full plate

Hey as a metaphor for my life a gigantic pate overflowing with stuff isn't a bad one, considering that my food plate also tends to be overflowing with food which is why I am writing this blog in the first place. I am still trying to figure out all the little portions of my life and try to balance them all. This is not an easy task, every time I think I get one area going, something slides the most likely canidate is house cleaning. Between working full time, all the stuff I do for my family, trying to lose weight, doing extra education to try to advance my career, my hobbies, sleeping, goals and side projects, I feel like I end up getting nothing done. Also there is the whole balance of finances especially since my second job is now kaput. At least I now have that extra time. Anyways basically I am stressed. And what do I do when I am stressed? I eat of course. Lets just say yesturday I got really cosy with a can of frosting.

I keep thinking what can I do, I just need time to sit down and get organized but it seems like that never happens. I usually end up getting distracted.

well one more thing to work on for my overall self improvement.

Coming clean

I have been a coward. I have been sticking my head in the sand for the last month, not wanting to touch a scale in fear of the number it will show. But to know where you need to go, you need to know where you are starting from. So yesterday I stepped on to that scale and faced the fear (cue execution music) and found my self to weigh 366.3 lbs. yuck, total disaster. I knew I had gained of course, I am very aware of my body. My feet have been hurting more, bending over has been getting harder, I have been so flipping tired. The writing has been on the wall. But I am just so tired of trying to lose weight. I never seem to get anywhere, or I do well for awhile and then I gain it all back because I just lose the will. I need to stop looking at the big picture, I mean saying to your self I need to lose 160 lbs sure is a lot more discouraging then saying to yourself, "I need to lose 10 lbs". So there is my goal lose ten pounds.

The mirror has two chins

And sadly they are both mine, well and there could even be a third one too. Okay not to bash myself about (which I am very very good at) too much but going clothes shopping is one of those experiences in which you are forced to see yourself and just how bad you look. I was out shopping today searching for a summer-ish dress for a family occasion. I probably could dig something wearable out of the closet but most of my dress up clothes are pants and blouses (and now I realize why, pants hid a variety of sins!) and I was really hoping to have something nice to wear that I look good in, so much for that hope.

I don't go clothes shopping all that often, usually only when absolutely necessary, or when something comes up, partly because of budgetary concerns but also because of what a depressing experience it is. I tried on at least 7 dresses and two skirt combos, and I wouldn't be seen in public in any one of them. First off white does not even begin to describe my lack of a tan, but since I have barely been outside this summer it is not a surprise, I usually am good with lack of a tan, I consider it skin cancer prevention but when trying on sleeveless dresses it isn't an asset. Secondly there is the back fat, big hips, huge belly, the bumpy thighs, the thick shoulders, the whole Una-boob that big women get with ill fitting bras. I should be glad at least that the dresses all fit me at least but the sad thing is I am like one size down from the only fashion available being a flowered mu mu!

This of course should be a screaming wake up call, yelling LOSE WEIGHT! LOSE WEIGHT! But why am I not hearing it. I have the desire but not the will yet. Must get will. Must get will power. Must find dress....

Well I will continue shopping mainly because I have this $25 gift certificate that expires on august 2 nd.

Weighing in: 352

I would like to say several bad words about this number, but I will refrain. I can't believe I am up 5 lbs in one week, it is totally ridiculous! I didn't even HAVE that much food in the house to eat. This has got to stop. Immediately. I am almost right back where I started from my highest weight of 369 Lbs. To say the least I am not happy about that. July will be a whole new start. I am making a list of meals, and planning and pre-cooking as much as possible. I have printed off some blank calendars to help with meal planning, and exercise scheduling. I feel like I keep falling so far off the wagon I can't even hear the horses anymore. AHHHHHHHHHH

Step away from the cereal box

"You have the right for your mouth to remain closed, you have the right to Not ingest all those calories"

I wish that would yell out whenever I went near a cupboard or the fridge. I am having the hardest time trying to get my eating under control. I think one of my big problems is that I am so busy at work that it is close to three o'clock in the afternoon before I get a chance to eat, and then by the time I get home from work it is at least 7:00pm and then I am absolutley starving so I will just shove whatever is edible to satisfy me for the moment. Uggg I can't stop it seems. I know I can, I just have to keep trying. What was even worse was tonight I got home and I was too lazy to go grocery shopping yesturday so I didn't have a lot in the house to eat. So good ol captain crunch (which I bloody very well shouldn't have in the house in the first place) was what I ended up eating untill my dinner cooked. So Dear Captain, after your box is empty I am saying good bye to you sailor and all of your shipmates. I have always loved cereal, it is my biggest snacking/comfort food. When I was on a previous weight loss effort, I was once told that when I had a big craving to "eat a box of fruitloops and call me in the morning". I think I took that comment a bit too much to heart! So I am swearing off cereal, sugary or otherwise, only my good ol standby Oatmeal is allowed in the house.

Weighing in: 347

Yep I gained 2 lbs this week, not the direction I go in. However I do have that handy little excuse for weight gain women have each month. So I will blame that. I could blame that BBQ I went to but that was only yesterday and I couldn't have consumed THAT many calories in a few hours.

Summer BBQ's are a big problem, not that I go to a lot, but all that food sitting out and the host saying "Eat Eat, I don't want to be left with all this food". It is hard to balance being rude not eating a lot and pigging out. I didn't do too badly though, I only had one hamburger, though I almost had another one and then stopped myself. But the tortilla chips were right in front of me. I don't even want to think about the amount of salt I must have consumed last night. When I woke up this morning I was actually swollen, I couldn't get my ring off my finger, and I swear when I poked my skin I could leave and indent. Plus I was absolutely starving. I worked all day and I wasn't going to drive all the way home (a neighboring city) and waste gas so I went shopping till the party so that was several hours.

So I will trudge along, I am sure next week I will see a downward trend on the scale.

Planning stages

I am a planner. I need something written down, in place so I will follow it. I am like this in pretty much all aspects of my life. I need to plan all the things I need to do on my day off, or they will not get done. So I isn't a surprise that I am floundering a bit in this new weight loss effort, I haven't planned anything, no lists, no expectations, so no progress.

So here is my plan (just the rough outline, details to come later)

• enter all food in food journal (June 17-24)
• start exercise 3x per week (June 24-July 1)

So I will work on that for the next couple of weeks, I am trying to create my healthy lifestyle slowly, make them become habits not just another fad.

This is a marathon not a sprint. So I am pacing myself.