Control

Well here we are on day 4 of this renewed effort, the latest wake up call. I think I am doing pretty good, I am feeling upbeat and positive, I haven't had any major cravings, or gone on a out of control food binge, Sure I know that this won't last, I am still experiencing the euphoria from finally doing something.

Just being in control of what I am putting in my mouth is making me feel so much better. I know I have always been in control of what I eat, however before I would try to stay on the wagon, but my heart wasn't into it, so then I would just eat and eat and eat, like I was never going to get to eat again. I also was eating like I would soon be cut off of chocolate or candy or restaurant food when I finally did start watching what I eat. And rationally I know that's not true, that I can have those foods, just not a lot or too often. I will be holding off for a while just taking a break from the sugar overload that was october.

I have written down everything I have eaten for 4 days now, and my caloric intake has been pretty reasonable, less then I thought, but I am also making conscious food choices, and not eating mindlessly.

Critical mass

There is always that weight that you get to where you reach a critical point. Its that point where all your fat clothes are too tight, and there really isn't another size up unless you wish to start wearing mu-mus. The point where you have to stop denying that you are fat and healthy but that you are obese, morbidly obese ( I seriously hate that term). The point when you can see your future and it definitely isn't pretty. I have reached my critical mass. I am at the point where if I gain any more weight I won't be able to function easily. I have noticed in the last few months especially the last few weeks, how difficult it has been bending over, I have caught myself doing my fat bend or how I don't actually bend but sorta lean over without bending my knees with one leg stretched out balancing me so I don't topple over. Yeah that's attractive. I also have been avoiding going down stairs at work, I actually found myself upset at work cause someone didn't ask me to get something from down in the basement when I was down there and instead I had to make a second trip. Getting winded more easily. Praying to god that my pants don't rip.

I could gain more weight I mean it is physically possible but I have reached my personal stop point. I know I need to stop now, before I end up being one of those people confined a bed all alone all day because I cant work anymore or go out with my friends, or only get to the bathroom once a day because my joints can no longer support my weight. That thought terrifies me.

But I am going to do it, I am going to get healthier. I am going to look damn good one day I tell ya.

Current weight

Oh yeah with all my interesting observations about my psyche I did actually step on a scale today.

170.5 kg or for the less metrically minded thats a whopping 375.1 lbs!

Diet mode switched on

Losing weight has been an ongoing project for a long long long time, since I was 4. I have had periods of success, periods of failure, and periods of no change at all. During my periods of no change and failure I haven't felt any real energy to devote in the actual process, I tend to sabotage, or make excuses, deny possible consequences. I'm not stupid, I know that I am going to gain weight, when I eat more and exercise less (or not at all) but nothing will get me moving in the right path until I am good and ready. I have always imagined it to be like a light switch that I am off with no light and then all of a sudden the switch has been turned on and it is time to be successful again. The thing is that the switch will come on in its own time, by a series of factors or experiences but there is just no willing it to come on. Believe me I have tried.

The good news is that the switch has been turned on! Yeah I can start to move forward now. Why it has turned on there are various reasons but I am just glad it has. I finally feel more positive about everything.

full plate

Hey as a metaphor for my life a gigantic pate overflowing with stuff isn't a bad one, considering that my food plate also tends to be overflowing with food which is why I am writing this blog in the first place. I am still trying to figure out all the little portions of my life and try to balance them all. This is not an easy task, every time I think I get one area going, something slides the most likely canidate is house cleaning. Between working full time, all the stuff I do for my family, trying to lose weight, doing extra education to try to advance my career, my hobbies, sleeping, goals and side projects, I feel like I end up getting nothing done. Also there is the whole balance of finances especially since my second job is now kaput. At least I now have that extra time. Anyways basically I am stressed. And what do I do when I am stressed? I eat of course. Lets just say yesturday I got really cosy with a can of frosting.

I keep thinking what can I do, I just need time to sit down and get organized but it seems like that never happens. I usually end up getting distracted.

well one more thing to work on for my overall self improvement.

Coming clean

I have been a coward. I have been sticking my head in the sand for the last month, not wanting to touch a scale in fear of the number it will show. But to know where you need to go, you need to know where you are starting from. So yesterday I stepped on to that scale and faced the fear (cue execution music) and found my self to weigh 366.3 lbs. yuck, total disaster. I knew I had gained of course, I am very aware of my body. My feet have been hurting more, bending over has been getting harder, I have been so flipping tired. The writing has been on the wall. But I am just so tired of trying to lose weight. I never seem to get anywhere, or I do well for awhile and then I gain it all back because I just lose the will. I need to stop looking at the big picture, I mean saying to your self I need to lose 160 lbs sure is a lot more discouraging then saying to yourself, "I need to lose 10 lbs". So there is my goal lose ten pounds.

The mirror has two chins

And sadly they are both mine, well and there could even be a third one too. Okay not to bash myself about (which I am very very good at) too much but going clothes shopping is one of those experiences in which you are forced to see yourself and just how bad you look. I was out shopping today searching for a summer-ish dress for a family occasion. I probably could dig something wearable out of the closet but most of my dress up clothes are pants and blouses (and now I realize why, pants hid a variety of sins!) and I was really hoping to have something nice to wear that I look good in, so much for that hope.

I don't go clothes shopping all that often, usually only when absolutely necessary, or when something comes up, partly because of budgetary concerns but also because of what a depressing experience it is. I tried on at least 7 dresses and two skirt combos, and I wouldn't be seen in public in any one of them. First off white does not even begin to describe my lack of a tan, but since I have barely been outside this summer it is not a surprise, I usually am good with lack of a tan, I consider it skin cancer prevention but when trying on sleeveless dresses it isn't an asset. Secondly there is the back fat, big hips, huge belly, the bumpy thighs, the thick shoulders, the whole Una-boob that big women get with ill fitting bras. I should be glad at least that the dresses all fit me at least but the sad thing is I am like one size down from the only fashion available being a flowered mu mu!

This of course should be a screaming wake up call, yelling LOSE WEIGHT! LOSE WEIGHT! But why am I not hearing it. I have the desire but not the will yet. Must get will. Must get will power. Must find dress....

Well I will continue shopping mainly because I have this $25 gift certificate that expires on august 2 nd.