why buying a workout DVD felt like a dirty magazine

I mentioned last month that I had tried the 30 day shred. Well a few weeks before cracking it open I purchased it from a book store (more like conglomerate). I went in for the express purpose of purchasing the video. However it took me almost an hour to walk up the the cashier with it. First I headed to the section with the health and fitness stuff, where I previously had scouted it's existence. However there was a couple there and I didn't want to be seen in that area, so I picked up a few books and read the jackets. After a few minutes the couple walked away and I whisked to the shelves grabbed the copy and almost grabbed a biggest loser workout, but left it. I then quickly dashed out and continued to browse books all while carefully holding the DVD between my arm and body with only the bottom of the back showing so others wouldn't be able to see what I was buying. After awhile when the line to the cash was shorter I bought it.

What in the world was I afraid of? That a complete stranger that I would never speak to, or see again would see me buying a work out video. My gosh it wasn't Porn, but that is almost what it felt like to me. It was shame. Shame that I am fat, embarrassed because in my mind the cashier or strangers would be thinking, "oh yeah here is another fat person buying an exercise tape, like she will ever use it." In reality the only person thinking that was me. Still afraid of failure, and what others will think. I still consider this part of my life very private, I don't share it. I am sure that is all part of the fear of failure, and others knowing I have failed. I am most comfortable exercising in an environment where there is the fewest witnesses possible to my disgrace, and the efforts to change it.

But I am making headway into the problem. I swim in public, I use a public walking trail, I go the a support group.

One day I may be able to join a class, a gym, share my successes with others.

But for now, I will tightly close my dining room curtains before popping in the DVD and getting down to business.

Oh and to top it off, the cashier bagged my DVD in a plain brown wrapper.

Goals I am most excited about reaching

• Under 300 - I haven't been under this weight for at least 7 years maybe more.

• Under 280- This is the weight before I will allow myself to get on a horse. I once read in a magazine when I was a kid that this was a maximum weight a rider should be and that figure stuck in my head. I don't know if that is true. But I feel like if I weigh more then that I am asking too much of the horse. In reality I will probably wait till I am around 250. Otherwise I would just feel bad for the horse.

• Fitting in 2 X - Most clothing manufactures do go up to 2 x, and all the really cute scrubs sets only go up to 2X.
• Purchasing clothes in a normal store, I have never purchased anything that wasn't in the "above average section" or a specialty plus size store.
  

• Being able to do a yoga position normally without the belly getting in the way.

• Being able to run for greater then 5 seconds

• Stop being embarrassed about being seen exercising in public

• When I can get up easily from the floor.

• Easily passing through a turn style you know those ones you go through to get into a store or onto the subway platform.

First weigh in of the New Year

Down 3 lbs. Back down to my pre holiday weight of 330, almost to the 50 lb mark.

My Best friend and her entire family are joining up to a gym for their new years resolution for getting into shape. My friend is a big negotiator and is haggling with the gym regarding fees etc. She called me up tonight and asked if I wanted in and the price she has given is great so I said yes. But I don't know if I am ready to face a gym yet. For one thing, at least I will be in good company, so I won't be facing it alone, but I don't know if I am up to handling classes etc, and I am still so self conscious being seen exercising in public. Another bonus is my friend and I would be spending more time with each other, also a big new years resolution with us. We tend to let our busy lives take over and we haven't gotten to see each other too much even though she has moved back to the city.

I am sure there will be people who stare, but I guess at this time of the year there will be lots of unfit people who will be at the gym. I just need to get over my self consciousness.

Making Goals, not resolutions

So weight loss is not a New Years resolution this year. Why not? first I haven't made a resolution I haven't broken so I don't make them. Secondly I was already losing weight last year so really it is a continuation, not something new.

But I have a goal in mind for 2011.

Now because of past failures, I was very hesitant to state any sort of timeline or put to much pressure on myself regarding numbers and results. I was just seeing how it went. I wasn't very confidant in my myself or my mission.
But thanks to a whole wack of optimism from goodness knows where (this is awfully strange to me I am naturally a pessimist) I suddenly have confidence, I will do it, I will succeed. I am amazing, and awesome, and will kick my ass outta here.

So here it goes......in 2011 I will lose 100 lbs. *eek there I said it out loud*

Yes it sounds like a lot but I am looking at it like this, each quarter of the year, I need to lose 25 lbs. Now see doesn't 25 lbs seem doable?

So here goes my first quarter of the year, January to March, starting weight 333, (but weigh in is on wed and I need to account for all that extra eating and chocolates confessed to yesterday). With 13 weeks that means I need to lose 1.9 lbs a week.

Yeah! 2011 is here

I am very relieved to be welcoming the New Year. For most of December I felt like, "is it January yet?" It will be so nice to be able to get back into my routine and not have the dread of holiday feasting to live with. The pool is back open this week, it will be so great to get back in the water, it has been three weeks since I got my feet wet (so to speak). And the Christmas goodies will clear away from the office, only the stuff no body likes is hanging around now. I could have done worse over the holidays, and I could have done better. I did very well until Dec 24th, when as the poor suckers who had to work we decided to throw ourselves an impromptu party and order in Chinese food and then it was a free for all calorically from then on. Then there was the chocolate consumption, I alone consumed an entire box of turtles. At least this was over the period of 5 days. No excuses I know, but I was fighting those lovely hormones at the time.

Finally it is a new year, a new decade, how exciting. I was thinking on what kind of outlook I usually have at the beginning of a new year, and usually it is really negative, for example;

"Gosh how could you get so fat"
"Another year gone and still fat, what a waste."
"you'll never get it off"
"I guess I will give it another try! But I just can't do it" .

But this year I feel really optimistic regarding, well just about everything not just weight loss. Someone must be slipping me the happy drugs without my knowledge.
I lost 47 lbs in 2010 and I fully intend to continue on with that pattern.

Happy New Year, Here's to a new you.

All quiet on the fat front

I realized that I haven't posted in several days, and nothing really of interest. And since for me being quiet is a bad sign I figured I better write something.

I am basically in Christmas survival mode. The gift baskets have begun to flow into work, and while I have indulged, I have kept in under control and in perspective (and in caloric range!). This week I have 2 Christmas parties i am attending, one is at a buffet, and one is pot luck. I am so bringing veggies to the pot luck.

I went swimming on Thursday as promised, but missed out on Saturday again due to work. I go again on Tuesday. Due to the cold weather and busy schedule my activity level has dropped. No more 2 hour walks on Sunday, my dog is not built for cold weather and surprisingly neither am I (despite the insulating layers). I am missing the activity though and am trying to figure out what to do to compensate. To bad shopping isn't cardio.

Weigh in

I stayed the same, 332.

Just shows you how much exercise really contributes. Even though I stayed withing my calorie range everyday.

I am hoping that by tomorrow I will be able to breath trough my nose again.