upbeat......that I'm not

The last few days I have been pretty down, well more like the last week. It is really hard to feel upbeat right now about this new attempt at weight loss, I have tried and failed so many times, and the road is so long, and the mountain awfully large to climb, okay enough with the analogies. But basically I have failed so often that I am afraid that I will fail again, and again. I am trying to make it stick, but it is still early days. I have only been working at it for three days, and I am starting off slowly, just counting calories etc for the first week. I think next week I will work on adding some exercise. I also have a really hard time talking about my weight, with people I know, I mean I write about it here, but it isn't like there is anyone reading, and no one knows me. I have told my mom and my best friend though, and that is more then I usually do.

I know once I start to have some success, I will start to feel better about it and myself. But I also know how easy it is to get discouraged when you weigh this much, I mean for most people losing 50 lbs would be a huge under taking and I have to lose almost 4 times that in total. Plus results take a long time to see, 50 lbs is nothing. So do I try to aim for smaller goals so that I feel like I am making some progress or do I try for percentage of overall weight.....I will see as I go along.

Day three

1783 Cal, 37.4 g of fat

Well I guess a big pat on the back for making it three days, If I can make it a full seven I can do some back flips. Also considering it is a Saturday I did pretty well since I had all that extra time to eat but didn't.

Day two

1204 cal, 32.4 g of fat

I need to eat some more calories, but the grocery day is tomorrow, So I can restock on some stuff I actually want to eat... the cupboards are pretty bare.

Stayed away from the sweets at work. So at least that is a plus,

one day at a time, right?

Day one

1397 Calories, 32.2 g of fat

A client at work gave the staff a bunch of oh Caramels, a type of snack cake with caramel in the middle and coated in chocolate, and despite having to see them constantly I didn't have one. Maybe one day but not on day one.

wow- who knew how quickly I can cop an attitude

So I went to the weight loss support group meeting tonight, and it was okay, in fact really there was all of 10 mins spent discussing weight control and the rest of the time the ladies talked about other things. I mean it isn't like I don't know the information they can offer, I have been there before, I am practically a professional dieter, so I was okay with the lack of weight talk.

I was feeling pretty on edge though. A lot of it has to do with personal history. I have known some of these ladies my entire life, and they have seen me at all different weights including my short lived success of losing 100 lbs before regaining 200 back. I can't say I really like reliving those feelings of failure that I usually shove deep down in a pit. So I was on edge about the past, uncomfortable about the present, embarrassed because I stepped on a scale (by the way I had to bring my own because theirs doesn't go that high) in front of someone, someone who actually knows what I weigh. Someone I know. So I got a bit defensive. And my attitude came out, I am not that proud of it, but It made me realize that I use it alot, I get upset or unnerved, my attitude comes out. I am not mean (at least I don't think I am) but I realized I was a bit obnoxious. I will have to work on that.

P.S. 373 lbs, yikes.

Trying to figure out what to do.....

So I obviously have not been that successful, with all my half assed attempts here. My determination lasts about as long as a New York minute, and before you know it I am shoveling food hand over fist into my mouth again, and then I am avoiding even thinking about anything weight related. So I have been weighing over my options trying to figure out what to do. Obviously lose weight (ha if only it were so easy!) but how to do it. I don't think I can do it on my own, I think I need more support, or at least more accountability. I thought the blog would do it for me, but so far I find it way to easy to just dissapear from for a couple of months before I come crawling back with my tail between my legs. Another option is to join a local not for profit weight loss organization that I have belonged to before. But I have also quit it before, it is not a be all and end all solution, while I think the other ladies are very nice, I don't really know how much help they can offer me. In the end it is me who has to still have the determination and resolution to do it. On the plus side, it is very financial feasible, since in this economy and my small paycheck can not afford much else.

Oh well I will continue to ponder my options.....

5 min weight loss plan

It's a miracle what 5 minuets and a photo editing program can do! If only it were so easy. But hey this is what I would love to look like one day (with a full head of course!) I can just imagine all the stuff I will be able to do at this weight. A great visual for someone who has always been obese.