course it's always something I would love to do, or that may be difficult to excuse myself from without getting into the reasons why. I just know that I do have physical limitations and I have caused them myself.

I found out today that some of my co-workers are organizing a trail ride for all interested parties. I love horses! I love riding! I haven't been on a horse in more then 10 years because I don't want to kill the horse! I also always had an issue with mounting since an injury to my knee. So not only am I going to miss out on an activity I would love, I will miss out on the socialization with my co-workers in a non work setting.

According to this article on the weight watchers site:

http://www.weightwatchers.com/util/art/index_art.aspx?tabnum=1&art_id=59481&sc=3039

There is no set upper limit for the rider's weight a horse can carry, but a lot of riding schools will place weight limits so their horses are not injured or overworked. But better to be safe then sorry, I would never want to inadvertently injure an animal, its not like when you sit on a chair and break it, that's embarrassing. Imagine breaking a horse, I don't think I could show my face at work again, or outside my door for that matter. Most riding schools seem to range from about 220-250 lbs as the maximum weight allowed. So lets say I lose 10 lbs a month (wishing and hoping) then maybe the earliest I could start horseback riding would be a year from now ( I totally should not have figured that out! that is more depressing then encouraging!)

I am trying not to dwell on all the things miss due to my body, but to currently enjoy the things I can do. Another good reason to continue on....

The wagon

Well I decided to start off this weight loss effort more slowly. I don't want to overwhelm myself. In the past I have gone all gun ho from the start and at 150 % effort and enthusiasm which I just can't keep up with in the long term. I will fall off the wagon from time to time, that is inevitable, but what I really want is to be able to get back up on it. In the past I will fall off the wagon HARD, and the jar from the fall will cause me to stay off the wagon for weeks, and I will keep telling myself that I will start back tomorrow, or the next day, or the next month, and before I know it I have been the wagon is so far up the trail I am left in the dust (okay too much imagery??) and I have lost all the ground I had gained. I feel so disgusted about myself for allowing myself for falling off in the first place, and also for allowing myself to get in this condition. So I have started off slowly. I want to learn to drive this wagon and stay on (again with the imagery, I just can't seem to stop.)

So week one, I was just trying to get back into control. I was eating portions (maybe slightly bigger then normal portions) but with enough control that I wasn't feeling all that hungry. I also was tracking my food intake, and caloric intake. But that was the extent of my juggling act (don't want to start off with too many balls flying in the air). This week I will try to incoporate some exercise, not alot at first, but just get my feet wet.

Weight

I weighed myself Saturday morning and my first week of trying has rewarded me with a six pound weight loss. I was hoping for 2 lbs, so I was very very very happy to see I had lost six.

Current weight 369 lbs.

Weekend wasn't too bad

Well my weekend was not that bad, on a whole I was pretty good, food intake wise, I probably should have stayed a bit further away from the tortilla chips, but otherwise I was good. I did have a small slice of cake, but I also had veggies and fruit. I snacked to much when I got home today, I was hungry from the long drive but it wasn't anything to be discouraged about. So I will officially consider this weekend as a neutral event, I could have done better, I could have done worse. So yeah me.

First test of temptations

Well this weekend will be my first real test of temptations, going to places where there is no control of what is served. I am not only going to a baby shower, but as well the next day I am going to a huge fair. As well as staying over with friends. So we will see how it goes. I am wondering if it is a bit over the top to bring some of my own snacks if I feel the need to munch. Obviously not during the festivities, but for car rides, long lines, ect.

Just have to remember, if I mess up a little, it's not the end of the world.

Control

Well here we are on day 4 of this renewed effort, the latest wake up call. I think I am doing pretty good, I am feeling upbeat and positive, I haven't had any major cravings, or gone on a out of control food binge, Sure I know that this won't last, I am still experiencing the euphoria from finally doing something.

Just being in control of what I am putting in my mouth is making me feel so much better. I know I have always been in control of what I eat, however before I would try to stay on the wagon, but my heart wasn't into it, so then I would just eat and eat and eat, like I was never going to get to eat again. I also was eating like I would soon be cut off of chocolate or candy or restaurant food when I finally did start watching what I eat. And rationally I know that's not true, that I can have those foods, just not a lot or too often. I will be holding off for a while just taking a break from the sugar overload that was october.

I have written down everything I have eaten for 4 days now, and my caloric intake has been pretty reasonable, less then I thought, but I am also making conscious food choices, and not eating mindlessly.

Critical mass

There is always that weight that you get to where you reach a critical point. Its that point where all your fat clothes are too tight, and there really isn't another size up unless you wish to start wearing mu-mus. The point where you have to stop denying that you are fat and healthy but that you are obese, morbidly obese ( I seriously hate that term). The point when you can see your future and it definitely isn't pretty. I have reached my critical mass. I am at the point where if I gain any more weight I won't be able to function easily. I have noticed in the last few months especially the last few weeks, how difficult it has been bending over, I have caught myself doing my fat bend or how I don't actually bend but sorta lean over without bending my knees with one leg stretched out balancing me so I don't topple over. Yeah that's attractive. I also have been avoiding going down stairs at work, I actually found myself upset at work cause someone didn't ask me to get something from down in the basement when I was down there and instead I had to make a second trip. Getting winded more easily. Praying to god that my pants don't rip.

I could gain more weight I mean it is physically possible but I have reached my personal stop point. I know I need to stop now, before I end up being one of those people confined a bed all alone all day because I cant work anymore or go out with my friends, or only get to the bathroom once a day because my joints can no longer support my weight. That thought terrifies me.

But I am going to do it, I am going to get healthier. I am going to look damn good one day I tell ya.

Current weight

Oh yeah with all my interesting observations about my psyche I did actually step on a scale today.

170.5 kg or for the less metrically minded thats a whopping 375.1 lbs!

Diet mode switched on

Losing weight has been an ongoing project for a long long long time, since I was 4. I have had periods of success, periods of failure, and periods of no change at all. During my periods of no change and failure I haven't felt any real energy to devote in the actual process, I tend to sabotage, or make excuses, deny possible consequences. I'm not stupid, I know that I am going to gain weight, when I eat more and exercise less (or not at all) but nothing will get me moving in the right path until I am good and ready. I have always imagined it to be like a light switch that I am off with no light and then all of a sudden the switch has been turned on and it is time to be successful again. The thing is that the switch will come on in its own time, by a series of factors or experiences but there is just no willing it to come on. Believe me I have tried.

The good news is that the switch has been turned on! Yeah I can start to move forward now. Why it has turned on there are various reasons but I am just glad it has. I finally feel more positive about everything.